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He wired it up backwards, ‘on purpose’ some said.
He claimed “It’s not working” and went back to bed.
Mary Christmas called Tinkler to ask what to do
and Tinks said “hang in there. I’ll come and show you.”
So Tinks grabbed our Lindsay and Neville as well
And asked them to help with the coal-loading belt.
It didn’t take long to find what was wrong
With engineer brain and technician along.
‘Twas the week before Christmas and all round the Pole
The elves had stopped working and gone on the dole.
Santa had toothache, two reindeer were lame
Some sleigh parts were broken – new bits never came.
So he composed an email to go far and wide
“Christmas is cancelled – my brain’s just too tired
To deal with the problems it brings me each year,
So Rudolph and I will kick back with a beer.
He took his big boots off to set his feet free
The smell put three reindeer to sleep for a week!
The elves ran for cover, Mary Christmas as well
For truly, they never had smelled such a smell.
Rudolph turned green, his nose did as well.
Mrs Claus sprayed some freshener to deaden the smell.
The trees at the pole all turned withered and brown
And the snow melted quickly for five miles around.
But the letters kept coming by snail mail and fax
As the kids all asked Santa for stuff that they lacked.
They sent in their emails from laptop and iPad
In high hopes that Santa had room in his bag.
Mrs Claus and Rudolph and two kindly elves
Decided to do the whole thing by themselves.
They glued and they tacked and wrapped things up well,
Some other elves helped – to get away from the smell.
Just three days to Christmas and all was a mess.
Whether Santa would travel was anyone’s guess.
The panic was on but the elves didn’t care
They’d found Santa’s beer hidden under his chair.
They drank all his beer and began on the wine.
They couldn’t walk straight, much less form a line
To pack up the sleigh. O what could he do?
Old Santa came up with a thought that was new!
He called Nathan Tinkler from Newcastle town
To see if a coal-loading belt could be found.
Tinks had a spare one so sent it on through
But without the instructions what could Santa do?
While Nathan and Santa sat down with a beer
Our Lindsay and Neville soon had the fault clear.
They fixed it all up then the elves had a go
At riding the belt and dropping into the snow.
They lined the belt up between workshop and sleigh
It just might be ready before Christmas Day.
With Lindsay and Neville to manage the line
The belt finally seemed to be working just fine.
Then the elves staged a protest to get better pay
So Santa said “That’s it. It’s near Christmas Day!
You’ve pinched all my beer, and drank all my wine
So get yourselves out to the loading up line.
I’ll pay you no more – you might all get the sack
If Christmas Eve comes and that sleigh’s not all packed.”
So the elves got real busy and loaded the belt
But hid all the labels up high on a shelf.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round the pole
The elves worked real hard since they’d gone off the dole.
The sleigh was all loaded so Santa climbed on.
The elves looked quite sheepish, just wanted him gone.
He kicked off the footbrake, the reindeer rose high
And the sleigh soared off up in the clear Christmas sky.
When he got to the first house and found what they’d done
He vowed that he’d find them and fire every one.
But he dipped in his sack and filled each stocking up
And what any kid got was a case of pot luck.
Nobody got what they’d asked him to bring
‘Cause Santa just couldn’t remember a thing.
There were trucks for some girls and dolls for some boys
And others got handfuls of small baby toys.
While babies got iPads and iPhones and such.
The parents were puzzled but couldn’t say much.
But back at the pole, they all started to wonder
As Santa flew home – his mood black as thunder.
The elves ran and hid, their feet hastened by fear
Hoping Santa would forget their sins by next year.
With Santa so cranky and his eyes sparking fire
The elves thought his whiskers would surely catch fire.
But Tinks, Nev and Lindsay soon had him calmed down
When he took them back home to Newcastle town.
It was all back to normal back home at the pole
He fired all the elves who went back on the dole.
Rudolph retired and said “life’s now all right,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!
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