Chapter 30

I couldn't get the image of him making love with me by the piano out of my head. We had worn the same pyjamas, in the same state of dishevel.

At the end of it, Yan Yang limply collapsed in my arms. He asked me, “Ge, do you still want me to play the part I left out?”

Of course, in the end, he didn't. I carried him to the bathroom and we took a bath together after tossing our sleepwear into the washing machine.

After the bath, Yan Yang went to sleep. I stood next to his piano, staring at the semen stain on the piano stool.

At that instant, I had a moment’s hesitation. I already had a wet cloth in my hand, but in the end, I still didn’t wipe it off.

After I had returned to school, Yan Yang continued to call me every night. One night, he mentioned that he had quarreled with his father. The reason for the quarrel was that his father had spotted the semen stain on the piano stool.

Actually, that stain had really been quite obvious. I didn’t believe that after I left it there, Yan Yang hadn’t noticed it himself.

I had left it there on purpose, to let his parents know that there were some hidden things happening within this household. But what about him? Why hadn't he cleaned it off?

I asked him, “How did the quarrel go?”

I didn’t even bother talking about the main issue of the semen stain with Yan Yang. There was no point discussing something we both already understood in our hearts.

“He said I was shameless,” Yan Yang recounted, “That day, when we did it on the piano stool, we accidentally dirtied it, and Dad saw, so he asked me whether it was my doing.”

“What did you say?”

“I said ‘yes’,” Yan Yang laughed, “‘I’m already at this age, can’t I masturbate?’”

I didn’t say anything. Yan Yang paused, then continued, “So Dad said I was shameless and told me not to do that in the living room anymore.”

“So you argued with him?”

“Mhm, I said I’ll do it wherever I want to.”

If it was myself who had said that, it likely wouldn’t have been as easy as a simple quarrel. I would probably have been swept out the front door.

“Anyway, he scolded me. Now we’re giving each other the cold shoulder,” Yan Yang said, “Ge, there’s something I didn’t tell you that day.”

“What is it?”

“It was so thrilling,” he giggled, “Playing the piano while making love with you. I liked it.”

He then went silent for a few seconds. I could faintly hear a sigh from his end before he continued, “Both of them are things I love.”

I stood by the open window in the dorm corridor as I smoked a cigarette. When I heard him say this, I felt a bit conflicted.

“Ge, do you love me?”

“I do.”

Yan Yang’s laughter rang out from the phone speaker. It was a bit piercing. Not because of his voice, but because the sound of his laughter itself was like needles to me.

Not long after, Yan Yang went abroad. A few days before he was set to leave, he came to find me. At the inn near my university, we tumbled in the sheets all day and night.

Coincidentally, the room we booked was the same one we had booked the first time he had come to find me here.

We had wanted to book a double room, but when we went there, there were no more empty rooms left other than a twin room. But it was fine.

We could even squeeze onto the single bed at home, never mind a bed like this.

During those two days, I had classes, but I didn’t attend a single one. Yan Yang cried every day. When he was making love, he cried, and when he was not, he also cried. He was crying because he had to go overseas alone for his studies and we would not be able to meet for at least a year.

He couldn’t bear to leave me.

I wrapped him in my arms to comfort him, kissing the tip of his nose, his lips, and the nape of his neck. I told him, It’s okay, just wait for me. When I’m there, we’ll be together every day.

But in actual fact, I was simply lying to him.

Oftentimes, what one has to confront is not others, but oneself. I clearly knew I already had feelings for him and was not merely infatuated with his body, but I was not willing to accept this reality. I kept lying to myself, letting myself trick him, betray him, and mistreat him.

I insisted on making myself the villain.

I didn’t know why exactly.

I suspected that his dad actually already had an inkling that there was something off about my relationship with Yan Yang, but he certainly wouldn’t be able to think of exactly what was off. Perhaps he just felt that I had put his darling son under some sort of spell, to make Yan Yang become immensely reliant on me. But he would never imagine that we had already slept together countless times, and that my semen had already been left inside his darling son’s body innumerable times.

Thinking of this, I actually felt quite satisfied.

I kept thinking; if one day, he learnt of the relationship between Yan Yang and me, what would the expression on his face be like?

When that day really came, I had to be there to witness it myself, or it would be such a shame.

During those two days at the inn, we took many photos.

Of us embracing, kissing, and even making love.

I had told Yan Yang I wanted to keep them as a memento. Whenever I missed him, I would take them out and look at them.

He made a copy of it for himself as well, keeping it like it was his precious treasure.

After Yan Yang went overseas, he got a tattoo on his inner thigh. A single Chinese character, ‘Ming’, from my old name.

Yan Yang said, “Ge, do you know why I tattooed your name here? Because you're the only one who can spread my two legs.”