EI for Young Adults: Discussion 9
Biggest emotional intelligence challenges
These are the top three challenges based on the survey (please fill it out if you haven't yet), in terms of the gap between how important the skill is and my ability to use this skill.
I can clearly express my feelings and needs and be responsible for my feelings and needs
I see and hear myself. I accept myself and respect myself. I love myself, understanding my limitations and my strengths.
I can correct and control my feelings in the face of changing circumstances and unknown
In terms of challenges expressing my feelings it depends on several things.
Understand my feelings. This can be a challenge in itself.
Express my feelings. This can be a challenge because even when I know WHAT I feel I may not know WHY I feel what I feel and sometimes the other person needs to understand why I am angry at them, for example.
Who I am expressing my feelings to. With some people I may be okay express my feelings but it may be difficult with others.
Self regulating when sad or down
In the past several days I didn't feel excited or like doing anything. It's possibly because of my temporary physical/hormonal state, but I am concerned that it's going to stay this way for long time.
It is disturbing when I don't know the root cause of my sadness. I want to feel that I am in control of my feelings, or at least understand the process. And when I can't explain it to myself or others I feel like it may be confusing to others.
Deal with it or wait?
The main question, do I wait and see if it gets better or I try to address the situation? It all depends, but in case I want to deal with the situation here are some tips from everybody:
Suggestions what to do when sad or down
Understand the elephant in the room. Think of some things that bring me down and imagine having dealt with each of them successfully, and see which one will make the depression go away. This is the elephant I need to deal with.
Examples of things that can bring you down:
disconnected from the idea of getting a job and building a career, because I am not doing what I want to be doing, and I don’t know where i am going
I’ll never connect to people. I push myself out of comfort zone to socialize and still not connecting
I'll never find things I truly enjoy
I keep learning some new skill and keep failing at it, get discouraged
Get excited about something small. Sometimes I know what causes my being down (the elephant) In this case staying away from the "big picture" and setting smaller goals helps. One step at a time.
Journaling helps understand thoughts. Feels like I am telling somebody.
Recording my self videos, and then reviewing them. It feels like I am talking to myself.
Putting things in perspective. When feeling hopeless. It helps to realize that most feelings are temporary, not permanent, that too will go away. And thinking that I’ll feel like that forever is wrong. Looking back and seeing the changes helps get out of that.
Distracting, pausing, putting it off.
From Triggers to Beliefs
So far we looked at feelings as an indicator of needs being met or not being met. This is a simplification that is very useful in order to act (by figuring the need and finding a way to meet this need). However it may not be introspective enough in terms of understanding the root cause of the feeling. The root cause is usually a belief - a generalization that we take as a fact, we don't question or doubt it. Once we recognize a belief we are able to question it and it stop ruling our life by making us always feel the same way about the situation.
The process is as follows:
Understand the trigger and how it makes you feel
Understand why you feel that way, the interpretation of the trigger that explains your feeling
Understand the belief that is framing this interpretation
Start questioning the belief.
Example 1. My friend is not responding to my text
Trigger: I texted my friend and they take forever to respond
Feeling: Fearful, anxious, embarrassed
Interpretation: They are abandoning me
To get to belief we ask this question: Imagine somebody else who sends a text and after not getting a response they interpret it differently not "they are abandoning me". Why do I interpret it this way?
Belief: “I am too much for people and sooner or later they will abandon me”
Beliefs work as self fulfilling prophecy. If I believe that sooner or later people will abandon me because I am too much I see this evidence, this proof every time I lose a connection with someone. AND I ignore the evidence that contradicts my belief, for example I still have friends who like me. Understanding your belief allows you to question it, start seeing these exceptions.
"Am I really too much for people?"
"Is everybody abandoning me?"
How the belief was originated. It helps to recognize that you were not born with this belief and you acquired it at some point. For example, if my parents told me that I am too much and overbearing I will sooner or later start believing them. Recognizing how the belief was created allows me to see a possibility of replacing it with something better.
Example 2. My friend is not responding to my text
Trigger: I texted my friend and they are not getting back to me
Feeling: Frustrated, abandoned, lonely
Interpretation: I can't express myself right now!
I can’t share what I am excited about, can’t express myself, makes me depart from that person
To identify the belief, imagine everybody else has the same friend who they are excited to share with, but not everybody would think that they can't express themselves right now when that friend doesn't get back to them right away. Why do you?
I care about what my friend has to say, and she will be excited for me
Belief: “There is nothing that can replace my friend”
Notice how this belief creates confirmation bias. When you friend talks to you, you always pay attention how great your experience is, and ignore any evidence when you friend may not create this great experience for you, because "There is nothing that an replace my friend". Questioning this belief allows you to start looking for possible replacements.
Even great beliefs have limitations. There is nothing wrong with having a belief that "nothing can replace my friend". It really strengthens friendship and creates a profound connection. But when you friend is not there you become dependent and unhappy because of this belief.
Example 3. They don't want to spend time with me
Trigger: I was waiting for a friend at lunch outside, as agreed, and then I see them sitting inside
Did I do something to mess this up?
Feeling: down, being hard on myself
Interpretation “I did something wrong, they don’t want to spend time with me”
Imagine somebody else finding there friend inside and not feeling that they did something wrong and that their friend doesn't want to spend time with them. Why do you interpret it this way?
Belief: “I need to be perfect to be accepted”
A lot of us have this kind of belief. And it's probably originated from our parents praising good job, comparing with other classmates who got better score on their tests, etc. It is great to identify a belief like this because now you can question it and stop putting so much pressure on yourself, because you can be accepted even if you are not perfect, even with your flaws.
Example 4. Get out of the kitchen!
Whenever I eat in the kitchen and somebody comes in, I feel very irritated.
Trigger: somebody coming into the kitchen while I eat
Interpretation 1: I don't have the space and time I need for myself.
Sometimes our interpretation is not quite right. Who would think they don't have space and time I need for myself? Somebody who has scarcity time and space for themselves. When I ask this question I realize that I have plenty of space and time for myself, so this is not it.
Interpretation 2: You are judging me!
Why do I feel that you are judging me?
Belief: I am always judged when I eat
Digital ethics
Just like there are unspoken rules of social interaction in person, there are now rules of interaction over text. Different people have different boundaries. Some expect you to answer right away if you are online, some feel like it's up to them to reply whenever they want to reply. This creates a lot of confusion and miscommunication.
Communicate your boundaries and expectations
It is important to openly communicate what your boundaries are and what you expect from the other person. Sometimes it gets tricky when one person has more investment in a relationship than the other one and they are afraid to look too "needy" if they start communicating their expectations.
Discussing situations
Asking a friend to let know if they are going to drop out of digital communication
Concern: what if they don't care about my request or think I am too needy? What if they find it too demanding? I don’t want them to think that I am more invested in relationship than he is. That I am limiting him.
Role play:
A: I'd like to ask you to let me know if you are leaving the conversation.
B: Hmm, okay...
Good requests (See details) contain feelings and needs, otherwise it's not clear why you are asking this. A better way to say would be:
A: I'd like to ask you to let me know if you are leaving the conversation, because otherwise I feel confused and I question whether I said something that offended you. I want us to have understanding and clarity and it would help if you tell me that you have to drop out.
Getting feedback
It is also important to let the other person express how your request made them feel, how they perceived your request. If they say "Hmm, okay", it leaves you questioning what they got. So it helps at the end to ask for a feedback.
A: What was it like for you to hear this from me?
