EI for Young Adults: Discussion 4
Warmup: what's in your space?
Before doing an activity, it's nice to reset. We do that by acknowledging what is in our space, so we don't have to carry it into the activity. It may also bring up topic for further discussion or useful insights like social impact of a physical injury or questions about dating
Discussing situations that happened last week
A quarrel on a bus
When there are people who are arguing, it's not just about these people, it's about the person who is impacted by it and brings it up. Because it's important to understand your own reaction to what's happening, your own feelings and needs (for example, I am feeling angry because I need fairness when I see people arguing on the bus)
A sprained ankle
A girl sprained her ankle and her dad went to her mom to ask if she had an ankle support. She said no, and the dad continued looking for it, but he didn't tell her that it's her daughter who was injured. Later the mom was really upset that the husband didn't tell her. (there were several dozen kids around, so it could be anyone)
Mother felt angry and upset because her need for inclusion was not met. She is the primary caretaker and has to be informed when her family is in trouble
Dad felt guilty for not telling her but at the time this happened perhaps there was a need for independence that was met by not telling her. He wanted to matter :)
Practice experiencing emotions
What emotion do you experience when the following situation happens?
How do you experience it? (pay attention to your body, your thoughts, your actions)
Eager / Excited / Helpful
A cute or handsome person drops a folder and all papers spread. And the person looks hopeless
Pressured / Shocked
A teacher or professor sends email in all capitals. “THIS HOMEWORK HAS TO BE SUBMITTED BY 10PM. If I don’t get it you will fail the class”
Exposed / Embarrassed / Excluded
You wrote a love letter to someone and dropped it. Your teacher or professor picks it up and reads aloud to the whole class
Conflicted
Sometimes we are conflicted about something. What it means is that there are two parts that have different needs and they may not go well together. In case we notice we are conflicted, for example we feel stuck about making a decision or about doing or not doing something here are the steps:
Identify two parts that have two different needs. It may help to think of them as two separate people feeling emotions and having needs.
Validate these two parts. No matter how silly or inappropriate one part may sound, it has a need and it's valid. Make these two parts feel like they are being heard and understood.
Resolve a conflict
Think outside of the box: What can you do to satisfy both needs that you haven't quite thought of before?
Prioritize: which one is more important AT THE TIME, keeping in mind the other part and promising to address its need at some point as well.
Homework: notice when you are conflicted and try to identify the two parts and their needs
Examples of being conflicted
Should I tell parents who are traveling that I am sick?
There is a part that wants to tell because it needs safety and trust. On the other hand there is a part that needs contribution (to parents having a good time), and doesn't want to tell because it will mess up their vacation. At the end safety became a higher priority.
Should I get a tattoo?
I want to get a tattoo because it represents something important for me (a need for meaning, centeredness). At the same time I am not sure it's the priority (a need for space / time?) At the end it was decided that the tattoo can wait, there is no rush.
Friendship or more?
Sometimes there are two good friends and one may have feelings for the other friend and may wonder if their friendship may turn into a relationship. However it's risky to bring this up because it may impact the friendship.
In a sense a person is conflicted: the need for friendship wants them to be quiet about their feelings and the need for love and intimacy wants them to explore.
What do you do?
Do nothing. Bite the bullet and don't risk your friendship
Look at the cues / body language. Don't rely on text. Try to guess if the other person has feelings as well
Have a mature conversation, for example (Thanks Sasha and Taly!)
"Hi Friend. I have feelings towards you. I don't know if you reciprocate, so I am taking a big risk here. The worst thing would be to lose your friendship, so I am ready to take whatever way you feel or don't feel about me. I am telling you this because I want to be honest about how I feel. And I appreciate you being honest with me about whether we want to stay friends or move forward"
"Hi Friend. Thanks for telling me. ..."
Scenario 1: "I also have feelings for you, but I never said anything, but now that I know how you feel I can tell you as well" (Ta-dam)
Scenario 2: "I am surprised by your words. I never realized you have feelings for me. I value you as a friend. I just don't reciprocate and I am sorry. But I'd like to continue our friendship"
Impact of a conversation
There is an impact to the second person to hear that the first one has feelings for them. From now on they will view their friend differently, it will be in the space. For example they may over analyze why their friend looks at them the way they do, or what their hug means, etc. So conversations like these, as great as they sound may leave their mark on the friendship.
Bestie
What do you do if your friend sees you as bestie but you are attracted to them? It may be very hard because you are conflicted between being the best friend and wanting more. When I am the bestie for someone, are all doors closed for me, or there is a possibility for more?
Manipulation
What communication do we consider as manipulation? Here are some suggestions:
Victimizing. Blaming and accusing others while pitying yourself. Overdramatizing
Twisting words to your advantage
Understanding people's weakness and using it to get what you want. Knowing what people need so you can give them what they need and get what you need
Every communication is manipulation because it's directed towards getting what you need. There is intentional and unintentional manipulation
Hinting on something without openly saying so
Examples of manipulation
Eating sweets late at night
A husband is eating sweets late at night.
Wife: "Don't eat sweets so late. It's not healthy for you"
Husband: "Thank you for telling me this and ruining my experience"
Who is a manipulator here and why?
Does a wife say it because she cares about her husband, or she knows that the husband knows what's healthy or not anyway, so by her bringing it up she fulfills her need of power and goodness, at the expense of the husband's experience?
Does the husband reply because he has a need for power by guilt tripping his wife?
Leaving candy wrappers on the table
A mother found candy wrappers in her daughter drawer and she left them on the table, to "guilt trip". Is this manipulation?
"Please play codenames, do it for me!"
One person left a board game so it couldn't continue, so somebody asked the other person who wasn't playing: "Please play codenames, do it for me!"
Is this manipulation? There was an explicit need stated, for contribution, that would be met by joining the game.
Homework: notice if any communication (from your side or from the other side) seems like a manipulation. What makes it a manipulation, in your opinion?
Selfishness
Manipulation brought up the conversation about selfishness. Are there genuinely good deeds, or everything that we do, since it's directed at fulfilling some need that we have, is selfish?
From the dictionary:
Selfish: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
So what we are talking about here is not strictly selfish. It's having self interest or self benefit.
It's healthy to not sacrifice your interests for the sake of others. We need to respect our interests as well as other people's interests. So in a sense if my intention or my communication results in fulfilling needs for both me and the other person, it's not selfish. But if what I say or do fulfills my need at the expense of another person, then it's selfish.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Notice when you are conflicted and try to identify the two parts and their needs
Notice if any communication (from your side or from the other side) seems like a manipulation. What makes it a manipulation, in your opinion?
Notice situations during your week that's worth discussing in the next class