EI for Young Adults: Discussion 25

Traveling with a parent

Sometimes you go to a vacation with your parent and nothing quite works out. You want one thing, they want another thing, you constantly trigger each other and just wish for the trip to be over. How to break out of this vicioius cycle?

Here are some suggestions:

Have an honest conversation. Everybody is waiting for the other person to say something, be the first one to say it! "Mom, I know things are not going great on this vacation, we get upset at each other, and we have only few days left. We really don't want to regret how we are spending time together. Let's figure it out, brainstorm what we can do to minimize triggers and upsets and to make our experience as fulfilling as positive"
Understand your triggers and communicate them. "Whenever you try to convince me to do something with you I feel powerless and I shut down. I know you are trying to get us to be together, but it only alienates me from you. I would also like to know what in my behavior triggers you, and how I can do less of these things, to make our lives easier?"
Cope. This is a temporary situation, maybe instead of trying to fix it bear with it, knowing that it will be over soon.

I can't study for the test!

I've been feeling very tired lately. This may have to do with the test that's coming which I resist preparing. I feel drained, tired and guilty for not preparing for it.

Sometimes it helps to understand the source of resistance. For example, it could be that I don't understand material. It wasn't delivered to me in a way that works for me.

Do I feel like a victim? Do I feel out of control, blaming others (my professor) for not explaining it to me well enough? See previous discussions about victim here and here

Am I asking the right question? You may spend weeks trying to answer the wrong question, for example, "why do I hate studying so much?" And you will find great answers but they may not help you studying. The question that may help you studying is "How can I figure out the material?" "What gaps do I have in my understanding?" "What do I need to put in place to prepare for my test?"

Sometimes it's hard to find self motivation, in which case it helps to think about structure and support.

Structure and Support

If achieving the goal is important to you, relying on your willpower may not be the best way to go. Consider adding structure and support.

Structure allows you to avoid spending extra energy on things important to you. It's about making it convenient to pursue your goal.

Examples:
1. Have specific times allocated for doing your task. Find a place that has no distractions, like a library
2. Make sure you have everything you need for the time when you are going to work on your task, so you have no reasons to procrastinate

Support is about having others push you towards you goal, instead of relying solely on yourself.

Examples:
1. Have a study buddy, attend a group preparation.
2. Ask somebody to follow up with you, tell your friends about your goals, so you are not the only one who knows about what you are up to.

Ultimately creating structure and support is a creative process. Learn from others, learn from yourself - when you are effective at doing things, what structure do you use? Try and see what sticks

Anger

Anger is an impulse, an urge to fight. Some people feel their anger in excessive amounts and may have hard time controlling it. Other people don't allow themselves to experience anger, they suppress it.

Anger is a natural response when our boundaries are violated, or our needs are not met. There is nothing wrong with anger. It's a powerful energy that can make us alive and active.

Feeling anger

If anger is not something you experience often, pay attention to when you get angry, and celebrate your experience! I am angry! I can feel anger! Then try to notice where in your body you feel anger. Is it the heat in your arms or legs? Is your throat tight? Is your chest rising?

Expressing anger

Any energy needs a way out. How do you express or process your anger so it's not destructive to others and to yourself?

Here are some suggestions:

Move. Let your body deal with anger by movement
Breathe. Find calming breathing techniques that work for you.
Cry, hit something
Rationalize. Process your anger, understand where it comes from and what needs are not being met, journal, talk to yourself or a friend.
Find creative ways to express your anger. Paint, play or listen to music.

Best friend

Our society puts a lot of stress on having best friends. However best friends is something that's very subjective and may mean a lot of different things:

A best friend is someone who brings my best qualities
A best friend is someone who is there for me at 4AM at night
A best friend is someone is better than my other friends
A best friend is someone who meets all or some of my needs.

Not everybody has a best friend. And those who have may have an amazing intimate relationships or may have mediocre relationships or may actually suffer from the relationship. There are best friends that make us feel like we are in abusive relationships with them.

Some best friends can be one-sided. One person thinks of the other as their best friend, but the other person doesn't think so.

As young people we don't always know who we are and what we want, so we end up in friendships or romantic relationships that may not really work for us, but we keep lying to ourselves that this is exactly what we want, and it may take some time to see the truth and the reality of our friendships.

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