EI for Young Adults: Discussion 13

Discussing situations

Dealing with shoulds

We are often upset in our lives because we expect things to be different than what they are. Examples:

I should not be attaching my self worth based on how much attention I get from this person

I shouldn't have cried when this happened

I should know what to do with my life

My friend shouldn’t be driving so fast

Not wanting

The reason why we are upset when we say any of the statements above is because we don't want things the way they are or the way they were.

I don't want to attach my self worth based on how much attention I get. But I do!

I don't want things to happen the way they happened when I ended up crying. I wish it never happened! But I did cry!

I don't know what to do with my life, and I don't want to be in this place. But I am!

I don't want my friend to drive so fast, but he does!

When we don't want things the way they are we are just resisting what is. It doesn't really move us to act. It's wanting that moves us to act

Wanting

Wanting is a positive experience. We can never feel bad when we focus on wanting something. When I want my friend to drive slower, I imagine being safe, sitting in the car that goes 5 miles an hour. This is a positive experience. Wanting can never make us feel bad. It's not wanting to stress out when the car drives 100 miles an hour that makes us feel bad.

The problem is we focus too much on not wanting and we need to start looking at what we want, not what we don't want. How do we do it?

Allow yourself not to feel bad

We are forcing ourselves to feel bad because it's important to us.

What kind of person would I be if I didn't feel scared when driving with my reckless friend? I'd be someone who doesn't care about my wellbeing, but I do! My wellbeing is important to me, that's why I feel scared.

What kind of person would I be if I didn't feel frustrated that I still can't figure out what I want to do? Someone who doesn't care about their future, but I do. My future is important to me, that's why I keep being frustrated.

By understanding what's important to you, you can let go of feeling bad, so you can start looking at what you want, instead of being stuck in a negative emotional cycle

Accept your reality

How can you express your "should" differently so that you can accept it easier? Some things that can help:

• Avoid judgements. (I am such a crying baby -> I am able to express emotions)

• Allow yourself to be you. You are a product of your past experiences. You can't be someone else. (How can I still not know what I want?! -> It has not been easy for me to find my path in life. Not everybody knows what they want, it's okay)

• Validate your experience. (I shouldn't get so upset when I don't hear from my friend -> My friend is very important for me and the lack of contact scares me)

Once we accept our reality we can move our focus away from resisting what is into what we actually want

What do you want?

When figuring out what you want you need to be able to state it in a way that makes you excited. Several things prevent us from it:

1. Being conflicted. I can say: I want to never drive with my crazy friend again, but then I need somebody to give me rides and I want to continue being friends. So, not driving with my friend is not really want I want. What I want is to be able to drive with my friend and feel safe about it.

2. Strategy. I may think I want to figure out where to study next, but this may be just a strategy for something that I really want. Maybe I want to be fulfilled and connected. Knowing that this is ultimately what I want I can find other strategies to get what I want.

3. I don't know what I want. This may prevent us from getting what we want because we don't know what we want. In this helps it helps to ask, what do I get from not wanting what I want? Maybe you get a sense of freedom (you don't have to lock yourself into anything, commit to something that you may later regret). But there is a cost too. I may never find out what I want, if I don't know. How to proceed with that? Ask yourself: how do I find out what I want?

Act

Allowing yourself to move away from negativity and to dream and be clear about what you want creates intention to act. You naturally start seeing opportunity for actions

Positive and negative motivation

It seems that some people are motivated by wanting something and imagining how they would get what they want, while other people are motivated by running away from something. They imagine something they don't want, and in order to prevent this from happening they are motivated to act.

Positive motivation: a child gets excited about a toy she sees in a store. Imagining wanting this toy makes the child beg the parent to get her a toy.

Negative motivation: a student keeps procrastinating on a project because it's confusing and unpleasant to work on it, but once the deadline approaches, the threat of failing pushes the student to get to this project. Choosing lesser of two evils.

Our negative motivation is stronger than positive motivation. If I want a banana on a palm tree, and I notice a tiger, my motivation to run away from the tiger will be much stronger than my motivation to get a banana.

While threat and fear forces us to act, we are in a state of surviving, not thriving. I am surviving when my goals are to avoid threats, to get to an okay place from a really bad place. I am thriving when I am already okay and I want something more, something better.

How do I move from negative to positive motivation?

The state of surviving happens when our needs are not met. We are not okay and in order to be okay we need to meet these needs. The state of thriving can happen only when my needs and necessities are met and I am okay.

For example, I have to travel to another country and I am really anxious that my phone will not work there and I will not be able to find anything and to figure anything out. I am putting my energy into making sure my phone will work, to be okay. I am in surviving mode.

Instead I could be driven by the positive motivation of imagining myself exploring the new city and feeling good about it and wanting to learn ahead of time. I am in a thriving mode.

There are two ways to get from surviving to thriving.

1. Meet your needs. Identify what you need and find a way to address these needs.

I am anxious because my need for safety and understanding is not met. Getting or borrowing a second phone that works may be a way to meet this need. I can also ask my friend in that city to meet me and hang out with me.

2. Question your needs. Sometimes we think we REALLY NEED something in order to be okay, but we can question this assumption, for example

• Do you really need this to be okay? Are there people who are okay and they don't have that need?

Some people like taking risk and being adventurous. If they always prioritized safety they wouldn't dare to do the things that they do and later remember these precious moments, even though they may be uncomfortable. I can try to be like these people.

• Is your need really not being met? Maybe if you change your perspective you will see that there is a viewpoint from which this need is actually met.

I can imagine a worst case scenario. I will have money and somebody may speak my langauge, so I am not really going to die there. Which means I am kind of safe

Manifestation

Consider that we manifest in our world the reality that we most often imagine. The reason why it's the case is when we imagine a certain reality our mind starts filtering events and opportunities relevant to this imagined reality, we are tuned into this imagined reality and starts acting towards it.

If we are driven by negative motivation the reality that we focus on is the one we DON'T WANT to have. We keep thinking about failures and the scenarios that we don't want to happen. We keep being scared and anxious about what's to come.

From this perspective the chance of manifesting the reality we don't want is much higher than the chance of manifesting reality we actually want.

When we are driven by positive motivation we imagine the reality we want. We experience this imagined reality, in the present, in the now. It makes us feel good. Our mind is tuned into finding opportunities to bring this imagined reality closer to us in our world.

Next time you catch yourself worrying about something that's about to happen, ask yourself

What am I manifesting right now?

Universe always proves you right. What do you want it to prove to you?