EI for Young Adults: Discussion 8

All parents attention is on them. While before the younger sibling could mind their own business, now they are in the spotlight
Nobody to talk to. A friend is no longer behind the door. It hurts, missing the older sibling
A need to decide. It was always a decision of several people, now you have to know what you want, nobody else will have a preference

It is like a withdrawal from addiction. Any attachment is addiction and of course we are attached, used to our older siblings being there

How to present yourself

Talk about yourself in an interview setting is an important skill of emotional intelligence.

What does the interviewer want to know, in terms of my personality?

whether they would like to be around me (this is probably the main criteria, although very subjective)
whether they can rely on me
whether I have good social skills
whether I have leadership skills (See "leader" section)
whether I am a team player (See "team player" section)

You can memorize how to present yourself in a positive light, however it is better if you use specific examples from your life pointing to the traits above. For example, when my teammate became really anxious because they didn't sleep the night before I made sure to comfort them, creating a safe space and saying that I was there for them, and I get how concerned they may be about the upcoming performance. This made my teammate feel better, they quiet down and our performance went great.

Also, sense of humor is an awesome trait. People want to be around people who are funny. For example, describing leadership you can say: a good leader is able to respectfully show others that they are wrong and is great at delegating things so they can relax and watch youtube. NOTE: this is dangerous. You need to feel the water and make sure people get your jokes before you try that.

Don't underestimate humor. It allows people to be at ease, it removes defenses, it can bring a smile into situations where everybody wants to cry.

A team player

We are social creatures, we belong to families, communities, teams. So being a team player is important. But what does it entail?

Supporting teammates when they are in distress / anxious

Why is it important?
If one person is unable to participate the whole team may suffer.
To support them, talk to them, create a safe space, provide comfort. If they are nervous, provide reassurance. If they are injured, comfort them.

Being cooperative

Sometimes our own interests collide with the interest of the team. Being a good team player means doing what's good for the team, putting greater good before your own. However there is a fine line - if I sacrifice my needs, if I am agreeable, I may lose my personality, my values, I may fall into a peer pressure. So what do I do? There is no one rule. It's always about finding a balance between your own needs and the needs of others. Ideally it's about aligning your needs with the needs of the team.

Team diversity

Having a unique perspective is a plus, not a minus. A team made of uniform like-minded people usually is less creative and effective than diversified team. That's why diversity is such a high topic in companies now. This is something that people recognized fairly recently, before that they thought that uniformity is a strength.

Leader

Qualities of a good leader

Represents beliefs of a team

Able to look at the situation, stays composed
Responsible for everyone, goes down with the ship
Is a good listener, Main person who is going to make the final call. Responsible for putting their beliefs aside for the representation of a team. Can listen to every person and make educated decision
Respects needs of others and does what's good for the team
Knows when to make an executive decision
Motivates, inspires and empowers others
Aligns their personal values with the values of the team
Doesn't let emotions cloud their judgement
Likable
Has courage
Has empathy
Able to delegating

Qualities of a bad leader

Looks down on subordinates, doesn't treat them as equals
Wants to control everything
Uses team to achieve their own goals
Impulsive, and not rational
Doesn’t listen to other people, still chooses their own ideas
Doubting themselves - this may be a good quality or bad quality. It is important to check yourself. But then you don't want to second guess and being self conscious if you are a leader

Discussing situations

Confronting a roommate who doesn't wash dishes

The conversation may start like this:

"Our agreement was that we all share this responsibility, what can you do to make sure this happens?"
"Sure, I'll do it, sorry"

But then, if the same conversation keeps happening over and over, what do you do?

Motivation

"What do you need me to do in order to help motivate you to clean the dishes?"

Understand needs

"Why do you not do it? Is it because you don't like it?"
"It's just really boring"

Now that you know that one needs more entertainment or fun, you can help address that need:

"Would you like me to stay with you while you wash and we can talk about something?"

There is always a questions, am I creating a good habit or a bad habit for the other person?

Do I train them to get used to washing dishes or to use my company while washing dishes?

Biases

I know that every person should be allowed to express their gender preferences the way they want, for example, women don't need to shave their legs, but when I see a woman with unshaved legs I am repulsed and I am confused why do I feel this way?

Our values and respect for people to do whatever they want with their body is a fairy recent thing, and for such long time we've been around the society belief that women should be "feminine" by shaving their legs that this belief got instilled in us, we have an unconscious bias that prevents us from being objective or rational about it.

The way to deal with biases is

Recognize them
Continuously expose yourself to the new belief, to "rewire" your brain from the old belief towards the new one

Humor and Authenticity

Some people are always joking. They may use humor as a strategy and protection from being vulnerable. Then there is a question: if someone is always using humor and not being serious, are they able to have serious conversations, to be authentic and vulnerable, to have really good friends?

If humor is a strategy when one doesn't feel safe, it doesn't mean they never feel safe. Maybe they need time or right environment to let go off their guards and become authentic and vulnerable.

On the other hand, if someone is always serious and authentic and vulnerable, it makes all conversations too serious and not fun.

The best approach is to find the good balance between humor and authenticity

Motivation

What motivates you? Here are some suggestions

Having somebody know what you are up to, be there for you, supporting you.
Personal accountability doesn’t work. Having another person be aware that I am doing is really helpful, even better if they can hold you accountable
Thinking about the benefits, why I want it, or what someone else could get out of what I am doing?
Seeing the bigger picture. Often we lose the bigger picture and get distracted smaller pleasures.
Gamification, making it fun
Reward system

Tips for emotional intelligence

(Thanks Lada)

These are some tips how to increase your emotional intelligence:

Observing what people are saying, their body language and interpreting what it means
Years of miscommunication and trying to interpret people and getting it wrong
Getting feedback from people:
- Can you tell me how you are feeling right now? This is how I see it… (express it as your subjective opinion vs judgement like "you look sad", vs. "It seems to me that you are sad, is it so?")
- Admitting if you got it wrong and misinterpreted. Allow yourself to make mistakes and express them.
Sharing your own feelings, being vulnerable
Listening and creating a comfortable and safe space. Asking questions.

What to do in case of disagreements

The problem with disagreements is that I want to prove that I am right. You have to realize that the other person is coming from the same perspective and if you start attacking them they will also want to prove that they are right. It’s very important to let the other person speak first, even though it's uncomfortable. Just letting them speak will provide that piece of information that you need. You can understand where they are coming from instead of arguing with them. Then you can express your feelings and needs.
Miscommunication happens from not understanding the person’s intentions.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Don't forget to play the Uncomfortable game!
Bring your situations to the next class

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