Chapter 40

The things that none of us will talk about: Gege's diary

(Excerpt 1)

On my birthday, Mum and Dad bought me a cake. It was the kind that was about the size of a palm, with a cherry atop the cream because I had won an award in the competition this time. The prize money was a thousand two hundred yuan. The food today was more sumptuous than usual. My mum passed me a chicken drumstick[1] and my dad also praised me a bit. The only person who wasn't happy for me in this house was Duan Yan.

He didn't cover up the hostility in his eyes at all. He even flipped the table over when my mum passed me another chicken drumstick. The serving plates were shattered all over the floor and the cake couldn't be eaten anymore either. He was so young, yet he actually had so much strength and temper.

Dad grabbed the broom and carried Duan Yuan to the courtyard, giving him a beating while mum stood in the lobby, ear-piercingly shouting in the streets. I seriously found it annoying, so I locked myself in my room and did practice questions.

I know that Duan Yan's brain has some problems; that was what my mum secretly told me before. She told me not to bring him out to play too much, otherwise I'd become mentally ill too. Although I don't like Duan Yan, I learnt in class before that mental illnesses aren't contagious, so I didn't believe my mum.

At night, I was seriously too hungry, so I put down my books and went to the kitchen to look for something to eat. I was startled the moment I opened the bedroom door; Duan Yan was sitting there. Seeing that I had come out, he smoothed out the dirty and wrinkled certificate in his hand and returned it to me.

There was still an imprint of a hand on his cheek, and his small feet were in unsuitably large slippers. They had been beaten until they were swollen, and he limped when he walked. He raised his head, like he didn't think he had done anything wrong at all.

I asked him why he had ruined my certificate. Duan Yan ignored me, burying himself in the sofa and covering his head tightly with the blanket.

I didn't bother with him, because his actions had always been this difficult to understand. I went to the kitchen and took a piece of bread. When I came back, I saw that Duan Yan was still buried under the blanket. I lifted up one corner of his blanket and asked him if he wanted to eat some.

Duan Yan very impatiently shoved me aside. He said he was looking at the stars. Since when were there stars inside the blanket? I wanted to see too. He hesitated for a moment, then made space for me.

I squeezed into his observatory. It was very dark inside the blanket; in actual fact, you couldn't see anything at all. I glanced at Duan Yan. He abruptly said, "I don't like to eat cake, and I don't like to eat chicken drumsticks either, but they can't all be given to you."

I thought about it. That made sense. Next time, I'd pass him some.

As his Gege, I had the duty of educating him as well. I told him that flipping the table over wasn't right. He nodded his head. I asked him if he knew why it wasn't right. He shook his head.

"Mm...because it's impolite. Those who envy others for being good will not be good themselves."

"Oh."

"Will you flip the table over again next time?"

"I won't anymore."

Duan Yan zoned out for a while, then asked me thoughtfully, "You earned a certificate, and the certificate is worth one thousand two hundred yuan. But Mum took away one thousand two hundred yuan and tossed the certificate aside, so is the certificate still worth one thousand two hundred yuan?"

I was momentarily at a loss for words.

I've always thought that I knew more than Duan Yan, but it turns out that that isn't actually the case.

(Excerpt 2)

Our aunt came to our house today as a guest. Duan Yan had no choice but to squeeze in one bed with me. At night, I warned him not to disturb me while I was doing my homework. He was quite obedient, sitting on the bed as he waited for me without making a sound.

I read some extracurricular books for a long while, to the point where I lost track of time. Only at about 10pm did I remember that I had to sleep. Duan Yan was under the blanket, so sleepy that he was dozing off. When he saw me stand up, he did his best to stay awake as he asked me, "Are you sleeping, Gege?"

Fine, let's sleep.

In the middle of the night, Duan Yan squeezed over and curled up in my chest. I wanted to chase him away, but he hadn't done anything wrong, quite well-behaved in his sleep. Next time, he wouldn't need to squeeze in Mum and Dad's room or sleep on the sofa anymore; he could just sleep here. It was fine.

That punk has stepped on my thing.

Annoying.

(Excerpt 3)

Mum and Dad have finally divorced. There wasn't any meaning in their appearance of being united at the surface but divided at heart, so separating was good too.

Mum only took me with her. I asked her why she didn't take Duan Yan. She was very irritated, "How many times have I told you? Your Didi is mentally ill, I can't bring along that burden."

I discussed with my mum, "What if I give him half of my food?"

My mum rolled her eyes at me.

On the day that we separated, Dad was driving us. I said goodbye to Duan Yan in the car.

He clung to the car window and told me that he wouldn't miss me. The further I went, the better.

But when the car started moving, I turned my head back and saw Duan Yan running after the car.

