EI for Young Adults: Discussion 29

Co-dependency

Co-dependency is feeling responsible for the other person's feelings and needs, with our state depending on their state. This creates "a savior" complex - we stop setting boundaries and acknowledging our feelings and needs, we prioritize the other person's feelings and needs, because when they are unhappy we are unhappy.

This frequently happens between parents and children. A parent can be dependent on the child's state and mood, and do whatever they can to make them feel better. It can go the other way as well, especially with children growing up they may start feeling dependent on their parent's moods and focus what's best for the parent, not for themselves. This may also happen between partners in a relationship.

Co-dependency is not healthy and may lead to mental disorders. It is important to recognize that there is co-dependency and remember that each adult is responsible for fulfilling their needs, including you! 

Book: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattle

Dependency on other people approval

As young adults we often find ourselves deriving our self worth from the other people opinions of us. We feel like it's wrong and we should be more independent but somehow it's very hard. It's possible that there is an evolutionary purpose in young adults and teenagers being so dependent on the opinion of their peers. We need to be included in society and community. As children we have our families but once we start leaving the nest, the need to be accepted and included is almost biological. Think about it, all those independent thinkers who couldn't care less about other people opinion may have had a lower chance of survival because community is so important for survival. So the ones who are left have a huge drive to fit in. As we grow older and our survival is not so dependent on others we become more indenependent and derive our self worth from the things other than people's opinions.

Reading non-fiction

Why do we postpone reading books, especially non-fiction books? It's likely we have stories that disempower us, such as:

“I am not ready” 

“I have to have a lot of free time to be committed to this”

“I don’t have time” 

“It's hard to find a book that’s interesting, need to go through dozen of “

“Fiction is considered low level” 

"When I read non-fiction, I have to have a notebook near me, and understand everything"

Consider that you may completely change your relationships to non-fiction books if you change your stories, for example:

"Non fiction is about real stuff, and reality may be even more interesting than imagination"

"I don't have to have a lot of time, one page a day is enough"

"I don't have to understand everything. I am getting whatever I am supposed to be getting"

"There are exciting ideas there and I am eager to see what will stick"

I don't know what to read!

Nobody wants to waste time reading a book and realizing it's a waste of time, in the middle of it. But it's not the reason to stop reading altogether! We just need to find a more effective strategy to find the books to read. Here are some ideas:

• Use goodreads.com

• Use people who match your taste and ask them

• Ask ChatGPT or a similar AI, give it the list of your favorite books and ask what else you can read

• Find a way to scan the book without committing to it, for example, reading the content table