EI for Young Adults: Discussion 10

Every behavior has positive intention


Q: I used to be friends with someone in middle school, but now when we see each other we pretend we don't know each other. It's weird...

Every behavior has a positive intention. You wouldn't do what you do if there was no benefit to you in some way. It helps to identify a positive intention of your behavior, because if you don't know why you do what you do, it's confusing, and you start questioning your sanity.

In the example above a positive intention can be:

1) having peace of mind, because I don't have to initiate the interaction with them.

2) creating more space for myself and opportunity for new people to come into my life.

Now, that you understand your positive intention you can also ask yourself what is the cost of this behavior, for example a possible friendship. And as you are aware of cost and benefit you can make a better judgements whether you want to continue your behavior or change it.

Cost benefit analysis

Cost benefit analysis allows you to explore your behaviors and figure out if you want to continue them.

  1. Identify a positive intention of your current behavior. How is it benefiting you?

  2. Think about the cost of your behavior

  3. See if you want to continue your behavior or change it based on this additional information

Feeling down: nothing helps

Q: The suggestions in the previous discussion don't seem to help me. I know why I feel down but I don't know what to do about it. What else can I do?


Here are some more suggestions:

  1. Create / schedule something to look forward to

  2. Self care, not just emotionally, but physically (taking bath, day off), express self love

  3. Sports makes you happier


No bestie? What's wrong with me?


Q: People around me have best friends but I don't have one. Is it okay?


It's okay and you are okay

First, it's definitely okay. It doesn't help to think that some things are not okay and there is something wrong with you. It just creates anxiety and fear. A much better way is to accept what is, it's okay, I am okay, and then ask yourself if you want to have a best friend. This way instead of being scared and anxious you can be excited about a possibility of finding a best friend. Think about it, who has better chances of finding a best friend: someone who is scared and anxious about not having one or someone who is eager and excited to find one?


The benefits of having a best friend

  • Getting emotional validation. It's important for some people to rely on it

  • Secure attachment. Knowing that someone is there for me when I need them


The benefits of not having a best friend

  • Learn to be with yourself and enjoy yourself

  • No social pressure to pretend

  • No co-dependency

  • Emotional independence

  • Certain maturity and wisdom - all relationships end sooner or later

  • Using many people for various needs and ways of communication, instead of expecting one person to be everything to me.

Male and female friendships

Some people say that male and female friendships have different quality, for example

Female friendship:
eye to eye: emotional involvement, consistent, frequent

Male friendship:
Side by side: doing things together, support, sporadic. Knowing that there is someone I can lean on

Also, there may be two categories: quality vs quantity time friendship. There are people who you hang out with occasionally but it doesn't prevent you to have intimate conversations with them. And there are buddies who you hang out with a lot, and there is a certain value in that as well.

Secure attachment

Secure bond, or secure attachment is knowing that there is somebody there for me, somebody I can trust, somebody I can lean on. There was a lot of research done for people who have secure attachment figures in their lives vs those who don't. The people who have secure attachment are generally happier and able to take more risk.


There used to be a parental style focusing on making children independent, growing "James Bonds". Rely on yourself and nobody else. This makes sense logically but doesn't hold in real life. We need to know that we can trust somebody and that what allows us to be truly independent.


The trust is subjective. There may be people who say: I am there for my friend / my child, so surely they must have secure attachment. It's not always the case. It's more about what the person's subjective reality is. I may believe somebody is there for me, and they may not even know it, and still I would have a secure attachment to this person.


Family is a source of secure attachment. Even if I don't share everything with my parents, I may still believe that they are there for me when I need them. If something happens, they'll support me.

Habits

Q: do I create a good habit and get rid of a bad one?

For example

  • Having better diet

  • Consistent physical exercise

  • Consistently studying vs only before the test

What allows us to take on a habit?

It helps to ask a person in detail what they do, how they do it, and why.

Example1: Brushing teeth.

I used to hate brushing teeth. But now brushing teeth is great because It's very simple, it can go alone with other activities, like watching a show. Besides Yellow teeth - ouch, no thanks.

Unpacking:

  1. Simple activity. A habit should be automatic, which means you don't need to put extra mental effort into doing it

  2. Values. If time is important for me, I need to find ways to do the activity so it doesn't negatively impact my value

  3. Motivation. (Towards something or away from something). I can be motivated by imagining myself having white teeth or by imagining myself having yellow teeth and doing whatever I need to avoid it

Example 2: Cleaning my room


I used to have a sea of clothes in my room, it got so dusty that I couldn't breathe. So I started cleaning up, first started small, then made it into a habit eventually. Cleaning always seemed such an involved thing, but then I realized it's a bunch of tiny simple tasks. I set realistic goals: instead of saying: I will always have a perfectly clean room, I can say, I'll clean my room once a month.


Unpacking

  1. Motivation (Breathing). I saw that my bad habit impacts my wellbeing, I wanted to breathe.

  2. Simple activity. Instead of seeing the activity as complicated I saw it as a bunch of tiny tasks of picking a piece of clothes and putting it away

  3. Realistic goals. I don't strive to perfection. I give myself some slack, I set realistic goals that don't overwhelm me.

Example 3: Journaling

I enjoy journaling. I don't do it every day but pretty often. I journal on my phone, I use speech to text if I am unable to type. I find my thoughts precious, and I don't want to miss or forget them.

Unpacking

  1. Convenience and simple task. If I was journaling in a book, I'd keep forgetting taking it with me. Using my phone for journaling and speech to text makes it fast and simple for me.

  2. Motivation. I have a belief that my thoughts are very interesting and precious, every thought is golden and can be used later in some context.

  3. Realistic goals. I don't make any rules that would dominate me (e.g. one line a day) I don't feel obliged to journal and don't get upset if haven't journaled in a while.

Example 4: Showering

Once I saw a classmate who didn't shower and he stunk. So I shower every day now. Also, it's pleasant

Unpacking

  1. Motivation. I don't want to stink, and it's pleasant

Example 5: Dribbling 5 minutes a day

I made a list of different dribbling practices and I try to do it after school

Unpacking

  1. Motivation. I want to get better in my technique

  2. Freedom. I use a random card to specify what I am going to do today. This way I am not bored doing the same thing always.

Use willpower or doing things when we feel like it?


Q: One professor forces himself to sit 5-6 hours without getting up to do the work. Is this what we need to do?


Some people are using will power and some people do things when they feel like it. One could argue that the second category sooner or later will need to do things they don't like, you can't always do everything when you feel like it!


Consider that since each behavior has a positive intention, when you do something you don't like doing it's because you are getting some benefit from it. Since you are benefitting from this activity already, why not make it fun, so that you actually get to enjoy it too, instead of suffer through it.


There are some things you can do to align your will with the things you need to do.

  1. Reframing. Saying something that will empower you in doing these things.

For example, I hate washing dishes -> I enjoy making things shine

  1. Reward. Come up with a reward and think about your reward while doing something unpleasant

  2. Gamify. Make a game out of your activity. Can I beat my fastest time in terms of washing dishes?

  3. Celebrate accomplishments Plan small doable milestones, celebrate your accomplishment after each milestone. Give yourself a high five.

Learn about yourself from other people

Ask people in your life what they think about you. Sometimes we have very subjective understanding of who we are, it may help to see other people perspective.

Here are suggested questions:

    1. What are my strength / weaknesses

    2. What can / can't you rely on me for?

    3. What do you think drives me?

    4. If there is anything you always wanted to tell me and never did, what would it be? (promise to try not to take it personally)