Chapter 35

Because of this incident, I came to the realisation that Yan Yang meant much more to me than I had thought.

I had thought he was nothing more than my tool, my auxiliary, the bearer of my desire. Only now did I realise that he had practically become my lifeline.

I didn’t know when it was that something started to go wrong with me. Maybe it was after arriving in the UK, or after becoming part of the Yan family. Or maybe there had been something wrong with me ever since I was born, and there just hadn’t been a trigger all this while for it to flare up.

When I was left out in the cold by Yan Yang, my one and only lifeline no longer with me, I started to sink, started to drown.

I hadn't even known I would cry, much less to this extent.

When I hid under the table, my teeth clenching down on the skin on the back of my hand as tears spilled from my eyes, I felt like I had been transported back to my childhood. To those days when my mother would lose her mind in a house no different from a garbage dump, and I was afraid, hiding inside the wardrobe because I didn’t want to die.

Back then, the wardrobe had been my only hiding place. Sometimes, I would hide in there for a whole day. Nobody came to look for me. Nobody asked me if I was okay.

But it was different now. Yan Yang had pulled me out of there.

The two of us held our phones and cried like two lunatics.

I apologised over and over again. I couldn’t say anything else; at that moment, my mind had been a mess, such a big mess that I didn’t know what I was saying anymore.

Maybe I had given Yan Yang a fright, because he anxiously asked me what was wrong. He comforted me, saying he was fine, saying he could come and see me.

Yan Yang said, actually, he was looking at plane tickets every day. Every day, he would think about coming to London to find me. But he didn't dare to, afraid I would ignore him.

He said it wasn't that he didn't want to pick up my calls; it was that he didn't dare to. He was scared that once he picked up the phone, he would start crying like an idiot. He really wanted to know if I truly didn't care about him. If I didn't care about his love, didn’t care whether he was dead or alive. That was why he had started a cold war with me, as though he was filled with anger. But he was barely holding on; he was almost about to book a flight to London already.

That was not all.

He said he had actually long since known that I was not going to the US. He had never checked with his parents about it, but from my tone of voice and attitude during that time he could feel it. He knew I was hiding something from him or lying to him. It was just that he was still holding on to a sliver of hope, some wishful thinking that perhaps I had changed my mind.

He told me that during that time, he would go to the airport every day. Alone, he practised that scene of welcoming me, choosing the best spot to stand at so I could see him the moment I came out. He would think about what kind of embrace to use, so everyone could immediately tell that this was a couple in love.

Yan Yang said, “Ge, don’t cry anymore. It makes me feel so guilty.”

The person who should be feeling guilty was me, was it not?

“Ge, don’t apologise anymore. I don’t need your apologies,” Yan Yang said, “I have always been willing to face this. From the start, it has been me enticing you.”

It wasn’t like that. If I hadn’t had intentions towards him, how could his enticements have worked?

It had been mutual from the start.

I was simply a selfish bastard.

At the end of that day, I leant against the wall behind me, trying to catch my breath. I felt dizzy. For the first time in my life, I experienced what it meant to ‘see stars’.

Yan Yang continuously spoke by my ear softly, saying he missed me and that he was over the moon to know I missed him too.

He asked me, “Ge, you love me, right?”

I had wanted to reply, but at that instant I wasn’t able to speak. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Yan Yang waited a while for my response, then laughed as he said, “It's okay, even if you don't say it, I know you love me.”

Through the phone, we listened to each other’s breathing. I slowly came back to life, able to see this world anew again.

My tumultuous emotions also finally came to rest. I calmed down.

Three days after that call with Yan Yang, he landed in Heathrow Airport. Because we had not seen each other in so long, the moment he came out, we embraced and kissed each other. I had prepared roses for him. Red ones, as a symbol of love.

I brought him to my apartment. On the way there, he sent a message to his mother: Mum, I’ve gone to see my Ge. He’s doing very well here. London is very nice too.

After sending the message, he took my hand in his again, our fingers interlocked like any other ordinary couple.

The whole way there, his spirits were very high. He asked, “Ge, do you like London? Do you want to stay here in the future? If so, after I graduate, I’ll come here too to stay with you.”

I hadn't replied to him then. When we got back to the apartment, stripped bare and made love on the bed, I kissed the tattoo on his inner thigh and told him, “After I graduate next year, I’ll go to America to stay with you.”