EI for Young Adults: Discussion 14
Discussing situations
Can I please get paid for my work?
I have to keep reminding my boss to pay me, she's been dragging with it for a few weeks.
It's uncomfortable to have this conversation with you manager, but what you want to remember is that you are doing it not just to get paid but to prevent this situation from in the future. It's about your own peace of mind.
This awkwardness comes from the fear that my boss may feel guilty. But it's not my fault if they do feel guilty.
Example of a conversation:
"I would like to ask you when you are going to pay me. I feel weird having to remind you to do it, I don't think it's my responsibility. I'd like to request that you pay me as agreed without me having to tell you next time. It's important to me because otherwise I keep stressing out about it and feeling uncomfortable around you because I keep thinking when I am going to get paid"
Request. Notice how request is clear, in positive terms and has feelings and needs.
We are going to be roommates next year, right?
My friend thinks that I agreed that he will move in with my roommates next year but I don't really want him to move in. How do I have this conversation with him?
A: "I am really sorry I made it unclear and gave you this expectations, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and didn’t want to say No flat out, but I really want to be honest."
B: Damn
A: But you should come by and visit.
B feels: Distraught, optionless.
B needs: housing
A feels: Guilty,
A needs: to set boundary
Prior to the conversation B was expecting to fulfill his need for housing through me. But now they want to realize that it was just one of the strategies and they can start exploring other strategies.
Why do I want to have this conversation?
Feeling bad for the friend is less nagative than the resentment I’d have if I didn’t keep my boundary. Also, if I care about my friend I want him to soon as soon as possible that living with me is not an option so they can take care of their housing.
Constructive criticism
My classmate approached me and told me that I use "like" too much. Now I am very self conscious about it when I talk. On the one hand I appreciate their suggestion, on the other hand where is the line where it becomes offensive?
When do we want to provide constructive criticism and when we should not?
The rule of thumb: if it's something thats easy to change for the other person. If it doesn't involve their traits, qualities, personality or the way they look. You should also be someone who the other person trusts. The more they trust you the more you can say. For example "you could really use deodorant" is okay to hear from your friend, but you don't want to hear that from your stranger, although it may be as motivating to start using it. The reason trust is important is because it means the person has good intentions for you, they are not doing it in order to put you down.
Using humor also helps, (assuming you have sufficient trust with the other person). When a person can laugh at something it means they are no longer identifying themselves with it. But it's tricky because the person doesn't want to feel like being laughed at.
Choice
How do we make a choice? How d owe decide?
There are several ways to do it:
Use rational thinking - pros and cons
Reactive decision. For example, if something makes me uncomfortable I may choose to do something that will make me less comfortable. I impulsively go look for lesser evil
Intuition. Relying on gut feeling that already may account for various pros and cons.
Talk to a friend. Find somebody objective who can listen to you and tell you what they think.
When we choose we imagine different scenarios, as well as how these scenarios would play out with other people, we imagine different ways they would respond. In a way there is an exponential growth of possibilities when we start imagining them, and this can be quite overwhelming and prevent us from choosing anything.
Sometimes the best scenario is not obvious so we keep reiterating over them again and again.
The following are important consideration when making a choice
Importance.
If the choice doesn't lead to anything significant I don't have to worry about not making a good choice, I can go with whatever. However when stakes are high it gets much harder because we are afraid to lose more.
Time
Sometimes having no time left for making a choice will force me to make a choice instead of dragging with it forever.
Restricting choices
Limiting yourself in your choices may be a productive strategy to avoid overwhelm.
Conflicting Needs
Often we are struggling to choose because of conflicting needs. One part wants one thing and another part wants another thing. What helps is to identify these two parts and their needs and imagine a role play between them, Empathizing, validating their feelings and needs. This may also help to come up with out of the box solutions, instead of ending up doing something that benefits only one part, while the other part would suffer.