EI for Young Adults: Discussion 3

Coping with negative emotions

Sometimes we feel down, sad, frustrated. What coping strategies do you use to deal with your negative emotions?

Below is the list combined by all participants:

1. Write down how you feel and possibly why you feel the way you feel. It helps get clarity and feel better. However if I don't know why I feel what I feel it may get worse.

2. Distract yourself from feeling bad

3. Ignore your feeling. It will fade away over time. Don't think about it too much

4. Allow yourself feel the negative feeling, be with it

5. Talk to someone about it. It should be someone who you know can empathize with you.

6. Sleep on it, put it off, procrastinate, deal with it later.

7. Reframe, Experiencing negative emotions is part of being alive. For example. "I shouldn't be sad right now" -> "Our negative emotions provide valuable experience and insight into who we are, I am glad I am feeling sad right now"

Pros and cons of dealing with negative emotions.

Sometimes we question whether we should do something about our negative emotions or postpone / forget them. Considering pros and cons may help. For example.

Pros of dealing with a negative emotion:

• I will get some resolution

• I may create a stronger relationship with another person

• I will have more peace of mind once I'm done with it.

Cons of dealing with a negative emotion

• It's painful

• It may not give me the result I want

• It will make me unhappy

There is no right or wrong, just look at pros and cons and decide whether you want to try to address it

Homework

When you are feeling down pick a strategy from the list above THAT YOU DON'T NORMALLY USE and see what happens.

Discussing situations that happened last week

Tips for communicating with a person

Conflict resolution vs practicing emotional intelligence.

It is much harder to figure out how to resolve conflict between to people in real life. The first step is role play between one of the people in the conflict and an emotionally intelligent observer whose goal is to just empathize - understand the feelings and the needs of the other person.

The attacker and the attacked.

No mater who you are sympathize with, the attacker needs to be dealt with first because they will keep attacked until they are feeling heard.

Feel the feelings!

It is crucial to FEEL the feelings when you imagine yourself being the person. Just asking words without experiencing them will not allow the person to feel empathized and gotten.

Don't tell the person what they feel, ask!

We need to continuously check what feelings and needs a person experiences. Avoid TELLING them what they feel. You don't know.

Pain vs. Suffering

What is the difference between pain and suffering? There is physical and emotional pain, and there is suffering.

Below are explanations by participants:

• Suffering is a long lasting pain

• Suffering is a subjective experience of pain, personal reaction to pain

• Pain is a noun, suffering is a verb. Suffering is the process of feeling pain

• Pain is the feeling and suffering is the outward projection of that feeling

• Suffering shows up in our actions

• Some people are empowered through their pain (for example, they try to accomplish something, like a physically strenuous activity or a difficult conversation and it's painful) For them pain is not suffering.

• Suffering is the feeling of being a victim of the pain. The opposite of feeling empowered by pain.

What is the difference between "I am suffering" and "I am hurting"?

• Hurting feels more temporary?

Homework

Note when you are in pain, when you are hurting and when you are suffering

Stages of empathy

Slavery

Prioritizing other person's needs. Fear and guilt, dependent on other feelings

How can I tell him I am tired if he asked me to go out with me?!

Rebellion

Prioritizing my own needs, neglecting the needs of the other.

I don’t want to go anywhere. Deal with it.

Liberation

We empathize with another person AND respect our needs

(VS BUT)

I know how much fun it would be for you if we go out today, and I am really tired. Can we stay inside and play some fun game instead?

Notes

• Don't use BUT when saying "I know it's important for you, BUT I need ...." it invalidates and diminishes what's important for the other person. Use AND instead.

• If one person is a rebel towards another, it doesn't mean the other is an emotional slave to the first one. We have our subjective understanding of the importance of our feelings and needs vs the other person's.

Getting a no

Sometimes the other person can not accommodate our needs. For example if you came to the city to hang out with your friend but the friend has previous commitments.

How do we deal with them unable to go out with us?

We can interpret their no as they don't care enough to change their plans. This is not a healthy way to interpret because it implies that we focus on how important we are to the person compared to their other priorities. It's a lose - lose situation. A much better approach (thanks, Taly) is to have trust that the person will do whatever they can to meet with us, and if they can't it doesn't mean they don't care.

If there is no trust we will constantly doubt that the person cares about us and it will poison ours and their lives.

REALLY difficult conversations

What if you are in a situation when you want to meet with a dear friend but your friend doesn't think you are so dear to them and they are blatantly straight with you. For example:

A: "I am in town, let's meet!!!"

B: "Yeah... I'll try, but I don't really have time, today, or tomorrow"

This conversation may stop right here, but it doesn't have to. Every communication is a gift, an insight into somebody's feelings and needs. It may continue like this:

A: "I feel sad because it seems like you don't put any efforts in meeting with me, and to have your attention and appreciation is important to me"

B: "You are right, I am not putting any effort. I am doing it because I am pretty bored to hang out with you, you are always talking about yourself"

A: "It looks like your need for self expression is not being met when we hang out"

B: "Yeah..."

A: "I feel humiliated and disrespected when I hear that you are bored hanging out with me. I really want to be appreciated by you, you are a very important and dear friend to me"

B: "I hear you"

It is not clear that this will actually change things, but the point here, we don't need to stop, we can continue having a dialog, understand our feelings and needs that come out during the dialog and maybe something good will come out of it. Even if they will no longer be friends, they will feel understood and gotten by each other.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

1. When feeling down pick a coping strategy that's different from the ones you usually use

2. Notice when you are in pain, when you are hurting and when you are suffering

3. Notice situations during your week that's worth discussing in the next class