EI for Young Adults: Discussion 2
Experiencing our feelings
Visualize a situation and experience emotions. How do you what emotions you feel? Is this through your body? Through your actions? Through your thoughts?
Your best friend is leaving to another country
You made it (to the team, work, college, date)
How do we ask someone about their feelings?
"How did it make you feel" may land the wrong way because it sounds like therapy.
What are the alternatives?
"I am curious what was it like for you to hear my words?"
"I know that what I said might have made you feel shitty, but I want to hear from you to clarify what it is that you are experiencing"
Discussing situations that happened last week
Motivating someone to do their best during volleyball game.
"Just do your best and I'll do my best"
What need was being fulfilled? (e.g. reassurance, peace of mind)
Leaving a play where friend was performing and telling them that you were bored
Sometimes we are afraid to hurt another person and we sacrifice our own interests (e.g. sit through the play), it may be better for you and your friend to be straight with them, to express that you care about them AND you have a need for fun which was not being met by staying and watching a boring play.
Being late because you were dependent on your friend who was late
It is important to not see your self as a victim (not having control of the situation). Because we are powerless when we think we are victims. We can request another person to be on time by letting them understand that being reliable is important to you. We can also understand that the other person needs to be trusted.
Requests
Requests are part of communication, along with expressing our needs and feelings.
Five criteria of effective requests:
Positive action “Stop picking your nose!” -> "Can you please find a better location for your finger?"
Specific action "I want you to love me" -> "I want to hear from you that you love me"
Includes description of feelings and needs "Go wash dishes" -> I am stressed out because order is important to me, can you please wash the dishes?
Creates a possibility of a choice. We know if there is a possibility for choice by seeing the reaction. If we get really upset when hearing a no, there was no really a possibility for choice.
Gratitude . Having a gratitude for considering our requests, not necessarily for fulfilling it.
Strategy
Our request is only one of the strategies for meeting our needs. Getting a no means our strategy didn't work, and it's time to look for other strategy for meeting our needs.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Notice your feelings. How do you know that you feel what you feel?
Notice requests in your life - the ones you make or the ones made by other people. What is missing in these requests?
Come to the next class with an example of communication from your past week that you would like to discuss.