EI for Young Adults: Discussion 45

Not taking a no for an answer

Sometimes we think that the other person's decisions is impulsive and is not supporting the person. We want them to think things through, to get to their senses, but by doing so we may make the person even more defensive. When is a no a no?

When somebody is emotional reason doesn't work, pushing your agenda doesn't work. The first thing you need to do is empathize and respect the decision that the person is making, even if you disagree with it. 

Things that don't work:

• "You are making an impulsive decision. You experience intense emotions and are not aware of what's best for your right now"

• "I need to understand why you are making this decision" (remember it's not about your understanding, it's the other person's decision)

Once you show respect and understanding you can try to ask: 

• "Are you open to talking more about your decision, or you are set on it right now?"

• "Are you in the space to explore your decision?"

• "I am curious what made you come to this decision". (And actually be curious, not manipulative or having an intention to change it)

By allowing people stick to their decision, and removing resistance, you give space for them to question it, rather than stand their ground.

Whose best interest do you have?

It helps to ask yourself: where is the resistance to the other person's decision come from? Is it because you are not getting what you want, or is it because you think the person will suffer as a result? If it's about you, it's not fair to push your agenda on another person. If it's about them, you would still have to give them space to stick to their decision

Is reason always better than emotion?

We always think that cool head is better than emotional decision. But why does it have to be so? Emotional decisions is our body response to what's happening to us, it may very well be the best thing for us, it's intuitive. We can rationalize anything and without emotions we would never make up our mind.

Your decision is impulsive!

A invited B for a few days to spend time with her family. Because logistics was complicated and confusing, B felt overwhelmed and didn't feel like going anymore. A didn't want to accept B's refusal to go and kept insisting that B should change her mind. That made B even more defensive.

B feels: frustrated, overhwhelmed, disrespected

B needs: Clarity, communication, autonomy, respect

A feels: confused, frustrated

A needs: self expression, appreciation, control, being valued as a friend

B's need for being respected  and trusted wasn't met, B didn't feel heard and her decision was invalidated. A felt not valued by B's impulsive decision and not prioritizing their friendship.

A was sure that B's emotion will subside and B will regret her decision, so she kept insisting, but it only made B more defensive. 

Being open about feelings and needs and discussing them may help friends to reconnect. (And it did!)