Chapter 26

I went to the small shop in the second canteen and bought two boxes of lo mai chi[1] and Lao Popsicles[2], one long string of Alpenliebe[3] and a bundle of Weilong[4], then stuffed all of it into my baggy uniform. I dodged the year head and director, went back to class and stored the snacks away under their desks, then picked up my school bag and left.

I wandered the streets for half an hour. I couldn't think of where I could go so I went to an Internet café and rented a computer. Facing the screen full of games that I had gotten tired of already, I zoned out. I often went to the Internet café, but I didn't have an internet addiction. Gaming and sleeping could similarly let me temporarily avoid some things that I didn't want to face. The smells of cigarette smoke and instant noodles blended together to form the foul odour of fried, expired yoghurt left behind in a pot for cooking stinky tofu, making my stomach churn.

I spun around in my seat, observing humanity. There was an older guy opposite me smoking. He moved his hand away from the greasy WASD keys and put the cigarette filter holder covered in saliva into his mouth again and again, the stubble on his chin uneven. Further away from me sat a row of hooligans whom I had seen before doing outside-game communication[5]. Their arms and ankles were covered with cheap, misshapen tattoos as they played PUBG with utmost concentration.

Everyone was absorbed in their own world. They didn't notice that among them, there was a foreign creature that had fallen in love with his own elder brother. Occasionally, I would think I was more important than I actually was, feeling like the whole world was fixing their eyes on my ugliness when in reality, most people were unaware so they didn't care.

Looking at the tattoos on the tanned and filthy skin, I suddenly wanted to tattoo a pair of rings with my Ge on our ring fingers, because the pain of being pricked was more easily etched in one's memory than just simply wearing the rings. If my Ge betrayed me and went to marry some other girl, I would cut off that finger of his and keep it in my pocket, causing him to have nowhere to wear a diamond wedding ring on. Then I'd snatch my Ge away at the wedding ceremony, buy a dog leash and bind him in my room, fucking him until he was wrecked.

Later on, I was seriously too bored, so I fished out from my school bag a mathematics paper that had been wrinkled by me and sprawled out on the table to do it. In order not to waste the rental money, I even listened to three hours of mathematics lessons on Bilibili[6]. Fuck, I was a real stupid cunt.

When I left, it was already getting dark. I found a roadside stall and ate Mala skewers[7], then conveniently bought some squid teppanyaki to bring home to eat with my Ge. I was coincidentally held back by a red light at a crossroad and saw a drunkard walk out of Phoenix Garden[8] on the other side of the road.

The man swayed as he walked. He had BMW car keys in his hand and stood next to a Wuling Hongguang[9], pressing buttons for half a day in an attempt to open the door.

At first glance, I thought to myself, Haha, stupid cunt.

At the second glance, I thought to myself, Fuck, that stupid cunt is my Ge.

I set off sprinting across through the red traffic light, the sounds of whistles, brakes and curses from drivers all quickly flashing by my ears. I heard a few drivers cursing me, "Fucking bastard, not even afraid to get crushed to death!" Actually, at that moment, all the blood had rushed to my head and I didn't have the capacity to be concerned with too much. I could only worry that my Ge might fall down and dirty his face or hurt his knees.

By the time I got to his side, my Ge was sitting on the ground. His tie was pulled loose and the first button on his collar was hanging by a thread. The deep hollows of his collarbones were suffused with a morbid pink and his hand was still gripping the car keys.

I looked left and right and checked that there was no one around, because otherwise I could only pretend that I didn't recognise him. His whole body reeked of the strong smell of baijiu[10]; exactly how much had my idiotic Gege drunk?

"Damned drunkard, get up, don't embarrass yourself outside."

My Ge opened his eyes slightly and gave me a lazy smile, the tips of his canine teeth faintly showing. He gazed at me from under his curved up lashes and licked his lips. I immediately got hard. This kind of curled lashes should be coated with tears and semen.

Duan Rui told me he was waiting for the designated driver. I asked him how much he had drunk. He said 53% Feitian Moutai[11], 800 grams.

“How much? Fucking hell, you’ve drunk until your stomach’s dead! Get up!”

My Ge didn’t let people save their worry; 800 grams, if I ever found out which big boss it was that had seized my Ge and forced him to drink to death, I would mail their company wreaths, burial clothes and paper dolls[12].

I swung Duan Rui’s arm over the back of my neck and dragged him to the mall next to us. Security didn’t let me bring in a drunkard, so I patted my Ge’s pant pockets and fished out a box of soft-packaged Chunghwa cigarettes[13], tossing it to the guard before brisk walking to a toilet that I only managed to find after about two minutes. I immediately dragged my Ge to the sink so he could vomit.

In the first few years of doing business, my Ge drank so much alcohol that he got gastric problems. A few days ago, the illness had acted up again too. When he drank, he absorbed the alcohol instead of flushing it out[14] so it was easy for him to hurt himself when drinking.

"I don't want to vomit," my Ge mumbled to himself as he supported himself against the sink, "I didn't drink much."