I was afraid that he would run after the car for too long and get lost, so I got the car to stop and jumped out of the car, going over to hug him. In my arms, he started to cry. Duan Yan was very different from other children. When he cried, he was often expressionless, tears silently flowing from his lifeless eyes.

I yearned even more to bring him away with me. This thought became a deeply buried seed, occasionally knocking against my heart and making it ache.

(Excerpt 4)

The workload in the second year of high school was very heavy. The number of things bothering me increased one after another. My mum and stepdad had accepted two hundred thousand yuan from someone, asking me to help a third-year senior cheat in his university entrance exams. I originally thought that with this two hundred thousand yuan, I could buy a house for Duan Yan to live in, but my mum said she could only give me five hundred yuan.

I wasn't doing it. I wouldn't do business that incurred losses. At their wits' ends, they lied to me and said they'd give me all two hundred thousand yuan. They were seriously insulting my intelligence.

(Excerpt 5)

My mum has gotten pregnant.

No one in the house has paid me any attention for a long time.

(Excerpt 6)

On my birthday, Duan Yan gave me a model he had made out of mud. He said it was a model of me, but it looked more like a pig to me.

My stepdad threw away the mud person I had kept by my pillow. That was the first time I had ever yelled at him.

(Excerpt 7)

I'm a third-year student now. Using the excuse that it would be more convenient for my studies, I moved to a rented apartment near school and brought Duan Yan over.

He was a bit timid as he walked into the narrow, gloomy and cold house. He touched the furniture all around him, then hid behind me, nervously pulling at my hand. The person who used to be so unbridled and mischievous in front of me, never giving in when fighting with his classmates, was suddenly shrinking back into himself like a mouse when in a new environment.

(Excerpt 8)

Ever since I started university, Mum stopped giving me money for my living expenses. She said my scholarship money was enough, and doing a few odd jobs would be enough to support myself. She was right, but Duan Yan had to attend school and eat food too. The prices here in Beijing were more expensive than the prices in our small city.

In class, I helped my seniors to do assignments and write essays. If I didn't have class, then I went with my boss to work. Sometimes, he didn't give out packed meals and I wouldn't get to eat for the entire day. But once at night when I got home, I saw Duan Yan leave the food he had bought in the canteen for me while he was so hungry that his stomach was growling. So I lied to him and said that Mum gave me a thousand five hundred yuan every month; he could eat his food. He believed me without a doubt.

(Excerpt 9)

Recently, I've been discussing business with my classmates. Every day, we're beaten down by the sun and rain outside. It's really so tiring that I can barely catch my breath. Seeing the money that I'm getting increase, I lose my motivation to study more and more. I want money.

But even if I barely paid attention in class, it was still enough to easily handle my schoolwork. I didn't have a scholarship for nothing.

(Excerpt 10)

I didn't take my direct admission to postgraduate studies.

(Excerpt 11)

The errands I ran today were seriously too tiring. I didn't even have time to swallow my saliva. On the way home in the public bus, I fell asleep twice and nearly missed my stop.

There was half a bowl of leftover Liangpi[2] on the table. Xiao Yan was already curled up in bed fast asleep. I fell headfirst into the pillow and once my head touched the pillow, I fell asleep.

Xiao Yan seemed to have pushed me a couple of times. I hadn't had a good sleep in a while and was especially irritated, mumbling, Don't disturb me anymore, let me sleep a while.

He quietened down.

I had set an alarm for the next morning. In the midst of my sleepiness, I struggled for a bit before getting up. I realised that Xiao Yan was squeezed in my arms, his whole body burning hot as he painfully held his stomach.

Cold sweat seeped through my shirt. I couldn't be bothered to take any more consideration, simply wrapping him in some clothes and carrying him downstairs. I ran like crazy looking for a taxi to bring us to the hospital. The doctor said that it was food poisoning that had caused acute stomach flu.

(Excerpt 12)

Xiao Yan faced me and sat in my arms, an intravenous drip in the back of his hand as he hugged my neck, his cheek weakly pressed to my neck. His voice was much softer than usual and he told me in a whisper, "Accompany me for a while, I'll give you ten yuan."

My heart ached so much.

(Excerpt 13)

On recruiting day in school, quite a few enterprises wanted me. My goal was very clear; I would go to whichever enterprise gave a higher salary.

(Excerpt 14)

I'm lacking money, so I've changed jobs.

(Excerpt 15)

I've been promoted to director, my pay has increased.

Footnotes:

[1] - Passed me a chicken drumstick: A typical meal in a Chinese household is like this -- everyone has a bowl of rice, and the side dishes are on the table in serving plates. Everyone takes portions of the side dishes that they want and puts them in their bowl of rice. Family members will help each other put food in their bowls of rice with their chopsticks as a sign of affection, which is what their mother did for Duan Rui.

[2] - Liangpi: Liangpi is a noodle-like Chinese dish made from wheat or rice flour.