The Goldfish Massacre
By Trinidy McCoy
Scene one
(In fish store)
Timothy: Do you, fishy albert, take fishy pam to be your lawfully wedded fish wife?
Timothy(fish voice): Glub glub
Timothy: And do you, fishy pam, take fishy albert to be your lawfully wedded fish husband?
Timothy(fish voice): Glub glub
Timothy: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you fishy and fish
Timothy: (sigh) god my life is sooo pathetic
(door flies open)
Timothy: Customers????
Bertha: Autobots, Assemble!
Timothy: wait what? Why are y’all wearing masks? Is this a costume party or something?
(gang members start busting up tanks)
Timothy: WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP
Gang Member 1: DIE DIE DIE
Timothy: what kind of costume party is this??
Gang Member 2: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Gang Members: (screams and yelling continues)
Bertha: Autobots, Roll out!
(gang leaves)
Timothy: NO! Arnold! Pam! No no no no no, this can’t be happening! It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. (puts fish in mouth)(starts choking)
(Bertha runs back in without mask)
Bertha: oh my. Oh my! Timothy! (abomolly thrusts timothy and fish flies out of mouth)
Timothy: you saved my life… i am forever grateful. thank you. Who are you? Have we met before? You seem oddly familiar.
Bertha: no no. we have most definitely never met before. I’m Bertha
Timothy: Bertha, what a beautiful name. I’m Timothy.
Bertha: I know
Timothy: you know my name? But you said we’ve never met before?
Bertha: oh um I mean I’ve heard you own the fish store. Sorry about your fish by the way.
Timothy: oh right. Forgot about that. Uhh i guess I’ll just bring in a stray cat to clean this up or something. No use in just letting them rot.
Bertha: they’re just fish anyways. Not a big deal, right?
Timothy: well i guess. I don’t have any real, ya know, human friends so i considered them my friends. Well i used to anyways.
Bertha: ohhhh. Well maybe i can change that. Do, do you want my, my number, maybe?
Timothy: yes! I mean, uh, yea. That’d be cool, i guess. Yea
Bertha:(writes down number and gives to timothy) ok well um, i gotta jet so, toodles (walks out of store)
Timothy:(starts dancing happily) HA! Screw you fishy albert! Told you i could get a human to talk to me!
Scene Two
(in their bedrooms)
Timothy: it’s been precisely 6 hours. Do i call her? No it’s only been 6 hours. she’ll think i’m desperate. (to fish) Yes peter i know i’m desperate but i don’t want her to think that. Do i wait for her to call me? But what if she thinks i’m avoiding her? Oh my holy fish. Having a friend is so complicated. Ok peter you’re right. I’ve waited 16 years for this. I’ll call her. Here goes nothing.
Bertha: (conveniently waiting by the phone for the call) Timothy?! I mean, hello?
Timothy: Hey it’s me. I’m timothy. I mean. Obviously i’m timothy. i mean. Umm… hi
Bertha: hi
Timothy: so umm, how are you doing this lovely night?
Bertha: I’m quite swell. And yourself?
Timothy: i’m just peachy. What about you?
Bertha: I’m good. You?
Timothy: i’m pretty good. You?
Bertha: i’m doing fine thanks. You?
Timothy: quite nice. You?
Bertha: rather well. You?
Timothy: i’m grand. And you?
Bertha: outstanding really. And yourself?
Timothy: phenomenal thanks for asking. You?
Bertha: Fantastic! How are you?
Timothy: i uhh, i actually wanted to ask you something.
Bertha: go on...
Timothy: so i was kinda wondering if you wanted to do something. Like to see a film or something... Ya know... With me… and you would also be there… At the same time.
Bertha: i would love to
Timothy: wait really? That’s great! So like tomorrow at like 5?
Bertha: sounds like a plan
Timothy: alrighty well, see ya later, toodles
(hangs up)
Timothy: YEESSSS! HA! Told you peter! You dumb nitwit
Scene Three
(walking to theater)
Timothy: So if the film starts at 5 that gives us approximately 17 minutes and 52 seconds to get there, buy our tickets, and get popcorn. I mean if you want popcorn. Do you like popcorn?
Bertha: ummm actually I have a very deadly corn allergy soooo…
Timothy: uh right! Uhhh i’m such a dimwited plonker.
Bertha: yea… (holds timothy’s hand) but it’s kinda cute
Homeless Woman: Hey you! Yes you, you damp squib! Get your crusty bum over here you twit.
Timothy: wow now listen here you daft cow. Who do you think you’re talking to?
Homeless Woman: looks like i’m talking to some picky pillock
Timothy: well i’ll have you know that i just so happen to be the owner of a very successful goldfish store, thank you very much.
Homeless Woman: oh big whoop. Anyways do either of you nitwits have any spare change? I really need a new butcher knife. I uhh… lost my other one.
Bertha: tough nuts lady. Even if we did, we wouldn’t give it to a mingebag like you.
Timothy: come on bertha, we don’t have time for this trollop. If we want to catch the film we must be on our way.
Bertha: You’re right. Let’s go. (spits on homeless woman)
Homeless Woman:(screams) you twit!
(timothy and bertha arrive at the ticket booth)
Worker Steve: well hiya folks. My name is worker steve. How can i be of assistance today?
