Play Rehearsal Carmichael
Danny Stone and the Temple of Tapukutu
By: William Carmichael
Scene 1:
(The stage lights up to PROFESSOR K sitting in an armchair reading a book. DANNY STONE enters from stage left, startling the professor.)
PROFESSOR K: Oh, great gobs Danny! You know not to interrupt tea-time!
DANNY STONE: Sorry, Professor. I received a letter that you wanted me to come at once?
PROFESSOR K: Oh yes, Danny! I am in dire need of your service.
DANNY STONE: Like the time I saved the Golden Goblet from the Soviets?
PROFESSOR K: Yes, lad, yes! Oh, I do remember that adventure very well. Your father was quite the character, Daniel.
DANNY STONE: Well, what do you need this time around, Professor?
PROFESSOR K: I need an ancient artifact in South America for my newest exhibit in the Kienbaum Museum - the Tapukutuhuian Otatop!
DANNY STONE: The what?
PROFESSOR K: The Tapukutuhuian Otatop!
DANNY STONE: The Tapukutuhutian Otatop?
PROFESSOR K: No, the Tapukutuhuian Otatop.
DANNY STONE: Taputuhian Otatop?
PROFESSOR K: Tapukutuhuian Otatop.
DANNY STONE: Tapuk- oh, nevermind. I’ll study it on my flight.
PROFESSOR K: Splendid, Danny. I have scheduled your flight for this evening.
DANNY STONE: Will my pilot be Jake again?
PROFESSOR K: No, I am afraid that his pricing has skyrocketed. Man wants a thousand dollars just to fly to South America! Hmph!
DANNY STONE: If Jake isn’t going to fly me, then who will?
PROFESSOR K: Well, chum, I hear that United Airlines has a new Sky Mile Program.
DANNY STONE: Alright then. I can’t get access to any other Mile-High programs, can I? (DANNY winks to the audience)
PROFESSOR K: No, no Danny. We can’t risk another lawsuit after your last “adventure” in Las Vegas.
DANNY STONE: Yeah… (he smirks, then seems to remember and grimaces) A-anyway, I better be going.
PROFESSOR K: Alright then Danny, be safe!
(Lights fade out. PROFESSOR K and DANNY STONE exit stage left.)
Scene 2:
(Lights fade in to the terminal in an airport.)
DANNY STONE: Finally at the airport.
(JULIET and SABRINA enter from stage right)
DANNY STONE: Oh, god.
JULIET and SABRINA: Hello Danny. (They turn to face each other and grimace) What are YOU doing here?
DANNY STONE: Now now ladies, don’t get in a fight.
JULIET: Oh, Danny, I came at once when I heard that you were leaving to Tapu…
SABRINA: Tapukutu?
JULIET: Tapukutu.
DANNY STONE: Oh, Juliet, my dear. I can’t bring myself to let you come with me. The danger of the Tapu… of the country I am going to is unknowable - it’s mountains treacherous, it’s swamps diseased, it’s women shapely and --
JULIET: I get it, Danny.
SABRINA: I can manage, Danny. Don’t you remember our last adventure when I made the fire and saved you from the snakes?
DANNY: You didn’t save me, dear. I had it all under control.
SABRINA: You were poisoned! You fainted!
DANNY: Oh, nonesense love.
(BORCHA enters from stage left, making a large ruckuss)
DANNY: What the blazes is that?
JULIET: Oh, Danny, the sasquatch you hunted is back from the dead! (She pretends to faint into Danny’s arms, but misses and falls on the floor)
BORCHA: Hey there big boy. (She bats her eyelashes)
DANNY: Oh, god. Who let that in?
BORCHA: I came to go with you Danny.
DANNY: Oh please, ladies, I don’t have time for this. I need to catch my flight!
(JIMBO THE DANCING MONKEY and his two bodyguards enter)
DANNY: Jimbo!? Jimbo the Dancing Monkey, is that really you? (The monkey nods)
BODYGUARD 1: His monkeyship heard that you were to leave for Tapukutu for another adventure. He came at once to your aid.
