EI for Young Adults: Discussion 11
Break your rules
We are often stuck in our ways of doing things and we don't question them. For example, the existence of God. Do I believe in God, and what does it mean? What assumptions do I have, what do I never question? Does praying actually help?
Or, another example, if I always want to organize information, how does it limit me? What if I allow myself to be completely disorganized, what if instead of keeping neat digital diary, I have this messy physical diary where I put my thoughts all out of order?
(this was inspired by this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZbOmMsPgxuWmj5pGymAOnA)
Free will
If there is God, does he have a plan, is our reality pre-determined? And if it is, what's the point in doing anything, we can just lie down and not do anything at all! Is you reading these lines predetermined?
Or God's plan breaks for humans, because we have free will?
Or God's plan is not for us to see, we may feel like things are going down but God's plan is beyond small disasters?
Whatever the reality is (predetermined or not), since we are not able to access the future, we are still going to struggle every time we are about to make a choice. Our choices still have consequences, whether they are predetermined or not, and these potential consequences will bother us when are are about to make a choice. In other words, existing of free will or predetermined reality make very little difference to our everyday choices, we still need to figure out how to make them.
Be yourself!
I learned that one of our teachers died. I didn't know him personally, I was passing by his classroom and I saw people crying and I started crying to. And I felt that I shouldn't be crying because I didn't know this person, I shouldn't be affected by this but I was.
Our ability to empathize, to experience emotions is a gift, not a curse. (Well, it may be a curse, but consider it as a gift).
It's this gift of feeling that makes us creative and expressive and alive. You don't wan to be someone who can shut down all their emotions, you'll be a robot. So, allow yourself to experience what you experience, without judging it. The inner judge that you have is much less significant than the emotional being that you are. The inner judge is just the voice of our parents or authority figures repeating something we heard before, it's not the source of truth or wisdom. The emotional being is.
Discussing situations
You are not taking care of the dog, I am going to give it away!
Parent: You are not taking care of our dog and I don't have time for it, we should give away our dog
Teenager: But I have so many things to do, I really don't have time for it!
Parent's feelings: shocked, it doesn't make sense, how can you keep a dog and not take care of it?!
Parent's needs: order, stability, integrity
Teen's feelings: scared, anxious, insecure, guilty, powerless
Teen's needs: safety, control, empathy
Second try
Parent: When I was young I wanted to have a pet too and my mom didn't let me. You should understand that since your lifestyle is not changing, someone has to take care of the dog physically, or we can't keep it, it's going to be unhappy. If you can't take care of the dog, let's find a good place.
(shows some empathy, but doesn't address the need of control)
Third try
I want you to be happy and if this dog makes you happy I want you to have this dog, but we don't want this dog to be miserable or die, and I can't be responsible for it. Let's work together to figure out a way, maybe we can make it easier for you to take care of the dog or maybe you need to look at your priorities.
Priorities
Sometimes a conversation is going nowhere not because it's a dead end and nothing is possible, it's because two people have priorities that clash. It's important to consider that our priorities is something that we can move around, and with that in mind it opens up a lot in conversations where nothing seems possible