Beauty and the Beast

Leech: Hey you! Yes, you beautiful. I’m talking to you, Madam Butterfly. Look, there is an old biddy and her mate walking along the track. You are such a gorgeous creature. You would look so good in a photograph. You are stunningly photogenic. Such poise, such delicacy. Want your photo taken? See, they are carrying cameras. If you play your cards right, they are sure to take your photo.

Butterfly: Really! Do you think so? That would be so nice. I know that I’m colourful and shapely. In fact, one could say I’m the perfect model. If you don’t mind me saying you are not much to look at. Not really photographic material. They won’t stop for you. Unfortunately, you are quite an uninteresting and unpleasantly rude character, really.

Leech: I don’t care how rude I am. I’m not interested in photos or how I look. I’m only interested in food.

Butterfly: Well, I’m only interested in my beauty and how attractive I am. You see, I’ve just emerged from my cocoon this morning.

Leech: Yeah. I can see just how vain you are. But listen. I’m after a feed and you are after a photo shoot so let’s join forces now and we’ll both achieve our goals.

Butterfly: What…., you getting a feed? What has that got to do with me?

Leech: Goodness me! You butterflies are an obtuse lot.

Butterfly: What did you say? ‘An ob… what?

Leech: I said ‘you butterflies are an obliging lot.’

Butterfly: That’s very true. We are very helpful creatures of the bush. I help pollinate flowers, you know. How are you helpful or useful? What is your purpose in the bush? You certainly don’t enhance the bush with your beauty. You’re only scary and slimy. Frightening, in fact.

Leech: Enough of that frightening business and I’m not into all that beauty stuff However, you can be very helpful to me right now. OK? Now listen, I have a plan. I want you to attract the old biddy’s attention. Flit around a bit, tease her a little by sitting still for a few second and then flit closer and closer towards me. Land on a leaf and keep very still until I can reach her. Keep the old biddy’s attention on you and her photography. You have a very important part to play here.

Butterfly: Yes I can do that but how is that getting you a feed.

Leech: Well, once you get her closer to me I can loopy loop my way over and latch onto her leg for a nice feed of warm sticky blood.

Butterfly: BLOOD! I’m not interested in blood. In fact, the thought of blood makes me feel quite dizzy.

Leech: Just concentrate on your part of the bargain and look the other way. Don’t even think of blood. Besides, you won’t see a thing! You want your photograph taken, don’t you? You are the one with the beauty and I’m the one with the brains.

Butterfly: What do you mean? You are ‘the one with the br….’

Leech: I said, ‘I’m the one with the brawn.’ You know – muscles.

Butterfly: I know that you are a hollow muscular tube and, into the bargain as I’ve said before, not a very pretty sight at all.

Leech: I belong to the worm family if that is any consolation to you. Worms, you know, or maybe you don’t, are very useful to the environment. That’s all I’m saying on the subject. Now back to the plan. They are nearly here. Do you understand what I’ve told you?

Butterfly: Of course I do. I belong to the insect family which is of a higher order than you. One can only imagine that I would have more intelligence than you.

Leech: Let’s not get into that argument now. Just stick to our plan and we’ll both win out.

Butterfly: OK. Here they come. How do I look? Are my wings in the shade or sunlight? Are my antennae held upright? Do I flit like a ballet dancer- graceful and elegant? Are the colours on my wings showing to my advantage against the green of the leaves? Do I look pretty …because I feel very attractive? I do hope the old biddy manages to gets me in focus. I only want the very best photos to be taken. My reputation is at stake here.

Leech: Look, stop your gas bagging. Just start flitting around their heads and for goodness sake, remember that the aim of the game is to get them over towards me.

Butterfly: I find it very hard to stay still for very long, you know. It’s part of my nature. I just love flitting. An irresistible urge, you might say.

Leech: Just do your best, my dear. Yes, aim for that fern because I’ll be under it.

Butterfly: How am I going? Oh! Good. I think that I’ve caught the attention of the old biddy. I’ll flit some more. Here I come. I’ll spread my wings out here and just give a little flutter. How is this pose?

Leech: OK. OK. Don’t stay too long there. Start making your way towards me. Concentrate, will you, Madam Butterfly? We don’t want her losing attention. Get her over here quickly.

Butterfly: I’m doing my best, you know.

Leech: Oh dear! Heaven help me, a distraction. Will you listen to that long thin one? Going on and on about how to take a photo. I wish he’d stop. He’s only making the short dumpy one nervous. He’s stopped now thank goodness.. Now, let’s get down to the business at hand. Make sure you stay long enough in one place to get her taking photos and then just ease her over toward me and Bob’s your uncle.

Butterfly: What ever are you talking about? I don’t have an Uncle Bob! I just want my photo to be taken and you want a feed.

Leech: Just a saying. Just a saying. You silly butterfly.

Butterfly: What did you say ‘you ss…..’

Leech: I said, ‘a sweet butterfly’. I don’t want to argue with you all the time. Let’s work together. Yes I want a feed and I want it now.

Butterfly: I’m sick of staying on this branch. I need to flit around amongst the trees and bushes.

Leech: Stretch your wings if you must but only for a short while, then come down to rest on this fern again. I’m here waiting and my gastric juices are working overtime.

Butterfly: Is this the right fern leaf? I’ll rest for a moment or two. Oh… look. She is moving over to get that perfect photograph. I’ll draw my wings together to give her a chance to photograph me in a different pose. Will that do?

Leech: Just perfect. I’ve just latched onto her boot. I’ll soon make my way up onto her leg and in a few moments, I’ll have my feed. Thank you, my dreary.

Butterfly: What did you say ‘my dd….’

Leech: I said ‘thank you my deary.’

Butterfly: I think that you have been rather rude to me.

Leech: Well maybe I have and maybe I haven’t. But listen, we all are winners here, you see. You’ve had your moment of glory and fame and shortly, I’ll have my feed. The old biddy will be a winner too. From this little encounter with us, she’ll have two legacies. A photograph or two of you and, from me, an itch that will last for a week. Goodbye Madam Butterfly and thankyou.

Butterfly: I’m flitting off now to find a flower with lots of nectar to sip. I’m quite worn out from all this modelling. Have to keep up my energy levels to maintain my beauty. Who knows who else I may attract. So, goodbye to you, Mister Leech, you are a beast of a bad bunch.

Leech: What’s that you said ‘you are a bb…’

Butterfly: I said “You are the best and it’s time for your lunch’.

One minute, there is an author’s postscript: This a true story recorded word for word. I have the proof. I have the photos and the itch.