Chapter 24

Honestly, for a very long time, I didn't know whether I was hurting Yan Yang or hurting myself. It was just like how sometimes, I couldn't tell whether it was his dad I was taking revenge on, or myself.

We were in the bathtub. My two hands gripped Yan Yang's slender waist, forcing him to sit.

He was already injured, and I was entering him again – I couldn't imagine what kind of pain he must have been in. As I watched his face twist in pain, I couldn't help but reach out to embrace and kiss him, saying, "Bite me if it hurts."

The footsteps outside gradually came closer. It was Yan Yang's mother.

Yan Yang was so scared that he didn't even dare to breathe. He bit his lip, tears running down his face non-stop.

I had no interest in giving his mum a live performance of us making love. Even if she saw it, his dad had to see it first, or the excitement would be gone.

I pulled out of Yan Yang. He was still in pain, his mouth wide open yet afraid to make even the slightest sound.

Perhaps because she saw that the bathroom light was on, his mum asked, "Yan Yang, are you inside?"

Yan Yang panicked. He looked at me, his gaze beseeching.

At first, I didn't speak. Just as Yan Yang was about to reply, I covered his mouth.

"Auntie, it's me."

"Ah, okay. I'm going out to buy groceries."

After all, we were from different families and I had already become of age. Yan Yang's mum was very conscious about respecting her children's privacy, and would always maintain an appropriate distance with me.

She walked off again, her footsteps curt. Yan Yang breathed a sigh of relief.

Once the main door clicked shut, Yan Yang collapsed on my shoulder and started to cry. Loud sobs escaped him in broken, stuttering gasps, his body shuddering with every heave of his chest. He cried even harder than he had as a child.

"I thought you weren't scared of anything." I lifted a hand to caress his back in soothing motions.

He had been frightened. There was a difference between the way he reacted when he felt wronged and scared.

Yan Yang cried so hard that he couldn't speak. As he cried and cried, the water in the tub went cold, and my brows knitted even more tightly together.

I hadn't expected that my actions would cause him to have such an intense reaction.

"Yan Yang, are you okay?"

He was still just crying, motionless in my arms.

There was nothing I could do. I drained the water away. The two of us just sat in the bathtub while I waited for him to finish crying.

He cried for a long time, until his voice went hoarse. Slowly, he sat himself up. He said, "Ge, I'm sorry."

His voice was very soft, as though all the strength had left his body.

What was he apologising to me for?

All this while, hadn't it been me who was bullying and scaring him?

His skin was cold to the touch. I got out of the tub and took a towel to wipe his body dry, then made him turn around so I could help him reapply his medication.

I had been quite inhumane. When I saw that area of his, I began to despise myself again.

I lightly touched it with a dab of ointment on my finger and he shivered in pain. Even so, from the beginning to the end, he never once uttered a word of complaint. The day before, when I had told him to bite my shoulder if he was in pain, he had not done so either.

After applying his medication, I carried him back to the bedroom, gently placing him on the bed and pulling the blanket over to cover him.

"Sleep," I ordered, "Don't make things difficult for yourself anymore."

Yan Yang looked at me, seeming like he was about to say something. In the end, he didn't speak and instead obediently closed his eyes.

He probably wasn't actually asleep, because when I leant over and hugged him through the blanket, he leant into my chest, and when I whispered 'I'm sorry' into his ear, he reached out to hold my hand.

Ever since he was young, Yan Yang had always tried to get in my good books. I could never understand why.

It was only much later that I learnt: it is impossible to predict or rationalise how people are drawn to each other.

If you like someone, then you like them. If you love someone, then you love them. If you want to give yourself up, sacrifice things for them, then you just do.

Especially when you're in your teenage years, your emotions are so intense that when you look back years down the road, you won’t be able to understand how you managed to be so fiery back then.

Yan Yang wasn't stupid. There were many things he knew, and he had his own plans too. But at the very least, when it came to his feelings, he was always genuine.

However, I had been slow to realise this, constantly doubting his sincerity.

That was our first time. It had happened a week before my twentieth birthday, and a week after Yan Yang's seventeenth birthday.

Years later, Yan Yang said, "That was a birthday present for the both of us."

That was what he had said, but that present really couldn't be said to have brought much joy.

I could still remember his expression of pain for many years after that, but it got much better with time. We did it many more times after that, for many years. Beneath my body, he would never cry so much out of pain again, and would only tighten his arms around me, asking me to go faster.