EI for Young Adults: Discussion 39

Communication needs

We put a lot of energy and attention into how to communicate people effectively, so that they get us, so that our communication comes accross. However we also have needs when we communicate and we don't always pay attention to them.

For example, slowing down. When I communicate to people I feel a tremendous pressure to think on the spot and respond right away. This doesn't really work for me.

It takes a lot of mindfulness to recognize your communication needs. We want to see these needs as something that works for us, makes our lives happier. We don't want to be ashamed or suppress these needs. So, if you can identify your communication need, make sure to share it with people, along with your feelings and making a request, for example:

When I usually talk to you I feel rushed to come up with an answer right away. It makes me anxious and overwhelmed. I need time to slow down. So when we talk, and you noticed a long pause, please have patients that I am processing my response in the speed that works for me. And if you notice that I am trying to match your speed of communication, please remind me to slow down.

I don't like how I am

Recently I started noticing how I am responding or behaving in a way that I dislike. It's like I am playing a role that I don't like.

There are three options:

1. Keep things the same. Everything changes, and at some point this too may go away.

2. Change it. Notice what specific behaviors you don't like about yourself and put an effort into changing your environment or your responses. This takes a lot of energy

3. Find out why you do what you do. Be curious about why you do what you do, usually it has to do with a part of you that you may not respect or value. For example, if I make stupid jokes with my classmates and then feel bad about it, I can recognize that the part that was driving me is to be accepted, and it's important for me to be accepted by my peers. Once I recognize who is in charge of my behavior I may look for other "less harmful" behaviours that would fulfill the need of this part.

Feeling too much

As young adults sometimes we are overwhelmed by our emotions. Our emotions seem amplified and it's really hard to control them or even be with them. First, remember that the rational part of a young adult's brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so.

In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part.

In young adult's brains, the connections between the emotional part of the brain and the decision-making center are still developing—and not always at the same rate. That’s why when young adults have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling.

What may help:

1. Remember that nothing is wrong with you, it's part of your brain development

2. Sleep! Good sleep is critical for young brain development, treat yourself to a good night sleep!

My friend is leaving far away 

Somebody who I like a lot and study with is going to be living far away from me. I want to be in touch with her, but I am afraid to show up like I want more than to be friends. 

There are two separate intentions in a potential conversation with your friend.

1. How to maintain communication. For example, exchanging phone numbers

2. How to express what you feel about the person before they go away

It is important in what order you fulfill your intentions. It is better to casually ask to exchange phone numbers mentioning that you are going to live far apart and want to keep in touch. Then when you express how you feel about the person there is no more hidden agenda, just saying what you think, for example,

I really enjoy talking to you and I think you are really cool, I love your energy and I admire you for who you are. Just wanted to tell you this.

Potential concerns:

The conversation above is pretty straightforward, but our mind may make a lot of drama about the situation:

1. I can't maintain long distance relationships. You don't know whether you will enjoy being in touch with this person living far away, why create problems before they appear?

2. Expressing affection through words is embarrassing. If your intention is to express what you feel, not to get a person to like you, then what does it matter if you embarrass yourself? 

3. My friend doesn't need my friendship. Maybe your friend has a lot going on and you are much less important for her than she is for you. It is possible, then your friendship won't be as durable. So then you'll end it. But at least give it a try. We don't want to have hope for relationships, in order to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. But by doing this we don't give a relationship a chance.