Chapter 42

I had wondered before; if one day I forced Yan Yang to choose, would he give his parents up, or would he give me up?

During that period of time, my nerves were always strung taut. I was deathly afraid that Yan Yang would stay in the country and never come back. The week he was away, I couldn’t even have a single night of restful sleep.

It was also from that point onwards, that I would often ask him what he would do if his parents insisted that we separate.

I had asked on the phone, and after he came back, I still continued to ask.

Yan Yang would always seem like he was being put in a difficult spot. His answer forever was, “Ge, we will definitely be able to resolve it.”

“You’re too naive.” That morning, we were sitting together, eating our breakfast. The night before, I had tormented Yan Yang to no end. The following morning, I discovered I had inflicted patches of green and purple bruises all over his body. My heart ached when I saw this, but I often couldn’t control the force I used. I was beginning to disregard his pleasure. Not only was I like this when entering him, merely desiring to fuck him senseless and even pierce through him, my hands were going overboard too. Once my emotions were agitated, I would grip him like my life depended on it.

I told Yan Yang, “No matter what, there will eventually come a day when you have to face a decision like this.”

I told him his parents would definitely not allow us to be together. The reason for this, Yan Yang already knew deep down.

If he was just gay and had merely found a boyfriend, perhaps there could still be room for discussion. But our relationship was not any regular gay relationship. I was his Ge, his blood-related Gege of the same father and a different mother.

I could give up everything.

As things stood at present, I could do without anything. The only thing I couldn’t do without was him.

To not fight his father, I was willing to become a tortoise hidden in its shell[1], avoiding that man every day. I was always thinking that since I had already gone to this extreme, shouldn’t Yan Yang also sacrifice a little something for me?

For example, his happy family of three.

I was trapped in a dark vicious cycle. It had clearly always been Yan Yang giving in to me, yet I always felt like I had sacrificed more than him.

I always felt that since I had already let his dad off for his sake, he ought to be satisfied.

Looking back now, I had been both ridiculous and pitiful. I was not worthy of Yan Yang. Not worthy of him, and not worthy of his love either.

In the face of my repeated questioning, Yan Yang finally flared up. He threw down his chopsticks and left, leaving me to sit at the dining table alone.

He left the house. I didn’t know where he was going. I had wanted to follow him, but in the end I just drove to the office alone.

That day, it was already very late when Yan Yang came back. The thick smell of alcohol hung on his body. The moment he stepped into the house, he threw his arms around me and cried. He bit my lip, then pitifully asked me why I had to bully him.

During the years of our life in Boston, Yan Yang had rarely cried. If not for the time his parents had come for his graduation showcase, our days of happiness would have continued without pause. But because of them, the balance had been disrupted.

When he cried, my heart ached. I really loved him and doted on him; I couldn’t bear to see him upset. But when he said I had bullied him, at the time, I had been unwilling to admit it.

I loved him so much. Why did he still feel like I was bullying him?

That night, as we made love, Yan Yang seemed a bit unwilling. When I entered him, he kept crying that it hurt, but his hole was clearly alright; how could it be hurting?

Because he kept saying it hurt, thinking of the promise I had made to him about how I wouldn’t force him when he wasn’t willing, I pulled out halfway and hugged him. Sleep eluded me the entire night.

After that day, we didn’t make love for almost a month.

He didn’t seem to want it, and neither did I.

I didn’t know what had happened to us. Even when we lay together in each other’s embrace, we weren’t as intimate as we had been before.

My unease rapidly unravelled. Soon, it had me swallowed whole.

During that period of time, Yan Yang also started to seem like there were some matters weighing down on him, like he was hiding some secret. Occasionally, when I entered the room without warning, I would see him frantically hanging up the phone.

I didn’t know who he was calling.

But I learnt of it later on.

His calls had all been to China, to his dad’s phone.

I recalled him saying his father had wanted him to meet that girl. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt, as if Yan Yang was going to leave me the very next day. He wanted to abandon me and live the life of a ‘normal person’.

From then on, the only one who was fallen, twisted, and a betrayer of morals, would be me alone.

I would be buried in the mud, while he lay among the clouds.

Yan Yang said he wanted to go back for the Spring Festival. He said he had some matters to attend to.

I was waiting for him to ask me if I wanted to go with him, because I had already made up my mind that if he asked, I would agree.

I didn’t want him to go back there alone. I was afraid.

What I had been thinking at the time was that as long as he asked, then it meant he still loved me and wanted me. He wouldn’t give me up for anyone or anything.

But he didn’t. This time, he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go back with him.

With his luggage and passport in hand, Yan Yang returned to China. I sent him off, and we kissed in the airport.

He said, “Ge, wait for me to come back.”

“Have a good New Year’s there,” I said, “Send your parents my regards; tell them I wished them a happy Spring Festival.”

He left. I watched his silhouette, all the way until I couldn’t see it anymore.

I drank a cup of coffee in the airport, then went to settle the flight check-in procedures.

My flight was set for boarding after Yan Yang’s plane took off. We wouldn’t need to wait for him to come back to see each other again, because we would be meeting very soon.

Happy Spring Festival?

Dream on.

Footnotes:

[1] ‘tortoise hidden in its shell’: Means to be a coward, a loser.

Translator’s note:

Because I feel like it adds some context for the chapters to come, I just wanted to say that the Spring Festival (aka Chinese New Year) is one of, if not the most, important holiday in China. It is so sacred. It is a time of fortune, celebration, and family. There are many traditions and superstitions associated with this period of time to attract things like wealth and good luck, as well as to avoid bad fortune. For example, speaking of ‘negative’ things (e.g. death) is highly frowned upon.