Chapter 49

All my life, I rarely heard people apologise to me, as if anything unacceptable they did to me was all alright.

After so many years, the only person who had said ‘sorry’ to me was probably just Yan Yang. The only person who had ever taken my feelings into consideration was also him.

Thinking of him, I wanted to ask what had happened to him, but before I could, I heard that man sitting there say, “I kept wanting to run away from it, and I have been running away all this time.”

He had chosen to escape by walking away without looking back, then marrying another woman and giving their newborn son the exact same name as his elder son in a bid to erase the elder son's existence.

I couldn't even tell who was more laughable between the two of us.

He sat there with his head bowed in repentance, like a person about to be sent to the gallows, pleading with the monarch for mercy.

But apart from his tears being real, I didn't know what else I could believe.

I already didn't have any ability to empathise. At that moment, when I looked at him, I just found it funny. I told myself: That lunatic is already dead. He can say whatever he wants; who knows whether it's true or false?

As he went on, I couldn't hear what he was saying anymore. I couldn't hear anything at all. I just stared out of the window, as though if I continued looking there, I'd be able to see Yan Yang.

“Yan Xuan, what do you think? Are you okay with it?”

I suddenly heard him say that. When I turned back to look, I realised he was actually reaching out, intending to hold my hand.

I quickly drew my hand back. Being touched by him made me feel disgusted.

“I'm truly sorry for what I did to you.”

I had already heard his insincere apologies too many times. He really had to learn from his younger son about how to apologise to people.

“No matter what, he's still your own, blood-related Didi.”

So it turned out that everything he had said before was just cushioning. This part was the actual main point.

“When Yan Yang came back to see us, he told us that he likes men. It was already quite a big deal, but we never expected that the person would be you.”

I finally lifted my eyes and looked straight at him, “He went back to China to come out to you?”

Likely because he saw that I was finally willing to communicate, he seemed a bit excited.

“We had already noticed long ago that there was something off about him. When his mum was tidying up his piano scores, she found a photo hidden between the papers.” He started to sigh again, his gaze pinned on my finger.

On my finger was still the tattoo that was exactly the same as Yan Yang's. The wedding ring we could never take off.

“The photo was of yours and Yan Yang's hands.”

I remembered it now; Yan Yang had indeed taken such a photo.

He had wanted to take a photo of our fingers interlocked, with this pair of ‘rings’ on.

So it turned out that he had returned this Spring Festival to settle this.

I closed my eyes again, but nothing was stirring in my heart anymore. It was a pond of stagnant water, because I recalled Yan Yang’s words. He didn’t believe anymore that we had both loved each other.

I should have gone back to fight for it, to tell him I really did love him. I didn’t know when it had started, but I did love him.

It was just a pity that my love had been as much as my hatred. The hatred like sewage had polluted the love I had for him. With everything that had happened, I no longer had the right to ask anything of him. I didn’t even have the right to ask for his understanding.

“Let him go,” he said, “You hate me, I know. I can compensate you in any way you want. Let Yan Yang go; he’s still young.”

I had originally been calm, and also thought that I could calmly wait for him to scram.

But these words of his made me flare up again. There was still a needle in the back of my hand, yet I felt not an ounce of pain when I fiercely grabbed the things on the table and madly flung them at him.

Let Yan Yang go; he’s still young.

“Why haven’t you died yet?” I was like a wild animal, my eyes blazing red. I was restrained by the doctor and nurse who suddenly burst in as I continued, “I’ll let him go when you’re dead.”

I knew that in their eyes, I had already become a complete lunatic. Nobody would care about whether a lunatic was dead or alive; or rather, as a lunatic, the best ending for me was to die as soon as possible.

I shouted until my voice went hoarse, but afterwards I couldn’t remember what I had shouted.

I was dragged back onto the bed by the hospital staff. I looked like a true mental patient.

The more you fear something, the more likely it will happen.

I had been waiting for this day anyway.

I groggily fell asleep again. When I woke up, the sky had darkened. There wasn't a single person around, the dark night my only companion.

I lay there like that for a long while, then I sat up, plucked the needle out, and got down from the bed.

When I opened the door, the corridor lights were so bright that I couldn't open my eyes. I went out and turned left. I didn't know where I was going, but after I took a few steps and looked up again, I saw Yan Yang standing not far away in hospital clothes.

He looked at me expressionlessly, then turned and left.

I didn't go after him. I just stared at his silhouette.

I thought of how he had called me ‘Ge’ for the first time, back when he was younger. Of how he had told me about his first wet dream with his face flushed red. Of how he had stripped naked and lain in my bed, and of how he had held me and told me he loved me very much.

People always say that before a person dies, their mind will quickly replay their life like a movie. It seemed that the most important parts of my life had all been related to him.

He turned to head downstairs. I suddenly ran after him, stopping him on the stairs. Before he could react, I kissed him on the lips.

Yan Yang fiercely pushed me away, his face full of disgust.

I grinned and said to him, “Goodbye kiss[1].”

That could be considered my proper farewell to him.

Footnotes:

[1] ‘Goodbye kiss’: Italicised because he said it in English in the raw text.