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Victim
Victim
Being a victim
Being a victim
Often we find ourselves being a victim in a conversation with another person. When we feel treated unfairly, unjust, disrespectfully, we get into a self-righteous state, when we can no longer empathize with another person because we are hurting. What can we do in a situation like this?
Here are the steps that may help:
Recognize being a victim. A victim shows up as one ore more of the following
I am being blamed
The other person is clearly wrong
I am right
I feel hurt, furious, resentful
Not in control
Recognize your needs that are not being met. The negative emotions that we experience being a victim is a sign of our needs not being met. What are those needs? It may help to see them by answering the following question
"What kind of a person would I be if I didn't feel the way I feel?"
For example, somebody says that I didn't do my part of the project, while I sure did my part. I feel infuriated by this comment. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't feel infuriated when somebody tells me I didn't do my job? I'd be somebody who doesn't care when others are stepping over them. But I do care! So, I have a need for respect that is not being met.
Validate your need and your feelings. Before demanding the other person to recognize your need and your feelings, validate it yourself. "Yes, I have a right to feel infuriated, I need to be respected!" This step is very important because otherwise we can't be there for others, we can't hear others until we are being heard. By validating my needs and my feelings I create the experience of being heard.
Find the need that would allow you to start listening to the other person. What is important to you besides respect? It could be success (of the project), relationship (with the other person), connection, love, respect (to the opinion of the other person). This will allow you to start a conversation and HEAR the other person.
"I can see how you may feel upset because you think I didn't do my part. Why do you think I didn't do my part, I am curious?"
Once you hear the other person, you can express your needs and your feelings. Now that the other person feels heard they will be able to hear you
Sometimes you may be too emotional to deal with another person. It's okay, you don't have to address the situation right away.
Take a timeout. Tell the other person that you are unable to have the conversation right now and you need to cool off. Remember, you are responsible for getting back to them. The worst thing you can do is to tell them you are unable to have the conversation right now and never get back to it. The other person will stop trusting that you care resolving any issues.
Remember, even if you mess up, you an always repair! Even if you did the worst thing you could possibly do, have trust that with right communication you can clean it up and repair the damage. This trust will allow you to be more human and to express your feelings more, instead of being mortally afraid to say something that will damage relationships forever. Of course you don't want to walk around hurting people, so it's up to you where the boundary is.
Dealing with a victim
Dealing with a victim
Sometimes we find ourselves dealing with somebody who feels like a victim - blaming you, feeling like they don't have a choice or control over their environment, feeling hurt or resentful. How do we communicate with a person who is in a victim state?
Recognize that the other person is in a victim mode
Help person understand their feeling and need
Validate their feelings and needs
Take responsibility for how your communication might have made them feel. Sometimes it's hard to take responsibility for the other person feeling like a victim. If you feel resentful, it's possible that you may need to look at your unmet needs and feelings and validate them. You may also be in a victim mode! In this case address your own state first!
Empathize and apologize. If you are able to go passed being a victim, assume that you are responsible for how your communication lands to people (if you say I have no control how they perceive my communication, you become a victim again!) Apologize for how your communication made them feel, allow yourself to feel their pain and their frustration and express it so they know you know what it feels like
Express your own feelings and needs if you need to
Both victims
Both victims
Sometimes both people feel like victims and blaming each other. For example I want to go watch action movie with my friends but my partner is not interested, and because I don't want my partner to stay alone I feel like I have to sacrifice going to the movies. I feel like a victim. And my partner may feel like a victim because they feel like it's more important for me to hang out with my friends and do stupid stuff instead of spending quality time with my partner. Both people would feel upset and offended at each other and self righteous.
Remember, you always need to address your victim first before you try to deal with a victim. If you are defensive, hurt or resentful, you trying to listen to the other will be inauthentic. You want to recognize your own victim and validate your own feelings and needs before you can deal with the other person feeling like a victim.
Discussing situations
Discussing situations
I can't afford going to an expensive restaurant!
I can't afford going to an expensive restaurant!
I want to go to an expensive restaurant with my friends and one of my friend is upset that they can't come with us because they can't afford it.
Role play:
A: I am rally upset you are going to these restaurants and I can't afford to go. Can't you choose some place where we can all hang out?
B: But I want to experience fancy food! We can include you some other time!
A feels: excluded, upset, disrespected, jealous, betrayed
B feels: Bitter, insecure, frustrated, resentful, dismissive
A needs: to matter.
Knowing what A needs, here is how the conversation could go:
B: I can see how you may feel betrayed by my choice to go to an expensive restaurant and not including you. I am really sorry for making you feel this way. You do matter to me and I really enjoy hanging out with you. I am sorry that sometimes there are other things that I do that are important to me that you can't participate in.
Responsibility
Responsibility
My friend kept promising me that she learned her part but during the performance she messed up and made me look really bad. I kept checking with her and nothing helped. What could I have done?
The reason two people are not always do their 100% is because they may have different priorities / needs / values. For you the main thing may be to do things perfectly and for your friend it may be to have fun, which implies if she doesn't learn her lines nothing really bad will happen.
What may help is to communicate your needs clearly and try to understand your friend's needs. If you see that there is mismatch in these needs and you can see how the whole thing may not go the way you'd like to, be creative and come up with something that would fulfill both your and your friend's needs. For example, bring up the need for excellence, and how much fun it would be to shine in that performance, and to surprise everybody with the perfect performance. You should really listen to your friends values and priorities and see how her learning her lines may address some of those values.
What if it doesn't help? Let's say your friend doesn't give a @#$ about the performance. Then you can micromanage. Now it's not longer about motivation, it's about execution. Be the annoying one, schedule rehearsals every day, call your friend twice a day and ask her to tell you the lyrics, etc. Make sure to communicate how important for you to have the perfect performance. It's likely you may lose this friend, but if the success of the project is the most important thing you may get it done.
Ultimately, if you are responsible for a project, you will do whatever it takes for it to succeed. And if you think you can't rely on others, then don't rely on them.
Why is it so important to you? Maybe it's time to question your values and priorities and instead of having your friend's values match yours, maybe adjust yours. What's going to happen if you mess up? Is this really the end of the world? Does it really matter? What if I also have fun, just like my friend and we are on the same page?
Time management
Time management
I am always late. I feel bad that others can't trust me in terms of time. How can I change that?
First recognize that this is a problem. People have different relationship to time. For some people there is an internal clock in their head and they know exactly how much time they have and how much time they need. Some people are so concern about being an inconvenience to others that they make sure they are always early, so that nobody waits for them. Some people think that they have plenty of time and try to fill it and then realize that they filled it too much and now they are running late. And some people lose track of time altogether and find themselves being late.
There is nothing wrong in any of that. It just is. The main point is to recognize YOUR patterns and your relationship to time and create structures in place that would support you.
For example. If I know I am always late, I can tell my friends to fool me and tell me that I need to be somewhere 1 hour earlier. Or I can remember what my tendencies and patterns are and put up reminders to not fall into my tendencies. Like "there is no time!" sticky note everywhere.
Maybe you are late because you perceive time as abundant. Oh, I have whole 5 minutes before I need to leave. This is plenty to cook some rice. What you are doing is using your abundant time, so now you no longer have that abundance. Just like if you had $10K, do you really have to spend every penny? If you spend every penny you will no longer have abundance of money. If you spend every minute you will no longer have abundance of time. Allow yourself to experience the abundance of time by KEEPING the abundance and not filling every minute, so you lose it all.
Here are some external resources:
Time blindness - search on google, here is the top link
The relevant video from Huberman Lab is below.
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