Chapter 12

In the last semester of my final year in high school, I practically poured my entire soul into academics.

Sometimes I'd feel very dazed, unsure if the real me was the one who had been living in that dilapidated apartment, or the one currently dressed in clean clothes sitting in the top class.

Many times, I even felt like I had never changed. The unsightly stains that decade of my life had left on me had never faded no matter how cleanly I presented myself to others or how sensibly I behaved. No matter how much effort I had put in these past five to six years to look presentable, I still couldn't be freed from my repulsive self.

I studied like my life depended on it. I wanted to do well because I knew that this was the best way to kill off my past self.

But I also understood deep in my bones that even though Yin Ming had changed his name, he still could never be Yan Yang again. He was Yan Xuan, who would forever be enshrouded by Yin Ming.

After the university entrance exams ended, I made everyone's jaws drop.

Whether it was my teachers or my parents, they all believed I would do extremely well.

But I had not.

My results were horrible. They were so bad that I even suspected that these weren't my grades at all.

But what was interesting was that my dad just felt like it was unbelievable. He didn't show any disappointment at all and just said, "Isn't this okay as well? You'll still be able to attend a decent, established university."

Yan Yang's mum comforted me and had a one-on-one conversation with me, asking me what plans I had.

Perhaps it was because Yan Yang had enlightened her, but she seemed to have realised that she and my dad shouldn't interfere with my personal matters. In recent years, she had become even more attentive than my dad to my thoughts and opinions.

She cut a plate of fruits for me and brought it over, carefully placing it on the table beside me.

Looking back now, it was quite funny. On the day the results were released, I became a ticking time bomb in the house. In front of me, both her and Yan Yang were very careful, like they were terribly afraid that in the next moment I would destroy this house and their happy lives.

She moved a chair over to sit by my side and softly spoke, "Xuan Xuan, do you want to talk about it?"

I was seriously in a horrible mood. I hadn't even been speaking to Yan Yang.

In front of her, I suddenly didn't have the strength to pretend to be that good, obedient child anymore.

Seeing that I wasn't responding, she just stayed silent for a while, then continued speaking.

"I've discussed it with your dad. We have never believed that your university entrance exam will determine your future. It’s just something that opens more doors for you," she said, "We respect whatever decision you choose to make. Whether you'd like to enrol in a university or retake the exam next year, we will support you unconditionally."

Perhaps it was because the only comfort I had had that year was that I could go to university after the results were released, but this sort of reassurance seemed to have no effect on me. All of my respectability had been reduced to ashes in a flash. This setback made me realise that someone like me, who had crawled out of a muddy bog, could never be destined to reach the stars.

I was stuck there. I could never climb up.

She left after saying everything she wanted to say, but I still hadn't made my decision.

During that time, Yan Yang's high school entrance exams had ended as well. For a few days, he just silently followed me around.

In those short few days, I did every terrible thing I could.

When I smoked, I spat the smoke out in his face, making him cough non-stop.

When I drank, I drunkenly shoved him, making him tumble to the ground.

In an internet cafe, I got into a fight and some hooligan scratched my face. Yan Yang was so scared that he ran over and grabbed me, tears streaming down his cheeks like I had died or something.

I was torturing myself, but also torturing him. I didn't want to return to his home, so I secretly snuck back into that dingy old apartment.

I stayed there alone for two days. My mood was trash. I never went out, hiding in there smoking and living off instant noodles. The house was made a complete mess by me.

Actually, I was fully aware that doing badly for an exam didn't warrant such a drastic reaction, but the reason why I was acting like this was that from the moment I entered the Yan household, my grades had been the only thing I could be proud of. It was the only thing I won Yan Yang at. In front of him, only my good academic performance allowed me to have a bit more confidence, but I had still failed and been beaten back into my original form.

This hurt a lot. I had been pretending for so long just to find out that in the end, I was still a demon.

I didn't know how Yan Yang found his way here. I had never told him the address.

When someone knocked on the door, I ignored it until I heard Yan Yang call from outside, "Ge! Are you inside?"

At that time, it was already very late, around 11pm. I originally hadn't wanted to speak to him or see him, but this place was seriously unsafe. If clean and pure Yan Yang walked the streets here alone, he wouldn’t be able to leave still clean and pure.

I opened the door. Perhaps shocked by my haggard state, he stood rooted to the ground, staring at me without saying a word.

I held a cigarette between my teeth as I furrowed my brows and turned my body to the side to make space for him to enter.

It was summer, and this place wasn't like his house. There wasn't any air-conditioning and the old electric fan was stained and dusty. When it turned, its head shook and wobbled like it could topple any moment.

Yan Yang tugged at my hand and asked, "Ge, why haven't you been coming home?"

I closed the main door and pointed at the bedroom, "Go to sleep. Tomorrow, quickly go home."

After speaking, I went to lie down on the living room floor. He looked at me, then came over and lay down beside me too.

"Ge, I've missed you."

I hadn't finished my cigarette. I rolled on my side, my back facing him.

He shuffled up very close to me. It was warm and stuffy, very uncomfortable.

He said, "Ge, Mum and Dad said you had gone to sleep over at a friend's house, but I just thought that didn't sound right."

He pressed up against me, and when he spoke, his chin rubbed against my shoulder, "Ge, how could you lie to me? Didn't you say this place had been demolished?"

His pestering was annoying me, so I got up and moved somewhere else to lie down.

He was like a tail I couldn't shake off. Wherever I went, he followed.

I entered the bedroom. Since he didn't want to sleep on the bed, I did instead. He could sleep wherever else he wanted.

But instead, he squeezed in with me on the bed. It was an old single bed, so we had no choice but to be pressed tightly together.

I was wearing a loose singlet. When I smoked, lying on my back, the cigarette ash landed directly on my skin.

Yan Yang was lying on his side. He blew away the ash on my body as he said, "If you don't go home, then I'm not going home either."

He rested his head on my shoulder, "I like it here. I want to stay here with you."