I trapped my Ge by the sink and forced him to vomit, my right hand pinching his jaw down to open his mouth and my left hand reaching into his mouth to dig at his throat. I wasn't a clean freak, and I wouldn't complain that my Ge was dirty.

"Vomit it out, quick, otherwise you'll suffer later."

My Ge was forced by me to throw up a few big mouthfuls of some dirty things that smelled strongly of alcohol, assailing the nostrils. He struggled in an attempt to get up, but I pressed down on his neck and disallowed him from raising his head. From behind, I tightened my forearm around his stomach, making him vomit out all the alcohol.

My Ge was almost going to throw up bile, drowsily sprawled out along the sides of the sink in pain. He tiredly pushed my forearm wrapped around his stomach away. His sheet-white face was in a sorry state, stained with residual vomit like a white rose infested with maggots.

"I'm not vomiting any more…don't trap me…"

"Stop moving around." I helped him to wash his face and rinse his mouth, taking off my uniform to wipe his face clean. Ge finally returned to his pristine state. I kissed away a droplet of water on the tip of his nose.

I hooked an arm under his knees and carried him up. It was in no way as easy as how he had carried me, so I could only carry him on my back. I really couldn't understand how a man who looked so lean could be so heavy, but give it a few years; by then I would definitely be able to easily carry him too.

He mumbled to himself that he had to wait for the designated driver. I said I was the designated driver. Then he said he had to go to school and pick up Xiao Yan. I said I was Xiao Yan. Only then did he quieten down and sit in the front passenger seat, feeling the breeze as he pinched my ear lightly.

I drove his car and brought him home, dragging him into the lift and into the house. I took off my clothes and had a simple shower, then helped him to brush his teeth, wash his hair and scrub him with soap. I spent ages searching through the kitchen for sobering medication but couldn't find any so I had to wear my clothes again and buy a pack back. I dissolved the medication in water and forced it into his mouth. After suffering through all this, my Ge was clean and nestled in bed fast asleep while I was collapsed beside him, so tired that I didn't even have the strength to eat the squid teppanyaki.

When I thought about it more carefully, I realised that for people who could reach the position my Ge held, usually no one would really dare to make them drink. Today he had been made to drink until he reached this horrifying state; the only explanation was he wanted to request someone to do something but that person just so happened to be too difficult. But my Ge's university classmates were all more brilliant than the next, the number of people who could help him with his business was not small. So why would he give up what he already had and go to such great lengths to pay respects to this difficult god?

I asked him who he had gone drinking with. My Ge said perfunctorily, You're too young, you don't understand.

I flipped through his phone (the password was my birthday) and checked his messages and call log but didn't see anything of significance. I originally wanted to call his colleagues and ask but after some thought I thought it wasn't too good to do that. After all, what if my Ge was privately speaking with a public security authority? There were a lot of rules in business that I didn't know.

At this moment, my Ge groaned. Only then did I notice that he was curled up like a prawn, his eyebrows furrowed as he covered his stomach and shivered, leaning towards me.

"Your stomach hurts right? You deserve it. Be satisfied with what you have now, without me, you'd probably be in a hospital right now getting your gut cleansed…" I exhaled into my hands and rubbed them together to heat them up before reaching into the blankets to warm up his stomach, "I'll go pour some water for you."

My Ge got onto my body and hugged me, mumbling in a muffled voice, "No."

"I'm just going to pour a glass of water. Five seconds, I'll only go for five seconds."

"Don't move, let Ge hug you."

"Don't stick your hands in my underwear…let go!"

"Be good and let me hug you."

"Ah, fucking hell, I'm done…Duan Rui you're such a spoiled and clingy little sissy."

"Xiao Yan…be good, don't move anymore, Ge doesn't feel well, Ge wants to hug you…"

On this night, he was very long-winded, saying many things to me that were all a bit incoherent, some of which couldn't be heard too clearly. But there was one part that I understood -- my Ge wanted to screw my dad over, but he kept thinking of me. Having an immediate family member in jail would affect my political screening. In the future, I would face a lot of limitations on the occupations I could assume. This was fine to me, after all, I didn't want to work in the government system at all.

My Ge said I was foolish.

He said, You're a little kid, your own dad is in jail, your mum remarried, and you even slept with your own Ge. It's too sorrowful.

My Ge muttered as he clung to me. The words in his mouth were a disordered mess. The more I tried to pry him off, the tighter he hugged me. His breath filled with the smell of alcohol hit me in the face. I was extremely disgusted by this smell and pried off his fingers around me one by one until I was free, tearing him off my body.

He suddenly stopped moving. He lifted his eyelids slightly and gazed at me, a layer of moisture emerging over his eyes, "You're not letting me hug you anymore?"

"When Xiao Yan goes to university, he'll be able to see a lot of things that he can't see right now from the bottom of the well. Then you'll know that Gege isn't the best…"

"How about you marry at forty, wait until forty to marry. There's no need to rush, when you like someone, you have to bring them back for Ge to inspect."

"Ge is always regretting that he has brought you down the wrong path."

He held his head in his arms, his brows creased together in pain.

