EI for Young Adults: Discussion 22

I was waiting for you in the library!

We made plans to meet in the library with my friend, I told my friend I'll be there but then I ended up going there with another friend and my friend got very upset that they had to wait for me and I didn't show up

If my friend is not alone it doesn't matter if I am there. 

A lot of us have this thought that we don't really matter in a group of several people. "Who cares if I am there, they can have fun anyway". While it's a humble perspective it's also very disempowering, because we diminish the impact our presence has on people. We may think we have very little to bring to the table, or we are not fun, and if we have such a belief we create a confirmation bias - we start seeing proofs that we don't really matter, that it doesn't matter if we are there or not. What if we had a different belief, for example "my presence makes a difference, even if I don't say a word". What would it be like to respect your worth and your presence, and see yourself as a gift to others? Don't be greedy and give others the gift of who you are!

I don't know what's going on in my head when I have too many things to take care of at the same time

If it was critical for me to be somewhere and I knew that I can't rely on myself because I tend to lose track of things, I would make sure that I get the support that I need to be where I need to be. I would communicate to as many people as I can about my plans and would ask them to support me in some way. Why do I not prioritize being on time according to my promises, while other people make sure this happens no matter what?

Consider that if you don't see yourself as someone who matters, maybe it's also hard for you to see others matter, and their needs matter. A deflated balloon sees other balloons as deflated (It's a weird metaphor, but still). And once you inflate yourself with "matter" you start perceiving others as such as well. 

I understand what you feel

When trying to resolve this situation with a friend it's important to understand their feelings and needs. 

"I felt frustrated because I could be doing something else"

You could say to your friends. Okay, you were frustrated because your need for freedom to do what you want to do wasn't met. I understand.

Understanding is the first step but not the final goal. Intellectual understanding doesn't bring a sense of completion to another person. In order for the other person to feel complete about your communication you want to empathize. Empathizing means putting yourself in their shoes and ALLOWING yourself to feel what they would feel. When you feel that frustration and that need to do something while you can't (because you have to wait for your friend) you start having a sense of remorse, for causing pain to the person you love. This is empathy. This is what you want to express to your friend, not just intellectual understanding

How do I address situations like this in the future?

1. Figure out what happened

2. Figure out what they are feeling and what needs are not met

3. Understand what they feel. Be curious, don't assume, and if you assume, check if you are right.

4. Empathize by putting myself in their shoes, Feeling their feelings,

5. Express remorse that you would naturally feel if you allow yourself to feel the pain that your friend felt.

Expressing strong opinion in a group chat

Somebody in a group chat expressed a clearly incorrect point of view or was unfair to me or others. Should I confront them in the group chat?

Why it may be a good idea?

It makes them question things. People are going to be thinking about it.

BUT...

It will get people defensive, will get others engaged into a fight and will cause a big mess and little benefit. You can spark a bigger conversation and it can go out of hand. People say things over text that they wouldn’t say in person.

Better option:

Text them privately. Remember, “Everybody makes sense, for themselves”  so if something doesn't make sense to you try to understand how it makes sense for the other person, this will give you much more leverage to have a conversation and express your own opinion

If you decide to use group chat

“What if…”: ask a hypothetical question, so people are not as threatened.

If it related to everybody, group chat, if it involves you, text them personally

It’s okay to express your opposite opinion to close friends,