EI for Young Adults: Discussion 7
Love Language
There are several ways to express love or how we want love to be expressed to us:
Words of affirmation. Especially when someone affirms you in the areas where you are not so sure about yourself
Gift giving
Acts of service (cooking food, cleaning)
Quality time
Physical touch
How do you express love?
How do you want love to be expressed to you?
It is important to understand that how WE want to express love may be different from how the other person wants us to express love. There is a known story:
Wife: he doesn't love me
Husband: How can you say that? I hug you every day, I cook for you!
Wife: but you never say you love me!
It make take a conversation between to people who they want love to be expressed to them, rather than assuming or going with what You think is right
Why do we prefer some ways and not other ways of love expressed to us? Is this because we feel scarcity in that area? Is this because we have this unfulfilled need for something, regardless how much we are getting it, it never met? (like needing to hear that I am being loved)
Discussing situations
Confronting a schoolmate who doesn't do equal part on a project
There are no irrational people. Everybody is rational in their own way. A schoolmate who doesn't do equal part on a project may have several reasons:
Using other people (manipulation)
Wants to help but can't (doesn't know how, unable, going through something in her life)
Doesn't care
We started a role playing asking one person to assume one of the reasons. During the conversation we saw that this person was annoyed by the confrontation, and her need on the surface was to be left alone (need for space). The person confronting was frustrated, because their need for contribution of the other person was not met.
Everybody has good intentions. No matter how "evil" some people seem to us it's important to remember that even they have good intentions. And a need for contribution is universal for all people, it may just be deep or a person may be resigned about it, and needs to be surfaced.
When talking to someone have trust that by digging deep into their needs you will find something that resonates for them, something that they can benefit from interacting with you.
When looking at a deeper need of the "slacker" we realized that there is a need for contribution but the person is resigned about being able to contribute. Knowing that it becomes possible to talk to that person pointing to their strengths and how they can help using them, e.g.
We may be more book smart than you but you are really good at forming arguments and we need this quality, to be able to persuade others about our project, you are a good debater.
After that the person confronted was totally sold and willing to contribute.
Telling someone who wants to be more than friends that you are not interested
The issue is how to express myself without hurting the other person.
Hurt. When talking about hurting the other person it's important to understand what the concern is:
Am I afraid to be the one who causes pain (self centered)
Am I concerned about the other person experiencing pain? (other centered)
One is not better than the other, but it is important to understand what drives you.
There are several approaches
Ghosting someone. Being passive responding with delays, hoping that they will get the signal. However when I think of doing that I feel inauthentic, I don't like myself doing that.
Being straight. This is scary, but liberating
We tried to have a straight conversation in a safe space, with the intention to see how it will land for the other person. It was still painful to hear.
The last last part of the conversation was:
Let's talk less often, so I am more excited to talk this way.
We disagreed how this statement lands
Does it send a very clear message to the other person that it's all over?
Does it still leave hope?
Hope.
Hope is not objective. For someone the same words is an indication of no hope, while for the other person the same words give a lot of hope because they want to believe, they WANT to be hopeful. Therefore unless you are absolutely clear how you express yourself you don't know whether your words are taken as "this is it", or "there is still hope". Being in the space of "false hope" is painful and unpleasant. But being in the space of "no hope" may be depressing.
The problem is that often the person "breaking up" doesn't know if they want to cut everything or just be friends. It is very challenging (for you and the other person) when you are conflicted about what you want your message to be.
Coping strategies: rationalizing
Using our rational brain to deal with negative emotions is a very effective strategy and can be used in many different ways. The general framework is as follows:
Identify that something bothers you and how it makes you feel (use the wheel of emotions)
Ask yourself: "Why do I feel this way?" This will lead you to your story, your rationalization.
Reframe what you say about the situation.
Different ways to reframe:
Approach 1. Change perspective
Example 1. I am really anxious about not making it to a volleyball team. I am especially anxious to think what my mental state will be like if I don't make it.
REFRAME: I imagine from the perspective of coaches who care about getting the best team. They do what makes sense for them, and if I am not part of their equation, I don't have to take it personally, it is what it is. They are not trying to hurt me or anything
Example 2. I think I am unattractive. It's painful to think of myself this way.
REFRAME: I think of the attractive people in my school, how I benefit them by my "unattractiveness", and people look at them, they don't look at me. So at least there is some benefit from my unattractiveness, if I step away from my perspective into other people's perspective.
Approach 2. Lessons learned.
Example. Somebody tried to talk to me and I closed myself off. I felt bad later for possibly missing a chance of getting to know a person.
REFRAME: I learned that there may be different reasons for closing myself off. I may be afraid that a person may have bad intentions, or I may be afraid to open up to a stranger. In the first case I did the right thing, in the second I want to be able to open up more. Next time I am in a similar situations I will know that my fear may come from one of these two places. I can see if I get a bad vibe from a person and should stay away, or if it's me afraid to interact and I may overcome it.
Approach 3. What would somebody else feel and say in my place?
Example. I am anxious waiting for my test results.
REFRAME: Why am I anxious? I am afraid to do badly on my test. Then I imagine my friend who is not worried about their test results. Why would they not be worried? They may not care about it that much. Why do I care so much and they don't? Because for me getting good grades is important, but for them maybe it's about learning new things. So I choose to have a different story (borrow it from my imaginary friend): It's what I know that's important, not how I am graded.
Surprise Yourself Game
I invite everybody to participate in "Surprise yourself!" game.
Rules
When you are about to make a choice: to do something that you would normally do or challenge yourself, and you choose to challenge yourself and make yourself uncomfortable, you get a point. Record your accomplishment at the top page and see your progress.
Winner
By the end of October we see got the most points. I will draw a portrait of the winner and will autograph it!
Out of comfort zone ideas
(you can pick anything that makes you uncomfortable, don't have to limit yourself by this list):
Talk to a stranger
Say hi to a stranger
Have an honest conversation with a friend
Admit your feelings
become more friendly you are not friendly with
Reach out to someone you know who you are not friends with anymore
put yourself out there in front of a group of people
be vulnerable with another person
say yes when you normally say no
say no when you normally say yes
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Don't forget to play the Uncomfortable game!
Bring your situations to the next class
How do you express love? How do you want love to be expressed to you?
Try to apply one of the rationalizing coping strategies when you feel down
Surprise yourself game: record your out of comfort actions in the form on the main page. The winner will get a portrait of themselves made and autographed by the artist (misha). (The game ends October 31)