EI for Young Adults: Discussion 32

Broken heart

I had an amazing friend who I felt deeply connected to.  Then something happened that made me realize that I can't have this person as a friend anymore. It's been a very heartbreaking experience for me, going between reaching out to get closure and blocking them on the internet.

It's a really painful experience to lose the deeply meaningful relationship with a person who you used to care about.  A part of us that was thriving and happy is devastated and screams in pain, constantly being reminded of the connection it once had. 

There is no easy way to stop hurting. And perhaps there is a need to experience the pain and to grieve at this time. We all go through our own paths in life and perhaps this is the path that is important for us to go through.

There are some things that may be relevant to this experience

Closure

The experience of breaking up leaves us confused. Our model of the world with this person being our best friend is incompatible with the current model. The behaviors or responses of our "friend" are incompatible with our understanding of how a true friend should behave. The congitive dissonance is painful, we need explanation, understanding, peace of mind. That's why having closure is very important. Sometimes we think that closure will happen as a result of talking to a person, but what we really are trying to do is to create a coherent model in our mind that would make sense of our experiences. 

So it's important to remember that expecting the conversation to give you a sense of closure may or may not work, and there are other ways to get closure. People get closure even with people who passed away, it's all in our mind.

Pursuer and Withdrawer dynamics

If you are someone who really needs to understand what happen, if you are suffering being in the unknown and in the state of confusion, if you need answers from the other person, consider that you are playing a role of a pursuer. The worst thing for a pursuer is to be alone, and they try to engage the other person by any means, because even a fight is better than being alone. 

If you are someone who gets overwhelmed by demands, by questions you can't answer, if you can't handle being made wrong or blamed, if you find your comfort in avoiding the painful conversations you are playing a role of a withdrawer. The worst thing for a withdrawer is confrontation, so they try to avoid it by any means, by staying away from it all, by going into their comfortable shell.

The dynamics between pursuer and withdrawer is unhealthy. The pursuer demands the answers and this makes the withdrawer to withdraw and triggers the pursuer even more. To change this dynamics it's important for the withdrawer to give space to the pursuer (yes, it's against their nature to do so, so it's really hard). and it's important for the withdrawer to engage (yes, it's painful). In other words, somebody needs to give up their principles or needs in order to break the cycle.

(see more about pursuer and withdrawer here)

Coping strategies

There are many ways to cope with heartbreak. Some may work for you and some may not. Here are some suggestions:

Move to a different reality. The reality of broken heart is one of many realities. Find a way to step into other realities, other priorities other values. You may call it a distraction, or you may call it attending to your other needs and priorities.

Schedule time for grief. Instead of being pulled by your emotions at any time, schedule designated time to experience your pain. Go into this space, allow yourself to experience it fully, and then when the time is up, leave it.

Let your frustration out. Explore rage rooms, Screaming into a pillow. Screaming really loud when nobody is around, ranting to yourself. 

Change perspective. Find ways to empower yourself given your situation. What lessons can I learn, how is this a beautiful thing to experience what you experience, what kind of person will you make you, going through this experience, how you can be much more compassionate now to what people are going through, etc.

Journal. Write down all the things you wouldn't even say to yourself. Know that nobody will read it (even you) Put all your insides on a page. Use voice recordings if you think much faster than you write.

Draw / collage. Sometimes words are not the write medium to express or process our experiences. Use your other part of the brain, the imagery, Draw how you feel, how your emotions show up in your body. Collage your experience.

Physical movement. We can also process our experiences through our body, be it a physical movement, running, dancing or backbends, to let your stuck emotions out

Notice funny. Notice funny and absurd things around you that would make you laugh.  Once you start seeing your life as everything is funny, you get so much happier.