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Addiction
Addiction
I am afraid to start playing poker online because I am afraid I will get addicted to it.
Pros of addiction
Is addiction always bad? We can be addicted to a new friend, we are addicted when we fall in love. We can be addicted to a hobby we are passionate about. Addiction locks our attention on a single thing. A lot of great artists and geniuses were successful most likely because they were addicted either to their work or to their muses.
Cons of addiction
That said, addiction has its side effects. When we focus on a single thing we disregard other things important to us, for example our wellbeing when we work too much. We may burn out as a result. We also lose perspective, we lose track of time, we forget everything else, and then we may "wake up" one day and not like what we are seeing.
And of course, the main problems of addiction:
we start needing the thing that we are addicted to, we feel miserable when we are unable to have access to it, we get hooked and if this thing is taken away from us we will go though very painful time.
we stop being able controlling ourselves, our object of addiction becomes stronger than us and we become its slaves
some addictions are simply harmful for our health (drugs, alcohol), our social life or our financial security.
So what do we do?
It's important to remember that most things that we may get addicted to are not instantaneous (except for some strong drugs). This means if we try something we are not going to be addicted to it right away, we can think about it more and weigh pros and cons. Also, it helps to discuss it with other people, to get their perspective, to ask them to follow up with you if you are not sure you will be able to control yourself.
Check out my YT video "Wants and needs" that also talks about addiction
Investing into making friends
Investing into making friends
Most of us want to have friends. How much efforts do we actually spend investing in making friends, into finding new people in our lives that would make our lives better, that would allow us to fulfill our needs? How do we do it?
This process may be exhausting, unnatural, awkward and draining. Some people get better with practice, some don't. Most of this is having a conversation.
How do you start a conversation with the stranger? Here is a good question to ask:
"What are you up to?"
It's general enough and not intimidating or invasive. It allows a person to answer any way they want and it allows you to learn a lot from how they answer it. Compare it with
"What are you doing?" (Too restrictive, focusing on action).
"How is it going?" (Lacking curiosity)
"Tell me about yourself" (Too demanding and uncomfortable)
But I am not natural at it!
But I am not natural at it!
Consider it as a blessing, not as a curse. When we are not natural at something, we actually learn the details of doing it much deeper. Someone who is natural would have no idea what they just did to make a friend, but we know all the processes involved, we can replicate them, we can teach others, we can use the feedback to improve and learn on our mistakes.
Strategies for making friends
Strategies for making friends
(Thanks Misha!)
Look for new people
Join a group of people who talks about something
Show curiosity. Talk about what they are interested in, pretend you are interested in it as well. Show them that you care
If uncomfortable, think what is one thing in common between you and them, and focus on this.
Food for thought:
Food for thought:
How much efforts (from 1 to 10) do you invest in making new friends?
What about maintaining your old friendships?
How do you do it?
Discussing situations
Discussing situations
I don't want to go to lunch with you!
I don't want to go to lunch with you!
Every time after lecture this girl invites me to go to lunch with her, but I don't want to go to lunch with her. She keeps getting upset at me when I find excuses.
After role playing this scenario (saying no when invited to go to lunch we can see that the girl has feelings and needs:
Feels frustrated and annoyed. Needs friendship, companionship, appreciation
If we know what the other person feels and wants we can address that in our conversation.
I know that you want to have lunch with me. And I already have plans with someone else, I don’t want you to feel like I have something against you. It’s the only time that I can spend with the other person and it’s important for me to have this time, and it's importnat for me to spend time with you and I would like to have some time to spend with you.
Ask for a feedback
It may look awkward, but it's really important for both people to ask for the feedback.
How does it make you feel to hear that?
Apology
Apology
Sometimes our words or behavior hurt the other person. We want to apologize. What are we apologizing for?
Here is an example of a bad apology (let's say a person is upset that you ignored them)
I just have this tendency to think about something so deeply that I block everything else out.
Why is this a bad apology? It is an excuse, it doesn't empathize with the person's pain, it's about you, not the other person.
Here is a better apology:
I am really sorry you felt ignored and sad when I didn't answer anything to your question. I can imagine how it must have felt, and it's important for you to be seen and heard.
This would make the person feel heard and seen, and then you can tell them why it happened, this way they will actually listen.
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