DANNY: Perfect! (Aside) Now I don’t have to deal with the two-and-a-half lovers.
SABRINA: Danny, please don’t go without me!
JULIET: Or me, your love!
BORCHA: I go too.
DANNY: Now, now ladies, I must go alone. There is too much at stake to bring anyone that would make me look taken.
BODYGUARD 2: Our plane is about to leave, Mr. Stone.
DANNY: Alright, let us board. Goodbye, loves!
JULIET: Oh, goodbye, my love! The one who saves me, the light of my life, my one and only, always and forever will I love you. (DANNY, JIMBO, and the two bodyguards exit.) Ugh! I have to get on that plane!
SABRINA: Why do you want to go so bad?
JULIET: He’s Danny Stone! He’s worth several hundred million dollars! And at the rate of adventures he goes on, he’ll die soon. I can get his inheritance!
SABRINA: You sly dog! At least I actually love him.
BORCHA: Danny look good.
SABRINA: Hey, look, it’s the luggage cart! We can hide on it until they bring it to the plane. Then we can stowaway onboard.
JULIET: You really are a resourceful one, aren’t you.
SABRINA: Come on, let’s hurry!
(The three exit the stage.)
Scene 3:
(JIMBO and DANNY are at a fine dining table lit on stage)
DANNY: Oh yeah, I do remember that. The adventure for finding the three stones was a good one.
PILOT: (offstage) We are now approaching Tapukutuhian airspace.
DANNY: Splendid!
(Light fades out on the dining table. Light comes on to the other side of the stage with JULIET, SABRINA, and BORCHA.)
SABRINA: I told you this would work.
JULIET: Barely. Ow, this hurts.
SABRINA: What’s wrong?
JULIET: I can’t get comfortable.
SABRINA: Oh, please. Get over it!
JULIET: Why is there so much luggage, anyway. There’s barely enough room for the three of us.
SABRINA: Maybe if Bolshevik over here wasn’t seven feet tall there’d be more room.
BORCHA: Hey. That’s my physical appearance. That hurts.
JULIET: Oh shut up, you ogre.
SABRINA: Please don’t make it angry.
(Lights fade down and switch back to DANNY and JIMBO)
DANNY: This lobster thermidor is exquisite!
JIMBO: *monkey noises*
DANNY: I agree.
PILOT: Attention passengers, it appears we are going to have some difficulty. A pelican flew into our left engine. Please ignore the smoke.
DANNY: Oh boy, I hope the plane crashes. That would be quite the adventure indeed.
(Lights come on to both sides of the stage.)
SABRINA: Did you hear that? I think the pilot is speaking.
JULIET: Lean against the door. Try to listen!
SABRINA: What do you think I’m trying to do? I can barely reach the door.
JULIET: There’s too much stuff in here.
SABRINA: I think there’s engine trouble. The pilot’s saying something about a pelican.
JULIET: Oh no, we’re going to crash!
SABRINA: I’m sure it will be fine. This plane has four engines!
PILOT: Attention passengers, the engine is now fixed. We will not crash.
DANNY: Rats!
JULIET: Yeah but this is Danny Stone we’re talking about.
DANNY: Jimbo, do you think there’s any way we could add some more adventure to this?
JULIET: Of course we’re going to crash!
SABRINA: It will be fine!
(JIMBO whispers something into Danny’s ear)
DANNY: Of course! You are a genius, my friend.
JULIET: Danny’s going to make sure we crash!
(DANNY exits stage left. Several mechanical noises are heard. DANNY enters stage left and sits back down with JIMBO)
BORCHA: (picking her nose) Did you guys hear that?
JULIET and SABRINA: Yes.
DANNY: Now that that’s all taken care of we should have some more adventure in about three… two…
PILOT: Attention passengers! We now have full engine blow out! Mayday! Mayday!
(Stage lights up in blinking red lights. All regular lights go out)
JULIET: Why are these lights on!
SABRINA: Why do you think! We’re going to crash!
JULIET: I told you so!
BORCHA: I feel like I’m going to throw up.
SABRINA and JULIET: NOT ON ME!
PILOT: Brace for impact!
