EI for Young Adults: Discussion 37

Indecisiveness

Sometimes we have to make a significant decision where there is a lot at stake. The importance of our decision is paralyzing, we feel unable to choose one way or the other.  We feel anxious and frozen. How do we unblock ourselves?

Understand the parts

It helps to understand the key parts that are affected by both decisions. For example, if I choose to find a job or continue my graduate education the parts that are impacted are:

etc.

After we recognize these parts, we can validating them, ("Of course, it's important for you to be financially secure and you are concerned about the choice of continuing my education...") 

We can consider that these parts are like different people who have different priorities but they live together and they need to figure out something that would work for all of them. For example, the learning part can tell the financial security: I know it's uncomfortable if I continue my education, but as I continue learning I will become more in demand and will be better off financially later. And the part for who financial security is important can tell the learning part: I know you want to study now, but learning is everywhere, you can learn as much having a job as if you were getting your PhD. It's all about the intention and passion.

Hopefully after this conversation the decision you are making is no longer a sucker's choice (doing X and sacrificing Y), you can actually fulfill the needs of all parts involved if you are creative, with whatever choice you are to make.

Listen to your intuition

Imagine choosing one way, visualize what it would be like to live your life after the choice is made. Notice your sensations in the body, your gut feeling. How good does it feel? Then imagine a different choice and compare your experience. Perhaps your gut will show you the path.

Discussing situations

Lazy teammate

I am working on a project with my teammate but they don't do their part. 

It is frustrating and unfair when you have to do the work for your teammate. It creates unhealthy relationships and a sense of resentment towards them.

If you role play the conversation you can see the feelings and needs of each person:

The responsible one: Feels frustration, resentment, anger. Needs fairness, trust, commitment, apology

The lazy one: Feels guilty, confused, demotivated. Needs a clean slate, clarity, motivation, validation, fun

Once you understand the feelings and needs, try to talk to these needs, for example:

I think we may have started with the wrong foot. I was blaming you for not doing the work, and I can imagine that it may make you feel disrespected. I am sorry. I really want us to work on it together, not just because we need to finish the project, I want us to make it work. We will have different people to deal with in the future, and if we make it work it will be a valuable experience for both of us. So I'd like to understand more what you need, is it clarity, is it fun, is it me trusting that you can manage and not doubting you? Please let me know, I want us to be successful. 

Motivation

If somebody you work with is demotivated, it takes knowing the person to figure out what motivates them, it may be worth asking them or it may be a trial and error to learn what motivates them, if they don't know it themselves.

Here are some examples:

What motivates you? Think about your motivational needs

Learning from your failures

Everybody says: "Learn on your failures", in reality it is not so easy to learn on our failures. We need to be really clear what led us to the failures, what actions we took, why (what were our stories),  what beliefs framed our stories, what cues had us do what we did. We need to re-imagine the situation, if EVERYTHING happens exactly the same way as it was, if I know what I know, will I be able to prevent myself from the failure?

For example, I failed on my research paper because instead of getting a broad understanding first I spent too much time getting into the details and as a result didn't manage my time accordingly. 

I can say: this won't happen again because now I know that I need to focus on the summary before going into details. But then I imagine myself in a similar situation, doing a similar research, and I realize that the detailed research paper will draw my attention again, because it makes me feel smart and capable to read detailed research, because I like details more than I like general concepts. So these reasons may not allow me to avoid failure if I keep prioritizing my sense of intelligence and attention to detail over what needs to be done to do a good research.

So here is a way to learn on your failures: