EI for Young Adults: Discussion 5

Loud roommates

After trying to tell roommates to be quiet the conversation became a little aggravated. Later the roommates expressed that they would like to have a more peaceful way of resolving conflicts.

How do you address this situation?

Both parties have feelings and needs.

Roommates felt threatened, because their need for civility was not met.

The person who brought up the issue felt annoyed because their need for quiet was not met.

The way to address this is to first understand what the roommates feel and need and then once they feel gotten, express your feelings and needs. This may lead to mutual understanding and agreement on how to deal with it in case this happens again.

Telling the professor to stop yelling during lecture

The professor raises voice when trying to explain something. This makes students feel that they did something wrong. How do you communicate it to the professor?

It is important to take responsibility on how professor's communication is interpreted. You don't want to bring your judgements, for example, "when you scream at us" is a judgement, "when you raise your voice" is more of a fact.

You could say something like this: when you want to say something important and raise your voice I feel scared because it reminds me of people yelling at me and blaming me. As a result I can't really listen attentively to what you are saying. I understand that you raising your voice is your way of pointing to something important, and it's not really working for me and some of the other students. Would it be possible to communicate important points without raising your voice so that we actually are able to listen them carefully?

Consequences. We are responsible for the consequences of our communication. We may have all the best intention but if we piss off the professor and get an F, this is the risk we are taking.

Taking care of a disabled family member

What do you do if there is someone in your family you have to take care of, possibly for the rest of your life, and at the same time you want to live your life fully?

This is an example of being conflicted. There are two different needs: support and love for my relative and personal fulfillment and I don't see how I can meet both of these needs. I feel that if I take care of one need, I will have to sacrifice the other need, and I don't want to do that.

It is important to understand that there may be more choices in life than "either / or". Once I understand these two needs I can start seeing other ways to address them, without sacrificing either of them. For example, I can hire somebody to help. See Conflicted" how to deal with conflicting needs.