A few years back, during the days when we only pecked each other's lips and didn't kiss deeply, those big bosses would find crap for my Ge to deal with every day. During that time, my Ge would often come home with a sour expression. Only when he came over to my side while I was watching television and kissed my lips would his expression look a little better. But no matter how much hardship he faced outside, he wouldn't wail to me about it. He never had. I thought he was very strong, but now that I thought about it, perhaps he was just very good at pretending. Because he didn't have a Ge, he didn't have any of the privileges that I had.

"...Annoying, don't keep going on and on." I helped him to press on his eyelids, letting his tears trickle out.

I told him not only Didi[15] could cry, Gege could cry too. When Gege cried, he would have Didi to comfort him.

My previous guess was incorrect. I had thought that when he cried, my Ge's eyes would be like a sky of stars falling into the sea but in reality, it was more like a torrential rain of diamonds exploding on a certain planet. To him, it was just an unplanned outburst, but I wanted to pick up every single piece and keep them in my pocket.

I held my Ge, lightly caressing his trembling back. I knew that he was in too much pain; I felt sorry for him. These few years, I had been tossing to him everything that I should have contemplated myself. He was so burdened that he couldn't breathe while I hadn't noticed that my Ge was tired out.

He kissed my neck, his lips lightly gliding across my skin. His sharp teeth suddenly bit down on my artery. The intense, sharp pain gradually increased, traces of blood seeping out of the bite marks. I imagined being held by the throat in the mouth of an injured wolf king. He enjoyed me, while I cured him.

He pillowed his head on my chest and fell asleep, holding my hand, our fingers so tightly interlocked that our blood circulation was practically being cut off.

I said softly in his ear, “Ge, you have to be obedient.”

He nodded his head slightly.

He didn’t believe that I loved him, and I didn’t have the ability to prove that I loved him either. I didn’t know when we wouldn’t have to be so secretive anymore. When I grew up, I also wanted to hold him in my arms and take photos of him sleeping, then post the photos on my Moments[16]. I wanted to see a long string of familiar people commenting ‘99’[17] beneath the picture. I wanted to be wrapped in the same scarf as him on Valentine’s and Christmas Day as we drank hot milk tea together, and I wanted to get down on one knee, accompanied by the sound of musical instruments, and slip a pair of crystal heels onto his feet, declaring to the whole world that this beautiful and delicate man was my lover.

Of course, those who could not accept this sort of abnormal love affair made up the majority, but Jiang Xue’s trust was an umbrella. With this umbrella, when I walked, I wouldn’t get drenched by the rain. The world of adults was lonelier than I, so I tipped the umbrella to one side, sheltering my Ge a little more.

Footnotes:

[1] - Lo mai chi: A type of Chinese pastry, also known as glutinous rice dumpling. The outer layer is made of a rice flour dough and the inside is typically filled with a sweet filling.

[2] - Lao Popsicles: They're 'old-style', inexpensive popsicles made of simple sugar with no added flourishes.

[3] - Alpenliebe: A popular brand of candy in China.

[4] - Weilong: A prominent brand of spicy sticks.

[5] - outside-game communication: aka they don't only communicate in the game, they meet up and play together so they can communicate with each other in real life

[6] - Bilibili: Video streaming platform used in China, somewhat like YouTube

[7] - Mala skewers: Mala is a spicy and numbing seasoning made from Sichuan peppercorn and chilli. It's often eaten with a lot of other food like lotus root and bamboo shoots. The skewers are essentially putting the food on a skewer and dipping it in mala. https://images.app.goo.gl/ttM17Rr4SuLtnMQd9

[8] - Phoenix Garden: I'm not sure where this is but Baidu says it's located in Dadong District which is one of the ten districts in Shenyang, the capital of Liaoning.

[9] - Wuling Hongguang: A line-up of compact MPV produced by SAIC-GM-Wuling. It looks like this. For comparison, a BMW looks like this, so you can imagine how drunk Duan Rui must have been.

[10] - Baijiu: Baijiu is a very popular type of alcohol in China. It's the world's bestselling liquor, distilled from fermented sorghum, although other grains may be used.

[11] - 53% Feitian Moutai: Maotai is a type of baijiu. 53% Feitian Moutai (or Moutai Flying Fairy 53%) is known as the ‘original’ Moutai and was awarded the title of National Liquor. You can read more here but in short, Maotai is an expensive, strong and iconic alcoholic drink.

[12] - wreaths, burial clothes and paper dolls: These are all things you would see at a Chinese funeral.

[13] - soft-packaged Chunghwa cigarettes: It's a premium brand of cigarettes in China. Due to its popularity in the Chinese market, it is considered the most representative brand of Chinese cigarettes and is known as the "national smoke".

[14] - absorbed the alcohol instead of flushing it out: The original phrase was ‘走胃不走肾’, literally ‘goes to the stomach and not the kidneys’. The former means you get drunk more easily and the latter means that you go to the toilet often, hence flushing it out.

[15] - Didi: Younger brother

[16] - Moments: A WeChat feature. Moments are status updates, pictures and videos that users can share with their friends.

[17] - 99: Pronounced 'jiu3 jiu3', which sounds like 久久, which means 'long long'. Commenting 99 is like blessing them to last long.