EI for Young Adults: Discussion 1
Emotional intelligence
Things to ponder: how do you define emotional intelligence and why do you need it?
Here is an example from Bar-On
What do you find most applicable / needed for you personally?
Feelings
What do you feel when you sent a text to someone you care about and they don't respond back?
Each person may have a different feeling in response to an event, and even if they have the same feeling they may experience it differently: different body sensations, different urges, different thoughts / actions.
Responsibility
We are responsible for how we feel when we hear communication. Because we are the ones who interpret what we hear our own way, and this interpretation makes us feel certain way. That said, it doesn't mean that the person who is communicating to us is not responsible for their communication.
Responsibility is not exclusive. One thing doesn't exclude the other so we are absolutely responsible for how our words land for the other person. For example if I'm making a racist joke and I am not aware of it and by doing this I hurt somebody I'm absolutely responsible for doing that. So my intentions are not the main factor that determines my responsibility. I can have good intentions but bad outcome and I'm still responsible for that. Lack of responsibility assumes lack of choice. It means that my words don't matter since they can be interpreted in any way. It means that I'm completely powerless in my ability to communicate what I want. Which is not the case. It is not empowering. So if I assume responsibility for all my words and how they land for the other person it means that I have the power to learn and understand where the person is coming from, what their world is, and how my words will be perceived. Which means that both people, the one communicating and the one listening, have absolute power over that communication.
Needs
When our needs are not being met we have negative feelings, When they are met, we feel good.
What are your needs ...
by attending this class?
by being friends with X?
by coming to Poconos?
Conflicting needs
Sometimes when we do something we fulfill one need but neglect another need. We become conflicted.
What need do you fulfill and neglect when you go to a party that has some people you don't like?
Pursuing a life purpose
Our understanding of life purpose may be different, for example, if I want to be successful my need for relationships may not be as important to me, I may perceive it as a distraction. And in the opposite way, if I want to invest into a relationships, my career may be a distraction for a meaningful relationship. It's always a challenge to understand what's important to us and make sure that other needs that we have are not neglected.
Understanding other person's feelings and needs
When somebody comes to us with a demand or complaint or request it is important to try to understand their feelings and needs, or even try to help them to understand what they feel and why. We tend to get defensive and by doing it we start giving explanations and excuses and this takes away from listening to the other person and being in their world. Being able to understand the other persons feelings and needs and let them see that you really get them creates an agreement in the face of disagreement. It's the first step of any communication.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Notice your feelings. How do you know that you feel what you feel?