(All lights go out. Loud crashing noise is heard.)
Scene 4:
(Light’s come back up to Danny and Jimbo climbing out of wreckage)
DANNY: Nice job, Jimbo. I knew we could do it. I was about to have some withdrawals. (He looks around) Shame the rest of the passengers died. And the pilot. But you know what they say, “I’m a hobbit and I am going on an adventure!” (Screams are heard from offstage) What is that my ears hear? Is it a beautiful damsel in distress to accompany on this dangerous, jungle adventure? (Aside) And accompany me in my bed? (He winks and smirks to the audience) Jimbo, I shall go in search of this beau. You go in search of civilization. (Whispering) And make sure you don’t find it, but make your way back to our adventure. You know the drill.
(JIMBO makes monkey noises and exits stage left. DANNY walks stage right.)
DANNY: Come to me, my beautiful dame. Oh, I do hope she is exotic.
(BORCHA enters stage right)
DANNY: Too exotic! Too exotic! I still wish for a woman!
BORCHA: Hey look! It’s Danny Stone, guys.
(JULIET and SABRINA enter stage right, their clothes torn and bodies bruised.)
JULIET: Oh, Danny!
SABRINA: Really? Already?
DANNY: Oh, of course you girls had to follow me. Did you really stowaway aboard this plane?
JULIET: It was my idea.
SABRINA: No it wasn’t!
(JULIET sticks her tongue out at SABRINA)
DANNY: Why have you come here? Am I truly that irresistible?
JULIET: (Swooning) Yes.
SABRINA: Sure.
DANNY: Well, I sent Jimbo out to search for civilization. We will have to stay here and salvage whatever we can. Sabrina, you collect firewood. Juliet, you go into the plane and try to salvage whatever materials it has. And… Uh, you. (Points to BORCHA) Um, go look for… stuff.
BORCHA: Okay Danny.
JULIET: I’ll save us Danny!
SABRINA: Whatever.
(Lights fade out)
Scene 5:
(Lights fade in to SABRINA and JULIET sitting around a campfire)
JULIET: Why is it so cold. We’re in a jungle!
SABRINA: Just because we’re in a jungle doesn’t mean it is going to be warm.
JULIET: Whatever. How’s the fire coming?
SABRINA: (Rubbing sticks together) Not very good. But I think I’m getting closer.
JULIET: (Shivers) I hope so. Where did Danny go?
SABRINA: God knows where he went. Big Beefo is gone too.
JULIET: That’s good.
(DANNY enters from stage left carrying a taxidermied deer head.)
JULIET: (Screaming) What is that! That’s disgusting!
SABRINA: Where’s the rest of it?
DANNY: This is a trophy I’m going to bring back with me to remember this adventure.
JULIET: That’s disgusting!
SABRINA: Look Danny, I’ve started making a fire!
DANNY: Oh, here, let me help you. (He hands the deer head to Juliet who screams. Danny kneels down to the campfire and touches the wood, igniting it)
SABRINA: How did you do that so quickly?
DANNY: I’ve got the magic touch, love.
JULIET: (Yawning) I’m tired. (She clings to Danny)
DANNY: The sun is setting. We should get some rest. Jimbo should be back in the morning.
(They three lay down on the ground. Lights fade out.)
Scene 6:
(A loud, rhythmic stomping is heard around the stage. Lights fade in at 10%)
DANNY: (Cuddling his deer head) Do you two hear that?
SABRINA and JULIET: Yes.
(The stomping grows louder. THe lights fade up to 30%. The two Tapukutuhuians enter from stage left and right.)
SABRINA and JULIET: (Hugging each other) Ahh! Who are they!
DANNY: (Protecting his deer head) Oh boy, here comes the adventure!
TAPUKUTUHIAN 1 and TAPUKUTUHIAN 2: (Indiscernible chanting and yelling in a made up language)
DANNY: I wish I read Professor K’s books on translating this delicate language.
SABRINA: You mean you can’t understand them?
DANNY: Of course not. They’re savages!
