EI for Young Adults: Discussion 24

I am not looking forward to tomorrow

I am dreading tomorrow because I am not looking forward to going to an event and then don't want to have people in my house.

Sometimes we have nothing to look forward to, our tomorrow looks like a doom's day. It is important to understand that our future defines how we feel in the present. Imagine waiting for something great to happen, a date, for example, your anticipation of the future event will make you really happy. And on the opposite, if what is about to happen is going to be bad we are feeling bad in the present.

What do we do when our future doesn't have anything good to offer us?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Reframe: Since I already have such low expectations, it's likely whatever will happen tomorrow will be better than I think it will, so tomorrow I'll feel better because the even will exceed my expectations

2. Find something to look forward to. Future is long, it offers all kinds of tings, good and bad. Think of something that's pleasant and focus on that . May be you can find time to read an interesting book, or hang out with a friend.

3. What are you manifesting? If you remember that everything you say, everything you imagine is a direction for your mind to start moving that imagined reality, you may see that by imagining the worst day tomorrow you are likely moving towards it. Just tell yourself, no matter what happens, I am going to have a great time, or I am going to learn something valuable, or something will become possible.

Getting dry texts

I wrote an elaborate text to a friend, but in return I got a dry few word text. I got discouraged about writing any more texts. I notice it specifically in communication with males.

It is very frustrating to put in your soul in writing something, to get back a dry "okay". What need is not being met when this happens? Reciprocity? Sharing?  See if you can communicate this need to another person, let them know how it makes you feel when you get dry texts from them and what need is not being met. "When I put so much of me in my text and get just a few words from you I feel frustrated and bitter because I need to know that my communication is as meaningful for you as it is for me. I would appreciate if you put more effort into your responses. And if it's not something that you can or want to do, maybe you can let me know some other way that our communication is meaningful to you?"

Of course this may make you look like someone needy and it's not what you want to show to the other person. In this case it may help to try to reframe your story. Instead of saying "they don't care about communicating to me" you can say "their texts is not necessarily the expression of how they feel about our communication" or "Some people are unable to write eloquently"  

Standing up for yourself

My classmate took my seat in the class. I used to not able to stand up for myself and I would quietly go somewhere else, but at some point I decided that I am going to stand up for myself. I told them that it was my seat and I didn't leave, so eventually my classmate gave in.

I understand that this may damage my relationship with my classmate or other classmates, who may find me too aggressive. But at this point of my life it's important to show that I wanted to be treated with respect. I want to set my boundaries.

Kudos on standing up for yourself! Especially if it's something that was not possible to do when you were younger. Someone may say that it's not good to be aggressive when standing up for yourself, this aggression may be temporary, because the part that was not treated fairly for so long is now fighting for itself and it may be louder at first, but eventually as its needs are being met it will be able to communicate its boundaries in a way that's less aggressive. At some point it wouldn't need to prove anything and may even allow somebody to use their seat, since it wouldn't make it mean that it's disrespected.

A big part of emotional intelligence is expanding our range of responses.  If it was hard for your to stand up for yourself and you are doing it, you are on the right path. If you were always assertive, taking care of your needs over the needs of others maybe it's time to start paying more attention to be a team-player.  It's about knowing that you have a choice in how you respond, rather than being run by your "people pleaser" part or "I come first" part.

What if confronting others turns into a physical fight? Is it still worth it?

It helps to understand that fight is a response to inability to express ourselves, especailly when we are very emotional. If one is able to communicate verbally it's unlikely it will turn into a fight. Fight comes from the part that feels so powerless and put down that there is nothing else available. If your confrontation is a result of a choice to recognize the part that is not being heard, it will not likely end up in a physical confrontation.

Another way to avoid confrontation, yet being able to stand up for yourself is using humor. Humor dis-armors others and you can get your point accross. 

When you find somebody in your seat you could say something like: "I see you took my seat. Thank you! I am also going to give you my lunch today since it looks like I am invisible anyway" I am sure you can think of something funnier...

Should we encourage introverts to talk?

Some introverts have hard time talking in group settings. Should they be encouraged to talk, or on the opposite, be left alone?

There are pros and cons for getting introverts to talk:

Pros:

• People don't really know them well since they never talk, encouraging them to talk will allow people to learn more about them

• Introverts need more practice to socialize and encouraging them to talk, even though uncomfortable, will train them

Cons:

• There is nothing wrong with introverts. It doesn't mean they can't communicate, they just don't feel a need. If they want to say something they will. We do need to make sure to create the space for it,  make sure that talkative people don't take all the space.

Talking in front of others maybe a very traumatic experience. We need to be understanding and supportive of them when they talk and allow them to bail out if it gets too much for them.