EI for Young Adults: Discussion 35
Nurturing creativity
Stuck solving a difficult problem? It doesn't help to continue focusing on it if we feel stuck. The following suggestions are from the book "Imagine: How Creativity Works" by Jonah Lehrer, to increase creativity:
Expose yourself to diverse experiences: talk to new people, travel, explore unfamiliar settings
Think outside of the box
Relax. The brain's alpha waves, associated with relaxation, play a crucial role in creative insights. Engaging in relaxing activities, such as taking a shower or going for a walk, can lead to "aha!" moments.
Go to a collaborative space where you can share your ideas with others
Don't get discouraged by failures. Failures are essential for learning. Failed experiments often pave the way for groundbreaking innovations.
Blue Environments: Interestingly, people often feel more creative in blue environments. The color blue is believed to stimulate a sense of openness and tranquility.
Spatial Freedom: Open spaces, high ceilings, and rooms with windows can lead to a sense of freedom and, in turn, foster creativity.
Limit Distractions: While distractions can occasionally lead to unexpected insights, it's generally beneficial to have periods of deep, focused work without interruptions.
Other suggestions:
Postpone and procrastinate. Sleep on it
Distract yourself - take a walk, drink cold water
Prioritizing you or the other?
We all have predisposition to prioritize ours or the other people's needs.
If I prioritize the needs of the other I am responsible and reliable. I will go above and beyond to meet their needs. This makes people like me, rely on me and trust me. However there are cons to doing this:
I will not take care of my needs. At some point it will back fire, I will become miserable and make the people around me miserable as well
I may fall into a victim state, blaming others for my problems
If I prioritize my needs over the needs of the other person I will take care of myself. I am going to be very mindful of what I need and will make sure to fulfill these needs. It will positively impact my wellbeing and happiness. However there are cons to doing this:
My friends may find me unreliable and may not trust me to support them when they need it. As a result I may doubt myself, in terms of my ability to have close relationships with others. I may think that there is something wrong with me and I am broken in some way.
The reality is nobody is broken. We are all doing what we are doing. One way is not better than the other way. Being mindful and having the freedom of not always use the same patterns is what allows us the flexibility and freedom from being limited to only one way of operating.
So, if you find yourself deviating toward one of the above, put an effort to do the opposite, grow your muscle of operating beyond your default.
Am I a good person?
I got a feedback from my friend that I wasn't a good friend, that there were traits in me that my friend didn't like. Since this is not the first time I hear this feedback from my really close friends it makes me think that I am not a good person and I don't have the capacity to be a true friend.
Hearing from somebody you care about that there is something wrong with you may be devastating. We trust this person, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with them, in the hope that they will accept us the way they are, and then we hear that they can't accept us the way we are. It's invalidating, it makes us doubt ourselves and our ability to be accepted and loved.
It's hard to get out of the rabbit hole of self-invalidation. Some things that may help:
Hang out with people who find you enough. Even if you are not punctual, it doesn't mean it's a problem for anybody who hangs out with you. Some people have the capacity to love you for who you are with your flaws.
People are loved and appreciated regardless what qualities they have. Consider that it's not you who have the inherent flaw, but the friends who don't have the capacity to accept you the way you are.
If you hear the same things from your friends there are two possibilities:
You do have some traits that are challenging in a friendship. See how either improve or communicate these weaknesses clearly to set your friends' expectations
Your friends fall in the same category (for example, if they all complain about you being not punctual, maybe you pick people who are very busy) Consider that maybe it's your subconscious choices of picking friends is at the root of this criticism. Maybe you'd be better of with other people
If you surround yourself with people who think you are great, you will be great. Make sure to remember this and to grant other acceptance and greatness. Use this as a lesson that you have a choice for people around you - either to empower them by seeing them as great or invalidate them by pointing their weaknesses to them.
Close relationships
Starting relationships
I would like to have a meaningful relationship but I don't really give the other person a chance.
One of the things that stops us from getting involved is a fear that once we really get to know the person we will get bored with them. The more we know somebody the more we define them, put them "in a box", the less interesting this person becomes. Note this is not a function of the other person, but our tendency to put people into categories, to define them, to box them.
What may help is a growth mindset. Asking yourself, or the other - how can we grow together? How can we not stay the same and continue discovering ourselves in new ways?
Sometimes we look for something particular, like the ability to have deep intellectual conversations with people. If we see that this is not there we lose our interest. We all have our needs, like the need for intellectual stimulation, but it's not the only need, there may be many more things that are great about this person that you would find fulfilling if you are able to look past just one requirement.
Changing in a relationship
Do you think you need to change in order to have a relationship?
Some of us think that changing, fitting into a relationship is a sign of a weakness and lack of integrity, it's sacrificing what's important to us, losing who we are.
Some of us think that flexibility is crucial to have a meaningful long lasting relationship. There is not just you and me, there is us, and that needs to be respected.
The reality is somewhere in the middle and the experience is different for everybody. If you are always prioritizing other person's needs, you may be in danger of losing yourself in a relationship. And if you are always focusing on yours you may be too rigid for the other person.
You wouldn't know what you need to change about yourself unless you get a partner and your rigidness is fired back and hurts you
Where do you place yourself and how much do you think you'll need to change to have a relationship, or as a result of a relationship?
Maintaining relationships
When we start romantic relationship we feel in love, everything is magical. However over time we lose this sense of magic and may no longer feel the butterflies. We may still love a person. What's the secret of maintaining the love in a relationship, rather than just attachment to the other person?
Loving parents
Loving parents may be challenging. We have our parents, we can't break up with them or choose better ones who are more fun or more understanding.
Love towards parents teaches us how to love without an option to bail out of this relationship (although some people do find ways to bail out) When we don't have a say whether we want to have this person in our lives or not, we switch to a mode of accepting. What would be even more empowering is to choose what you have. Imagine choosing your parents the way they are, WANTING them to be the way they are. You may say "Why would I?", but then, you are not going to have anybody else as your parents, so why not WANT them to be the way they are, and be much happier with your life?
