EI for Young Adults: Discussion 15
Dealing with regrets
I didn't participate in my high school play this year and I regret it.
I regret something when I focus on the outcome that I don't want to have. Tips for dealing with regrets:
Allow yourself to grief. We may feel sad or angry about the choices we've made. Immediately shoving them away is not healthy. It helps to allow yourself some time to feel the grief of your choices, to empathize with yourself, to accept your feelings about it and let them live in your body.
There is no reason to resist what is. The outcome that I have is the outcome what I have and it can not be changed. There is no point to fight it and be upset about things we can't change
Have more self understanding. The person who I was when I made the choices leading to the outcome couldn't be any different. I knew what I knew at the time, with the experience that I had at the time. I couldn't do something differently.
Focus on positives. Every choice (even the choice made in the past) has both positives and negatives. Regret is focusing on the negatives of your choices. Why not focus on the positives? What are the good things that came out of your choice?
What can you learn? It's productive to think about past decisions from the perspective of learning from them. If this thing happens again, what can I learn to make better decisions in the future?
Procrastination
Procrastination is running away from a negative experience. At first the negative experience of doing something makes us not do it, but when the deadline is approaching our negative experience of failing or not completing before the deadline scares us even more and has us work really hard at the last moment.
There is nothing wrong with procrastination, it's a successful strategy for many things:
We don't get to waste our time. By procrastinating we focus on more interesting things, and when the time comes we spend much shorter time on the things that we don't find particularly enjoyable
We get to be creative. By procrastinating we allow ideas to nurture on the back of our mind, so that when we eventually get to do something we may produce a better work.
We may avoid doing the unpleasant thing altogether. If we procrastinate doing something there is a chance that it will be canceled and we won't have to do it at all.
Tips for dealing with procrastination
Go beyond the unpleasant. Imagine what it would feel like once your project is completed. How great and relieved you would feel. Wouldn't you want to experience this as soon as possible?
Break down into small steps. Sometimes we don't know where to start. Think of what you need to do in as simple steps as possible. If you are able to break it down to something as simple as getting up from your chair, you should be able to unblock yourself.
Allocate time. By telling yourself that you will spend 10 minutes a day on this project, and not the whole day and the whole night, you may feel less intimidated to start working on it. And persistence is the key. Sometimes 10 minutes a day is enough to make a huge progress.
Talk to friends. Sharing what you need to do, talking aloud, getting advice and ideas will help you especially if the project is complicated and has a lot of unknowns. A lot of times we are stopped because we don't have all the necessary information. Several things may help to deal with unknowns.
Imagine the worst case scenario. If you imagine the worst thing that can happen you can have a baseline. Everything will be better, so you don't need to get so scared.
Use approaches from different contexts. We all deal with unknowns and we have developed successful strategies for it. How do you solve a jigsaw puzzle? How do you orient yourself in an unfamiliar place? How do you start a new class or a new project? Be creative, see how you can apply your strategies to the project that you are procrastinating on.
Discussing situations
Are you seriously on your phone while I am talking?!
My wife was upset at me when I was on my phone during conversations with friends because I already heard the story that was being told
A: "How can you be on your phone? It's disrespectful!"
B: "I feel trapped"
B feels: bored
B needs: stimulation, entertainment
A feels: annoyed
A needs: support
It is important to recognize each other's needs and motivation. When B gets bored they are looking for ways to stimulate themselves. A may be able to explain to B that stimulation may be found not necessarily in the content of the conversation but in creating the space for people to connect. B may also start seeing other opportunities, like redirecting a conversation towards something more interesting, observing people's expressions, thinking about their emotions, asking questions, etc. This will come from understanding A's need to be supported in creating the space for connection.
Respect to parents
Sometimes I am questioning myself whether I am respectful enough to my parents.
The answer depends on who you are asking this question. Your parent may think you are not respectful enough, while your friends may think you are overly respectful. It depends on the society and its tradition. But mostly your answer should depend on how YOU answer this question.
Ultimately the question is about validation. We doubt how good children we are, and who is to say, but us? And who is the main person who can validate you but you?
Answering this question is not about trying to be objective, it's more of a declaration. "I am respectful to my parents. Because ... I am!"