Chapter 20

It was only later on that I learnt that after I had left for university, Yan Yang had made some new friends, and those so-called 'friends' had taught him a few things.

Smoking and drinking were a given, but they had also given Yan Yang some pornographic CDs of gay men having sex.

Yan Yang had kept our promise and hadn't told those people what his sexuality was, but even so, they had clearly figured it out. They wouldn't have given those to him otherwise.

He had watched it, understood it, and began to desire it too.

I didn't know if a lack of morals could be inherited, but since a man who abandoned his wife had two sons who carried his genes, it was highly probable that they would do immoral things too.

For instance, his younger son was now unabashedly standing in front of his older son, asking to sleep with him.

Yan Yang said, "I've thought about it already. I only want to sleep with you."

When he said this, he still had an expression of complete innocence. I even doubted whether he really understood exactly what he was saying.

He was wearing my clothes. When I wasn't around, the bed he slept on was probably mine too.

Yan Yang gulped, seeming nervous.

He continued, "Ge, I don't know what's got into me. Maybe you think this is very abnormal. I think it's abnormal too, but I just want to sleep with you."

He said, "A lot of the people I know have done it before already. There were people who wanted to do it with me too, but I rejected them."

When Yan Yang said this, I suddenly felt like he had become a stranger to me. I had only been away for so long, yet he had already transformed so radically.

"Who wanted to do it with you?" I asked, my tone hardening, "Just what kind of people have you been hanging out with?"

Initially, Yan Yang refused to tell me, but he eventually admitted that because he missed me, he had gone to my old apartment quite a few times.

He had the keys – he had taken them from my drawer.

He had gone a few times and got to know some boys who lived nearby. Those boys were a bit older than him and said they knew me. As long as Yan Yang paid them, they would tell him stories about my past.

I could pretty much guess who those people were.

This situation completely lit my anger ablaze. I was most afraid of Yan Yang coming into contact with them.

I was afraid that they would hang my past self out in the open; my filthy, mud-soaked self, the one who had grown up in a junkyard.

I was also afraid that they would lure Yan Yang in. No matter how much I disliked this younger brother, I didn't dare imagine what would happen if he became one of them.

Yan Yang said, "Ge, do you know Hao Zi[1]?"

I did. Ever since he was a kid, he had been pilfering things. He often got caught, but because he was still young, he would just get lectured and then released again. That time I had been forced by others to watch adult videos, he had been one of them.

"He's gay too."

I didn't know that.

"It was him who told me that the person you sleep with must be someone you like."

"Why did he tell you that?"

"Because he said he liked me," Yan Yang replied, "That day, he even pulled at the button of my jeans until it broke, but I ran away because I didn't like him."

Yan Yang came closer to me and grabbed my sleeve, "I like you."

We stared at each other, our gazes locked.

From outside, Yan Yang's mother called for us to eat our dinner.

I said, "Go eat first."

I shoved him away. It was very forceful – the back of his waist slammed into the table behind him.

It hurt so much that Yan Yang didn't move for a while. I didn't bother with him and just opened the door and left.

We had sex that night. Yan Yang had begged for me to fuck him.

The birthday presents that had been saved up all these years were finally given to Yan Yang for his seventeenth birthday, in the form of a big, big gift.

This had never been the plan. I had never wanted to treat him this way, and never thought that I would top a homosexual.

That night, by the time we finished our dinner, it was already very late, but Yan Yang's mother still pulled me into a chit-chat session. We sat in the living room, discussing my school's overseas exchange programme for the upcoming semester. There was not much issue other than the fact that it was quite expensive. The only reason I was even willing to sit and chat with her was that I had been thinking of trying for the programme.

While we talked, Yan Yang went to take a shower and returned to the bedroom.

Just past eleven, I went back to the bedroom to grab a set of fresh clothes, preparing to take a shower. When I went in, I saw Yan Yang lying on my bed.

I ignored him. He could sleep wherever he wanted. It wasn't like I couldn't just sleep on the upper bunk instead anyway.

When I came back from my shower and turned off the lights, preparing to go to bed, Yan Yang suddenly called me, "Ge, if you don't want me, then I'll sleep with other people next time."

He lay on my bed, covered by my blankets. When I glanced at him, he sat up.

The blankets slid down, revealing his naked torso. He pleaded, "I know I'm not normal, but could you give me this birthday present?"

At that point, I still didn't know what this birthday present was until he said, "Let my first time be with you, Ge, please."

As I stared at Yan Yang, I really didn't know what to do.

The dreams I had been having for the past few nights all flooded into my mind like a tsunami that yearned to ruin me.

I told him, "Your parents are just next door."

"It's okay," Yan Yang said, "I'll be quiet."

"Aren't you scared that I'll tell them?"

"I'm not." He began to come closer to me. I realised it wasn't just his upper body that was bare, but his lower body too.

Completely naked, he hugged me and explained, "Mum and Dad won't have the heart to scold me."

Perhaps it was this line that had triggered it, but at that moment, all my rationality dissolved in an instant.

Yes, his parents cherished him so much and wouldn't scold him. When the time came, the criminal behind it all would be me.

He had stirred up the resentment in my heart. I roughly pushed him onto the bed.

I leant over him and gripped his neck. I commanded him, "Spread your legs. Let me fuck you."

[1] Hao Zi: Most likely a nickname. Literally means ‘rat’.