porch notes
a porch swallow,
we meet at the door
out of rain
There's a lot going on in this haiku [see May 12, 2012]. In the dream it delivers, the 3-D vignette (in MA, the 'dream space'). Although on the surface it has minimal bling textually. In other words, this haiku doesn't read 'clever'. It's that L3 that seems suspect?
For me the inner-scenario is of the rain falling, a swallow and myself making a dash for shelter, meeting each other head on, in a flash. Of course, the swallow did a quick aeronautical whizz-away (amazing, as always, to see). However, the haiku moment holds in perpetual replay (tape-loop) of encounter. The sound of falling rain adds to the dramatic tension of that repeated split-second.
L3, though, is looking for evolution?
Until it evolves (if indeed it needs to, or can) then I'm currently stumped. Inside the ku is fine. Outside delivers, but not well enough - maybe. Still, let's see if anyone can suggest an improvement -- which is why I posted a 'work in progress' here at Haiku Workshop.
It's very Imagist biased, there's no great depth to it other than that brief encounter. Maybe another new version of the experience will come to mind in haiku form. For the memory is certainly a keeper. And yes, both the porch swallow and myself nearly jumped out of our wrappers! :))
OPTIONS AS THEY COME TO MIND
porch swallow!
we meet at the door
in the rain
more musical. the = x2. do we sacrifice musicality for the the x1 only? certainly reads
better and with less obstruction to getting into the dream between the lines (in MA).
jp 13-05-12
NOTE
Swallow = summer seasonal reference, here in Northern Europe
---> maybe even nearly a full-blown kigo!)
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