Chapter 23

No matter what Yan Yang said, I still felt uncomfortable.

But seeing his sickly state, I couldn't bring myself to say anything harsh at all.

I had originally only intended to take a quick shower, to wash away the marks of my fight with Hao Zi. I kept feeling like the dirtiness and smell of Hao Zi was clinging to every inch of my skin.

Of course, I was very aware of the fact that my body carried that same smell too. That was what came with those of us who had grown up in that place. No matter how hard I tried to draw a line between myself and them, I could never change the reality that my roots lay there.

Yan Yang moved closer and placed a kiss on the shoulder he had scratched. I got a shock, nearly slipping and falling.

He laughed, "Ge, are you a little scared of me now?"

I pulled him over and had him sit in the tub as I started filling it with water.

I was rather wicked. I didn't test the temperature of the water beforehand and just let him sit straight in the freezing tub.

Yan Yang curled up inside. He raised his head to look at me, but I ignored him.

When the water first flowed into the tub, it had probably been a bit cold at first. Yan Yang's brows knitted as he hugged his knees to his chest, but he didn't make a sound. As the temperature gradually rose, his whole body began to relax.

He asked, "Ge, will you join me and have a soak in the tub?"

"I'm just going to take a quick shower."

Just now, Yan Yang had looked like he could fall any moment, so I dragged him into the tub in case he really fell. I hadn't had the intention of bathing with him.

He kept his gaze locked on me, then suddenly reached out and held onto me.

Yan Yang's hand was ice-cold.

"If you join me, I'll tell you a secret."

I couldn't care less about Yan Yang's secret, but he still dragged me to sit in the tub.

Ever since he was young, he already knew how to target my weaknesses. He knew I couldn't stand seeing him cry. The moment he cried, I would become soft-hearted.

Sometimes, I really suspected that he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, putting on a show of being innocent and pitiful when the truth was that everything was unfolding as he desired.

I sat in the tub and didn't ask him what his secret was, but he still scooted over with his back facing me and sat between my legs.

He leant back against my chest and took my arms to wrap them around himself. He let out a long, relaxed sigh, then said, "Ge, I really like making love with you."

I looked straight ahead and didn't reply.

He comfortably leant against me. If he turned his head, his lips would touch my face.

"That's my secret," Yan Yang said, "Yesterday, you made it very painful, and it still hurts now. It hurts when I walk, and it hurts when I move, but once I think about how it was you who caused it, I feel really happy."

He continued, "Say, am I still normal like that?"

"Stop talking."

The year I had first entered this household, I had wanted so desperately to ruin this family until they were nothing but ash and bones. But I really hadn’t wanted it to be through a method like this.

I wanted to see my dad jump off from the roof of this house. I wanted his brains splattered out on the ground. But since the beginning, I had never planned on doing anything to Yan Yang.

"Ge, is it true I'm not normal?" When he asked this, his hand reached between my legs and wrapped around my cock. I grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

He turned around and hugged me. I tried to dodge it, but he said, "I still have another secret. Do you want to hear it?"

"I don't."

"Okay, but I'm going to tell you anyway."

Yan Yang continued, "You don't like this place at all, right? I mean this family."

He wrapped his arms around the back of my neck, coquettishly moving himself up against my body, "Actually, I know everything. You hate this place to death."

A chill ran down my spine, just like how I had felt years ago when I had got home after school and found my diary torn to shreds by my mother. The whole house had been covered in ripped scraps of paper. She had pointed at me as she cursed, "You bastard."

That's why I say I've always been a very contradictory person.

I hated her so much and had wanted to escape that place so badly, but when she really died, I became reluctant to leave.

That day, I suffered a beating. She had hit me with a rattan stick she had picked up from god-knew-where.

How about this time?

This time, when my secret was exposed, what would await me?

Yan Yang comfortably lay in my chest. Even though I didn't move and hug him, he didn't seem to mind.

He said, "Ge, I like you so much, so how could I not know what's on your mind?"

He continued, "Ge, I love you. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you. Even myself; I'll give it to you. Don't hate anymore, okay?"

Back then, when I heard that, I had been very angry. The flames of my rage were about to engulf me whole. I hadn't even been willing to ask why he wanted me to stop my hatred.

I thought, what right did he have?

What right did he have to tell me not to hate anymore?

Had he experienced what I had?

What right did he have to request that of me? Or rather, beg that of me?

Back then, I had been stupid, and so had he. His words had made me misunderstand and think he was only giving himself up to me because he didn't want me to dismantle this family. He had said 'I love you' solely to trick me.

It was only much later on that I learnt that the 'I love you' had been truthful. Asking me not to hate anymore had been truthful too. His aim had not been to protect this so-called family, but rather to let me be kinder to myself.

But I was only human. How could it be so easy for me to heal and let go? Moreover, as long as my father had not died, I would never be able to let go.

In the bathtub, Yan Yang kissed me non-stop, and told me again and again, "Ge, I'll treat you well."

His kisses, meant to be ones of love, became twisted into those of deceit in my eyes. I didn't want it. I even found it disgusting.

But I still reciprocated them anyway.

Because I had heard the sound of the main door opening – someone had come home.

How thrilling it was. Whoever it was, be it his dad or his mum, could discover us brothers naked in the tub together, hands on each other entangled in a kiss.

How thrilling.

I embraced Yan Yang and began to reciprocate his kiss.

He had heard the sound outside too and started to fear.

I put a finger over my lips in a 'shh' sign, and entered him once again.