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Discussing situations
Discussing situations
When are you getting out of the shower?!
When are you getting out of the shower?!
My sister and I are going through challenging time related ty our parents divorcing. We have a lot of conflicts about things that are not that important.
Younger sister: When are you getting out of the shower?
Older sister: Whenever I am ready
Younger sister: I hate you!
Younger sister feels: ignored, angry, let down, disrepsected
Younger sister needs: closeness, respect, consideration
Older sister feels: annoyed
Older sister needs: space, order
Considering both sisters are in a challenging position and the real reason for their frustration is not the shower it makes sense to address each other needs:
Older sister: I know how hard it is for us to share bathroom or depend on each other in some other ways, I know how upset you sometimes get when I am not giving you what you need or when I am ignoring you. I am sorry for how you feel. We are going through difficult family time and it's important that we are together in this, that we stay close to each other and support each other. I love you, and I'll do my best to avoid conflicts and I invite you to do the same. Sharing bathroom is always going to be annoying but we can get passed these things, right?
Mom, can you stop scheduling my appointments?
Mom, can you stop scheduling my appointments?
My mom doesn't trust me to take care of my health and schedules appointments at the time that doesn't work for me, and also she comes to all of these appointments and it bothers me.
A: Mom, can you stop scheduling my appointments? I am 18, I can take care of my health
Mom: I don't think you can make these important decisions about your health by yourself, I need to be there for you and to support you, you are my child.
A feels: angry, violated, victimized
A needs: personal growth, trust, respect, independence
Mom feels: concerned, worried
Mom needs: peace of mind, understanding, cooperation
Some situations can not be addressed perfectly, but the fact of recognizing each other's feelings and needs AND SHOWING to the other person that their needs are recognized can make a huge difference for relationship.
A: Mom, I know that you are concerned about my health and you want to be on top of what's going on, thank you for caring about me so much. I just want to say that it is important for me to become an independent adult who is able to take care of themselves. When you keep making appointments for me it doesn't teach me to take care of myself. How about I schedule appointments myself and I will collect your questions and concerns and address them myself during the appointment?
Mom: I see that your independence is important to you, I respect that. And some decisions may have a big impact and it may be unwise to learn on the mistakes this way because it may have a long term impact on you. How about I'll let you take care of things that are not as important, and when the decision is extermely important, can you still involve me? It will be really hard for me to forgive myself if something goes wrong because I wasn't involved in the right time.
Providing emotional support
Providing emotional support
Often we are dealing with situations when people around us need emotional support, for example they feel they are failing at school or dealing with a hard breakup. How do we give emotional support?
Here are some suggestions in the order of importance.
Empathize. Your feelings are valid. Even if you disagree with the judgement the person has for themselves (I am so stupid!) you can still empathize with how it may feel to see yourself as someone stupid. "I can see how upset you must be thinking that you are not smart."
It's okay to feel the way you feel. Sometimes people expect to stop feeling bad right away. The reality is they need to process their emotions, they need the space to feel what they feel. It may help to tell them that what they feel is what they should be feeling in the moment, and it's okay.
Empower. People have resources needed to deal with their challenges. This is an assumption you can make. With this assumption you will have trust that a person will have resources to figure out their challenges. You can help them by saying: "I am here for you, you are not alone, and I trust you'll find a way to deal with this challenge". If they still don't know what to do, ask them a tricky question: "I get you don't know what to do about this situation, but if you knew, what would you do?" or "if somebody else was in your shoes and you were to help them, what would you say?"
Help a person reframe, find positive sides. Not everybody who is successful was great at their school work, it doesn't mean anything that this specific subject is hard for you.
Find positive in the struggle. if you always have easy time, you won't grow, you won't mature. You need struggles and challenges and failures to become wiser and to grow.
Have things in perspective. I can see how it seems like the end of the world for you right now, but it is not. Your distress will be over some day.
Help people remove the trigger. Sometimes people are triggered by comparing to others. It may help to change their focus on themselves, and comparing themselves before and after, "See how much you've grown, and people are all different, it doesn't help to compare to them for your self validation". It may be the opposite scenario, a person is seeing that they have digressed and it really upsets them, move their focus on others. "We all have waves of ups and downs, and look at others, some people have so much stuff to deal with, you are fine compare to them"
Give advice. Sometimes people really need actionable advice. Make sure to give it after you empathize and empower.
Remember, you are making a difference! Maybe it may not seem that your words made a difference, remember that you still do, the effect may not be immediate. By being there with a person, in their space, getting them and their emotions, you are making a difference.
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