Bertha: your name is worker steve?
Worker Steve: that is correct. I shall only answer when addressed as “worker steve” not steve, not worker, not steve the worker. Worker steve is the only acceptable address.
Timothy: 2 tickets for “Attack on the British Empire” please
Worker Steve: oh that film is absolutely fabulous. My favorite part is at the end when the queen eats her dog and kills herself. Man what a plot twist, am i right?
Bertha: are you kidding me?? You just completely spoiled the entire film!
Timothy: uggghhhh. It’s fine. We’ll just watch whatever else is playing. It doesn’t matter.
(steve hands them the tickets)
Worker Steve: enjoy your film, love.
Bertha: yea yea whatever.
( they enter the movie theater and take their seats)
(jess and tibias come sit next to them)
Jess: (in really annoying white girl voice) OMGWAYDHYSW!!
Timothy: uhhh what does that mean?
Tibias: dude, it obviously means “oh my goat what are you doing here you sly walrus”
Bertha: Well Jess, you see Timothy here asked me to see a film (winks at jess quite obviously suggesting that the plan worked)
Jess: aww y’all are so cute. Almost as cute as a goldfish. If ya know what i mean.
Timothy: wait what?
Jess: ya know, y’all came just for the “halibut”
Tibias: uhhh hey tim man, i need your help in the bathroom.
Timothy: uhhh ok
(they go to the bathroom)
Timothy: why is your girlfriend making fish jokes? It’s making me uncomfortable. You know how sensitive i am to that subject after the… incident.
Tibias: ummm i’m not supposed to tell you this but i honestly feel sorry for you. Cause i mean you have like literally no friends.
Timothy: pff i do too have friends. I have lots of them
Tibias: let me correct myself. You don’t have any human friends
Timothy: alright point made. Continue.
Tibias: Ummm. wel // l there is no easy way to say this but // Jess and Bertha were in that gang that killed your fish.
Timothy: whatever // that’s such a rubbish story
Tibias: dude i’m serious
Timothy: you have no proof
Tibias: fine don’t believe me. But i’m telling the truth. I mean why else would Jess be making all those fish jokes? They’re not funny at all so she’s obviously hinting at it. And your dumb fish store has security cameras right? Go look at them. I guarantee you’ll see everything.
Timothy: ok but why would Bertha be a part of that gang?
Tibias: i hate to break it to you, but Bertha was actually the gang leader. It was all her plan.
Timothy: what? Why would she do that?
Tibias: Well. She’s kinda been low key obsessed with you for years and wanted to get your attention somehow.
Timothy: and she thought conducting a goldfish massacre was the solution?
Tibias: i don’t know what to tell you Tim man. Chicks are crazy.
Timothy: i swear to the fish gods, she will rue that day!
Tibias: good. I never liked her anyways. What’s the plan?
Timothy: nothing. I’ll go on pretending i know nothing about it. But she’ll regret it. Just wait. Can’t spoil the ending.
Tibias: oooo. Mysterious. Cool. but uh. My zippers stuck and i really gotta take a waz sooo wanna help a pal out?
Timothy: oh my god….
Scene Four
(walking to fancy restaurant)
Timothy: i can’t believe we’ve officially been dating for an entire year. You really are the love of my life, bertha.
Bertha: awww timothy. I love you (stops and hugs him)(tim. Makes waing motions with his hands behind berthas back gesturing at the same homeless woman)
Timothy: oh by golly. bertha look! Goats! Go pet them!
Bertha: OMG i love goats! Aren’t you going to join me?
Timothy: I’ll be right there. I need to make a call. You go on, love.
(timothy walks over to the homeless woman who has a satchel)
Timothy: you got the stuff?
Homeless Woman: yep. One rock solid frozen fish lined with razor blades. You got the money?
Timothy: Yep. all 1,803 euros. This better work
Homeless Woman: trust me. This isn’t the first time i’ve taken place in a murder.
Timothy: uhh ok. (takes satchel from homeless woman) (goes to bertha) Bertha are you ready, dear?
Bertha: Yes. Goodbye felix.
Timothy: who’s felix?
Bertha: The goat obviously. That’s what i named him.
Timothy: and what a lovely name that is.
(they get to the restaurant)
Waiter: right this way
(the waiter takes them to their seats) (the restaurant is also filled with other people seated at surrounding tables)( all tables have baskets of bread on them)
Waiter: Can i start you off with any drinks or appetizers?
Timothy: no we’re ready to order
(speaking to bertha)
Waiter: What can i get you ma’am?
(Timothy interrupts bertha as she is ordering)
Timothy: oh we’ll both have the fish fillet. And could you make this quick? We’re kinda in a hurry.
Waiter: of course sir.
Bertha: Timothy, what is going on with you? You’ve been acting strange all day. Is everything alright?
Timothy: bertha, i have something to ask you. I’ve been thinking about this long and hard for quite a long time now. (gets down on one knee and sticks hand in bag to grab fish)
Bertha:OMG OMG OMG are you proposing???
Timothy: nope.
Bertha: ...what?
Timothy: I wanna know why you killed my fishies!!!! (slaps bertha across the face with fish killing her)(whole room screams)(he runs out. Runs back in. grabs loaf of bread from table. And runs out)