Chapter 19

Regarding this matter, I had been slow-witted. I should have realised much earlier that Yan Yang's feelings towards me had long since grown beyond those for a brother.

Regular brothers would not want to have skinship with the other every second of the day, or hug the other and rub their crotch area against them.

They wouldn't use kissing as a way to prove that their feelings were real.

Yan Yang's kiss instantly froze me in place. I finally experienced what it was like to have your brain completely crash. 

He wasn't just having a taste. While I was still frozen in shock, he even slipped his tongue into my mouth. When I finally came to my senses, he was, at the moment, very focused on the task of kissing me.

Yan Yang was once again pushed onto the ground by me, this time even harder than the last.

His head nearly hit the corner of the bed. My heart almost stopped.

Some things didn't require further discussion. If you talked too much, you would just seem foolish in the end.

I roughly pulled Yan Yang up and dragged him across the floor before tossing him onto the bed.

"Sleep," I ordered, "I'll send you back tomorrow morning."

Yan Yang had collapsed on the bed and was watching me. I wasn't sure of the meaning behind his gaze, and didn't dare to look too closely or dig too deeply into it either.

This time, he obeyed. He took off his outer coat and pulled the blanket over himself, not even changing into his pyjamas.

I couldn't fall asleep at all. I lay with my back facing him as I stared at the wall in front of me, spacing out.

The next morning, I got up and he quickly followed suit. I didn't speak, and neither did he. It was remarkably silent.

I brought him out for breakfast, then sent him to the train station. The whole journey there, Yan Yang never once raised his head.

When his ticket was checked and we entered the station, Yan Yang leant closer to me, intentionally or otherwise. We were about to part ways, and he indeed seemed a little reluctant.

I couldn't care less about him. I just accompanied him, seeing him into the station and watching him board the train before I left. After this, I would pretend that nothing had happened.

When we entered the station, it had been crowded and squeezy. There had been a few times when Yan Yang's hand brushed the back of mine, and just that light touch had been enough to make me draw back sharply. My sudden movement probably hurt his feelings, but at that moment, I simply hadn't had the capacity to mind his sensitivities.

That day, before he left, as we stood in front of the train, Yan Yang held onto the corner of my shirt, his head lowered. He didn't say a word.

The attendant started urging people to board. I yanked his hand off and pushed him towards the train.

The train left. Yan Yang had gone.

I received a text from him. It said: Ge, do you like me?

I deleted the message.

Of course, I regretted it later on. I should have left it there to show my dad that it had been his pure and pretty little son who had come on to me himself. It was him who had willingly offered himself up to be my prey, to nourish my depravity.

After Yan Yang left, I did my best to go back to normal, but it was undeniable that I had been affected.

For the next few days, I dreamt every night. Every dream was of the two of us making love.

On the bunk bed we had slept on for many years, in my dingy old apartment, and also, in front of my dad.

Sometimes, in the dreams, I would be forcing Yan Yang, while other times, he would have been the one to initiate.

Those dreams felt all too real. Even the feeling of kneading his buttocks felt real.

Every time I woke up, I'd be covered in a sheen of sweat, my heart a frenzied mess.

After he left, he would ask me almost daily whether I liked him or not. Before the start of his school holidays, he said: Ge, I've decided what present I want for my birthday this year.

Actually, ever since I joined the Yan family, he would ask me for a birthday present every year, but each year I never gave him one because I said, "Yan Yang, look at me, I have nothing. Can we save it for next time? In the future, when Ge becomes more capable, I'll make it up to you."

The intention of saying that was just to purposely make myself look pitiful to him. The presents he asked for had never been anything I couldn't afford. In fact, the allowance in my pocket was even more than his – because he gave me half of his own allowance, too.

I just wanted him to know that I was, at the end of the day, living a life that was dependent on another's charity. I was very pitiful, very poor, so I needed his favour.

Like that, for so many years, I had never given him a birthday present.

This time, he was once again saying that he had decided on something. I couldn't be bothered to ask what it was, because I had already made up my mind not to give it to him. I wasn't even planning to celebrate his birthday.

Yan Yang's birthday was close to Chinese New Year. If I went back right after I completed my exams, I would be able to make it just in time for his birthday.

But I didn't. I purposefully stayed in school for another ten or so days until I could drag it on no longer. Only then did I pick up my luggage and begin the journey home.

In the past, the only reason why I didn't like being there was because I hated my dad. Every time I saw him, I would think of how my mum died.

Now I had one more reason not to go back. I didn't know how to face Yan Yang.

In the past, I always told myself not to hurt him too much. In this entire story, he was the most innocent one.

But he just had to squeeze in and mark himself with a heavy stroke of my hatred.

You really couldn't blame me for this.

The day I went back, Yan Yang's birthday had already passed by nearly a week. I had barely put my luggages aside when Yan Yang said to me, "Ge, although my birthday's over, I still want you to make it up to me."

My dad was on the phone in the living room,  while his mum was in the kitchen cooking. I closed the bedroom door behind me and asked, "What do you want?"

Yan Yang pinned his gaze on me. I suddenly realised that the clothes he was wearing today were mine.

He said, "Have you had sex before? I want to sleep with you."