(The natives grab the three adventurers and force them offstage. Lights fade out and come back up to 100%, revealing an elaborate temple facade with the two woman in chains on stage left. DANNY kneels between the two natives. On the top of the temple facade is a shelf with several golden artifacts, one of which is the famed Otatop. One golden artifact is JIMBO’s face painted gold.)
DANNY: If you just tell me where we are, I can have us leave. Care to point us to the nearest city?
(The natives chant incoherently again as the TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER enters from the inside of the temple. She is dressed in an elaborate Maya-style costume.)
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: You have come to the wrong place, man. Speak your business or die!
DANNY: Finally, someone who speaks English! Your Elderness, I am the adventurer, archaeologist, heartthrob Danny Stone. I am also legally obligated to tell you that I am a one-time sex offender; however, I promise you I was framed. (Aside) I did not have sexual relations with that woman!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: I care little as who you are. What are you here for, in my domain?
DANNY: I am here on a mission to obtain the Golden Otatop.
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: How dare you speak the name of our god in this mortal realm. Oh, blessed Otatop! Forgive us for hearing your holy name!
JULIET: They realize that the Otatop is a gold-painted potato, right?
SABRINA: Do you want to die? Shut up!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: To pay for your trespass, the holy Otatop demands a sacrifice!
DANNY: (Aside) Where’s that oaf Borcha when you need it? (Aloud) Oh, your holy Elderness, please, allow me to see your idol and hold it in my hand, and you shall kill me.
SABRINA: Danny, that’ll never work.
JULIET: Yeah!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: Very well.
SABRINA and JULIET: How?!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: You may touch our idol, but expect a knife in the back once you are satisfied.
DANNY: (To himself) Oh, believe me, I’m never satisfied. (Aloud) Alright, Elderface.
(DANNY walks up to the shelf and sees the golden monkey face. A spray-painted golden arm appears from the side and holds a thumbs up gesture. JIMBO winks elaborately)
DANNY: Jimbo! / You genius!
(JIMBO stands up on center stage. He holds the Otatop in the air)
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: The statue lives! This // must be our / god! Oh, / praise be to Otatop!
(The natives bow down to the monkey. JIMBO makes monkey noises)
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: My lord, /// I can’t understand you. Oh, / if only we had a translator.
(JIMBO nudges DANNY on the shoulder)
DANNY: I can translate for you!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: You speak / the language / of the gods?
DANNY: Uh ///// yeah.
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: Thank Otatop!
(JIMBO makes monkey noises)
DANNY: He says he wishes for you / to // let us go.
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: If // if it is what he wishes…
DANNY: And for us // to leave with the Otatop.
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: Is that true?
DANNY: He wishes for you to be progressive and forget the idols.
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: If it is what he wishes. Who am I to say anything against Otatop.
DANNY: Exactly so!
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: Then leave. Begone! And may Otatop bless you.
(The natives unlock the chains of SABRINA and JULIET. The four adventurers exit stage left. BORCHA enters stage right.)
BORCHA: Where did everyone go?
TAPUKUTUHIAN ELDER: Oh, this must be Torrac, our other god! Blessed be your name!
(The natives bow down and worship BORCHA)
BORCHA: What is going on?
(Lights fade out)
Scene 7:
(Lights fade in to PROFESSOR K reading a book. DANNY STONE enters from stage left.)
DANNY: Here it is, Professor K. The Golden Otatop of Tapukutukukutuhu.
PROFESSOR K: Splendid, Danny! I never doubted you for a second!
DANNY: You were right to choose me. I hope the exhibit thrives now that I have brought you the idol.
PROFESSOR K: I am sure the exhibit will go over well. The Otatop is, of course, merely a potato in gold foil. (He unwraps the idol to reveal a baked potato)
DANNY: You mean I went on an adventure for a baked potato?
PROFESSOR K: My newest exhibit in the Kienbaum Museum has a buffet. Thank you, Danny.
(Lights fade out and come back on to reveal JIMBO, side by side with SABRINA and JULIET)
JIMBO: *monkey noises*
JULIET: (flirtatious) Oh, Jimbo, you’re so funny.
SABRINA: Tell us another joke!
(Lights fade out.)