Chapter 37

My life could be very cleanly split into a few segments.

My childhood years of paralysing fear, my twisted years of youth to postgraduate studies, the period of busy but peaceful Boston living, and of course, the years that came after as well.

Without exaggeration, the years that Yan Yang and I spent together in Boston were indeed blissful. I seemed to truly be leaving my past self behind. I often could even see a grimy boy growing and changing, step by step, from that old house filled with shrieks and screams to the beautiful apartment in Boston.

Work was not bad. My ability was better than most, so I was promoted quickly and my salary rose rapidly.

My love was also finally properly recognised by myself. I started to admit very frankly that I loved Yan Yang and couldn’t live without him.

Yan Yang was doing very well too. He was both beautiful and talented, intelligent and hard-working.

He received many awards, and started to participate in many performances.

I couldn’t attend every single performance of his; after all, I had work and often faced difficulty finding the time to see him perform. But as long as I was able to rush there in time, I would definitely be present.

I sat in the audience, holding the ticket Yan Yang had given me as I watched him perform on the stage. The lights shone for him, and applause rang out because of him.

Watching him play the piano on stage, I would often recall the first day I came to the Yan household. He had been wearing a new set of clothes, a little nervous as he called me ‘Ge’. As though he was presenting an invaluable treasure, he played a song on the piano for me. Years later, next to that very piano, we had made love.

More than ten years had passed.

Of my short life, more than half the journey had been travelled with him.

He had seen me at my worst, and also knew the most deranged parts of me.

Yet he still continued to love me, to trust me, and to willingly hand himself and all of his feelings to me.

Those few years, I really thought that life would always remain this way. We were far from the past, far from his parents, far from everything I wanted to forget.

After every performance of his I attended, I would present to him a bouquet of flowers. Of course, not while he was on stage, but when he had returned to my side.

It could be in the car, or at home.

Yan Yang liked red roses for the sole reason that red roses were a symbol of love. He only wanted me to give him red roses, like he only wanted me to love him.

The first Chinese New Year we celebrated in Boston, Yan Yang and I went to get new tattoos together.

Previously, he had discussed with me before that he wanted to tattoo a ring on the ring finger of his left hand.

I understood what he meant, but at first I thought he was only hinting to me so the next day I bought a pair of rings.

But Yan Yang said, “Ge, I still want it tattooed on our fingers.”

He said, “A ring can be removed, and it can be lost too. But a ring tattooed on your finger can never be taken off.”

I couldn't shake off the feeling that there was a thick unease concealed within his words. This filled me with remorse.

I knew he loved me. From the moment he realised he could like boys, his heart and his eyes had only held me. He was intelligent, yet he acted stupid to accommodate me. He had been hurt, but as long as I apologised he ran right back to my side.

It was myself who had made him feel uneasy.

That night, before we fell asleep, Yan Yang lay on my chest leaving kisses on my tattoo. He said, “Ge, if you don't want to, it's okay. I was just talking about it. I really like the ring you gave me.”

I took his hand with the ring on it and kissed every finger.

A few days later, I brought him to a tattoo parlour.

The design to be tattooed on our fingers was made by me. It was very simple, but if you looked closer, you would find that the ring's design included the word ‘yanyang’[1].

Actually, even at that time, Yan Yang didn't know this name had once been mine. Nobody had told him, and I felt there was no need to anymore.

Telling him about this would only add to his worries. I didn't want him to feel like he had snatched something away from me. At the time, I thought I had already made peace with myself.

The reality was that as long as we were far from his father and the place I once lived at, I could really live a good life. It was like how ostriches were, but if one could always be a happy ostrich, that was not necessarily a bad thing.

Unfortunately, just like how ostriches cannot possibly bury their heads in the sand forever, we couldn't avoid his parents forever either.

Yan Yang's parents had especially hurried here from home for Yan Yang's graduation showcase.

When I heard of this, I instantly snapped the pen in my hand.

Yan Yang had been in school while I had been at the office. He said, “Ge, Dad said they’re already at the airport. They’ll be here in about ten hours.”

These few years, I had never mentioned anything about this, but Yan Yang always stopped them from coming.

The reason I didn’t want to see them was not the same as Yan Yang’s. Yan Yang was just worried that they would discover our relationship.

Knowing his parents wanted to come, Yan Yang had actually felt very conflicted. He missed them, I knew.

“Don’t worry,” I sat there, taking deep breaths to keep my cool as much as I could, “Leave it to me.”

After hanging up, I sat in my office, taking one whole hour to regulate my emotions. At the thought of having to face them again, there was really no way I could remain calm.

My repulsion to them was like a repulsion to my roots, a repulsion to myself.

But in the end I still got up and decided to handle this appropriately, for Yan Yang’s sake.

When he got home from school, I had already tidied up everything in the house. I had made the two rooms in the apartment look like us brothers each stayed in one room, and separated all of the clothes and other products we used. As far as possible, nothing would slip.

Yan Yang said, “Ge, the tattooed rings…”

He raised his left hand for me to see.

I had deliberately bought a thicker ring to wear that just managed to cover the tattoo.

“If they ask about the tattoo on your finger, say you just got it for fun.”

Yan Yang hugged and thanked me, saying it must have been difficult.

There was no reason for him to say thank you to me.

I embraced him and left a kiss on his forehead, “One more thing.”

I said, “I have to go on a work trip soon, so I may not be able to attend your graduation showcase anymore.”

Footnotes:

[1] ‘yanyang': In English.