LOKI

I am a five months old labradoodle. I’m staying with my grandparents for a few weeks. Granny is lovable but Grandpa is grumpy and lacks any sense of humour especially when I’m around. He loses his temper, calls me names and stifles any enjoyment of life when, really, I’m a fun loving, intelligent dog. I try to be helpful at all times….for example, I clean the kitchen floor whenever Granny is cooking. But, when Gramps is around trouble is always on the simmer, ready to boil anytime.

The other day while Gramps was hanging out the washing, my sniffing led me to a hole in the fence and I happened to find myself wandering in the bush. The trails of the night wandering possums, the skinny black dog that lives down the road and the sneaky cat from next door, are so enticing to me. When he finally missed me, he yelled, “Come back, you flea bag”. As he chased me, I thought ‘This is fun, he wants to play,’ and I gave him a look that said ‘You can’t catch me’. I darted here and there while gramps darted there and here. I was having a great time when the old grump soon tired of the game. After calling me “a stupid mongrel”, he walked inside. ‘What a spoil’-sport!’ I thought as I followed him inside. His face was the colour of puce as he told granny about my little escapade. ‘Was it my fault that there was a hole in the fence?’

I really do want to be his friend but, whenever I lick his face, all he can say is “go away you stinking polecat”. The other day he was reading in his favourite chair on the back veranda when I decided to settle down for a snooze by his feet. “Good dog” he said. You can imagine how great I felt hearing that. As I was about to close my eyes, I noticed that he was wearing shoes with the longest laces that I have ever seen. Now, I have a passion for chewing laces and those laces were irresistible. I chewed and chewed until they were a shapeless, salivary mess. What bliss! You have no idea of my contentment until…..suddenly, all hell broke loose. ‘How was I to know he was wearing new shoes?’

Well, while I’m around, you won’t find magpies lurking in the back yard, or the lazy cat from next door sunbaking by the pool or even the Eastern Water Dragon poking his nose where it is not wanted. I bark my loudest and longest whenever I can, especially when an intruder calls. Why, only the other day, someone rang the doorbell to which I reacted immediately. Poor old gramps is not so quick to answer the door these days and I got to the door first - jumping up and down almost knocking him over as he tried to open the door. A few angry words were spoken as I crazily barked in my protective role. He lunged towards me as he opened the door but I was too quick for him and scooted outside. Well, the fun was on again and it was left to Granny to play ‘chasies’ and bring me back inside. ‘How was I to know that they were expecting visitors?’

I love my early morning walks with Gramps. Nevertheless, there is a certain ritual we perform as we prepare for our walk. I get very excited at the thought and dart around the house. After a lot of huffing and puffing, and a few chosen words, Grandpa finally catches me. Now, I ask you, how hard is it to put a harness on a dog? Gramps treats the harness like a jigsaw puzzle. This bit goes here. No, this bit goes there. He tries it on back to front then upside down. Well, I just cannot tolerate his ineptness. When he finally gets my right front leg into the harness, I bide my time to quickly pull it out as he tries to fasten the buckle. “You do it, Granny I can’t be bothered with this silly mutt”. With my slobbery tongue hanging out, I smile and think, ‘who is the silly mutt now?’

Grandpa takes the lead and we head for the road. I like to bite and pull the lead as we walk. “Cut that out”, he growls. I decide that sniffing is better. “No sniffing”, he shouts. He certainly knows how to ruin a dog’s walk. As I trot along one side of him, I detect an alluring odour just in front and towards the left so I neatly sidestep in front of him. He stumbles and nearly falls and calls me “Stupid idiot”. Now I happen to know that those uncouth words are totally banned in our family so I just ignore him and again, side step to the other side. Again, he stumbles. As he bad mouths me, I looked shamelessly towards him and think ‘who is the stupid idiot now?’

Now I have to tell you about my final downfall. The last day of my stay had arrived and all was peaceful and quiet. I decided to walk into the dining room for what reason I don’t know but an exciting idea popped into my head. Why had I not thought of it before? I sniffed at the lace curtains, a bit dusty but that didn’t matter. I sunk my teeth into the scalloped lace and began to pull and swing. It was the best game ever until, yes, you guessed it, Gramps appeared. His eyes began to bulge, his hair stood straight up and his face turned purple. He could barely get a word out and I knew the outcome would not be good for me. Like a brave soldier, I weathered my punishment and, in disgrace, I consoled myself with the thought, ‘was it my fault…. the devil made me do it.’