EI for Young Adults: Discussion 6

Discussing situations

I called her Hannah because she looked like Hannah

Campfire singing

Girls in the cafe ignoring me

Don't tell the others that I was complaining!

Addressing mixed signals

Discussing situations

I called her Hannah because she looked like Hannah

I called a girl on a team Hannah because she looks like Hannah. Now the girl seems to ignore me. How do I have a conversation about it?

Approach 1: Using Humor.

"Sorry I called you Hannah, you just look like one, your parents should have named you Hannah"

Using humor removes extra significance and drama. Assuming the other person has a sense of humor it's a really effective way to communicate and bring up uncomfortable issues.

Approach 2: Establish connection with a small talk, then bring it up

Find the right moment and talk about something and then bring it up. This is an easier way than just starting with a heavy talk.

Campfire singing

I left campfire with my accordion because it was boring, then my wife approached me and said how angry she was that I left her alone to entertain the singers.

There are three stages of empathy. I felt rebellious, righteous, focused on my feelings and needs and it didn't let me empathize.

Understanding feelings and needs of the other person and expressing them would allow me to express mine as well:

"I understand that you are angry because you didn't get the support that you needed from me at the time. Is this how you feel?"

After I get an agreement, I can express my feelings. "The thing is, I was bored because I didn't enjoy and didn't have any fun singing these songs"

Girls in the cafe ignoring me

I used to be friends with these girls but then I realized that I am not really benefiting from their company so I became very passive. The other day in the cafe they completely ignored me.

Intention. It's important to understand the intention of communication. For example:

Re-establish friendship. This may not be needed since I don't really want to be good friends with them.
Closure. I want to understand why they are ignoring me
Practicing emotional intelligence in an uncomfortable situation. Just having a conversation for the sake of challenging myself.

In any case, how do I go about the conversation?

Use humor. Humor is achieved by exaggerating responses. "Oh my god, you are not talking to me? I am heartbroken!" This will likely cause smiles on their faces and remove some drama from the situation. Notice how it's different from saying "Just saying hi wouldn't hurt, you know?" because it will immediately be perceived as an attack and will escalate the situation.

Start with a small talk. Ask a simple question, and if I am still ignored bring it up in some way.

Closure is overrated. Just don't have a conversation. Who needs closure, I'll find other people to talk to.

Don't tell the others that I was complaining!

There are 5 roommates. Three are friends, the two more are new. One of the new ones complains that they feel left out by the group of three and asks not to tell the others.

What should I do?

Suggestion 1. Respect the wishes. If they asked not to tell, don't. You can still invite them to join.

Suggestion 2. Tell them. There is a need to be included, which is more important than the need to look good. Also you can present it as it's your idea, and not talk about the other person's conversation at all.

Humor

Using humor is a very effective way to alleviate tension. When we use humor the other person stops being defensive because they don't see our communication as an attack.

Humor removes significance and drama. When things are funny they are no longer dramatic.

There are several ways to apply humor:

Say something you wouldn't normally say. "Your parents should have named you Hannah"
Exaggerate your response. "I am so heartbroken right now, I need a drink"
Laugh at yourself. Be open about your embarrassment. "Having gone to the middle school with you, I should have learned your name by now"
Play a different role matching the situation. Your friend tells you: "next time you are going to be late can you just text me?" And you reply "Yes, mother". Or when your friends ignore you in the cafe, you play a 7 year old. "So, you are ignoring me, huh? FFFINE. I am going to eat this whole apple by myself and don't even dream of asking me to share!"

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: How else can we add humor to a conversation?

Decision making

How do we make decisions?

Doubting ourselves. This is a useful strategy when we are afraid to make the wrong choice, so we double checking our intentions
Put a lot of thought in a decision making. While it's important to think about pros and cons, thinking never helps making a decision because we need to FEEL if a decision is good or bad. There was a study of people who couldn't feel things, they spent hours deciding what to eat for breakfast.
Feel our choices and see which ones "feel better"
Use combination of the above

Wrong decision

What is a wrong decision? Since we don't live in parallel realities this concept may not even exist since we don't get to live through two decisions. On the other hand, sometimes it's clear that something is a wrong decision, for example gambling away all your money.

We can be empowered about making a wrong decision instead of regretting it. For example

Without mistakes we will never learn anything
Every wrong decision is a learning opportunity
Every decision can lead to something good
I am not afraid of making wrong decisions because I'll get out of it, I'll make something out of it

Mixed signals

Sometimes our requests result in mixed signals. A mixed signal means a person is conflicted about accepting or declining our request. We can help them to get more clarity and feel better about their response. Here are some ways to address a mixed signal response.

Addressing mixed signals

Sometimes it is hard to address the mixed signals, if a person was comfortable telling you their concern they would already, so keep in mind that you may not NEED to address their concerns, but at least acknowledge them.

Step 1. Acknowledge a mixed signal

Point to a mixed signal (“you said yeah, sure, but you didn’t sound too excited..?”)
Humor (Looks like you REALLY want to go, huh?)
Is there something that concerns you?

Step 2. Get their response

If you create a safe space (for example let them understand that you are okay with whatever response they have) you can get them to express their concerns.

Step 3. Acknowledge their concerns

Make sure the other person sees that you understood

“Yeah, i can see how you may really want to read a book instead of going to the movie”

Step 4. Give a choice

It would really mean a lot to me if you go with me, but it’s really up to you, I want you to do what’s best for you.

Step 5. Be ok with the choice

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