DETOURS

She is now 29 years old. After she got out of jail she went and got her GED and went to a Business Collage. She really needs your prayers for that as well. My Grandson who is 2 years old is my pride and joy! But also in this time away from God in 2002.

I made a mess up my relationship with my 2 half-brothers as well. I don't know what really started it, other then the oldest one Ben, he would stop by all the time and see what I was doing or if he could help me with something. I had taught him to drive and we were very close. He had moved to Oklahoma to go to school and he was also in the Army reserves. Last time I had seen him was Aug 2002 at my nephews wedding. I thought my relationship with him was fine so I thought, but was I wrong!

Then in Dec. I heard he was going to Iraq! I called my sister and asked her if she had an address to where we can write to Ben and she said she don't have it yet.

So I called Ben's mother and left a message on her answering machine.

A few days later my sister called me to tell me that Ben did not want me to write to him! That blew me away! I did not believe that for one minute! Ben was here at Christmas time I had seen and talked to him at the wedding! He spent a lot of time at my house with his brother when his mom needed a sitter when they were younger or when my dad was home visiting, my dad had even helped him moved down to Oklahoma. Now he did not want any thing to do with me or my dad. Was something I just could not understand and will never understand it. Ben has never told me why he never wanted me to write to him in the first place.

I just felt it was another lie from his mom keeping him away from us! So I called her up and left a nasty message on her answering machine. I had let my anger get the best of me. One I will regret every doing! Ben did call me from Fort Hood after he got my letter I sent to his old address and told me he will always believe what his mom is telling him and if we left his mom out then we could get along. I had no problem with that. He gave me his address to write him. I did write to him though he never write me back.

When he got out in Nov or Dec 2003 My sister called me and told me that Ben was coming over for Christmas dinner! I was so happy to hear that, she had all ready invited Sheila and I for dinner. My car was in the garage getting a new motor put in. Terri would have to drive 8 miles to get us. So I told her that was not right for her to leave the house to get us. That I would call and ask Ben if he could pick us up this would be doing my sister a huge favor!

Ben and I talked for a little bit then I asked him if he would mind picking Sheila and me up? He started to scram at me that is all you want from me a ride! All you is want something from us! I told him that was not so, I had never asked him for anything! Other then some help when I was moving. What I had done for him, did not matter that I taught him how to drive or took him to work and picked him up at midnight and not once asked him for gas money! I did it because I loved him!

Then he said he was not going if I was going! I knew Terri wanted to see him so I told him I would not go!

I called Terri crying and told her what happen, She called Ben and told him to forget it that this Christmas dinner was for Sheila and I and she would go pick us up and she didn't want him there! I had gone through so much that summer and with Sheila in Jail and we had just gotten her out. I had always had Christmas Eve dinner with my dad and Ben! So this was really hard for me.

My dad was in the hospital and just got home he did not feel up to going anywhere. I was in a lot of pain and packing since I was moving again. Terri thought it would be nice for a change and she do the Christmas dinner! Now I had ruined it with Ben!

I should have left it alone and let Terri come get me and let God do the repairing of this relationship! But instead I had to have my hand in it and I mess it up big time! I have not talked to my brother since then! It hurts so much! He had not even gone to see my dad at all in all this time.

The only thing I could think of that started all of this was his mother Bonnie,

She had called me Aug 2002, asked me how I was doing so I told her, I was having a lot of pain and telling her my problems with Sheila and she hung up on me! Now Ben don't want me to write to him when he left to go to Iraq then yell at me about needing a ride that is all I wanted was something from him!

I knew Bonnie had said something to him after she hung up on me. I never asked her for anything nor did I need anything from her all. I just told her how I was doing when she asked me, If she did not want to hear it then she should not have asked me!

Nor did I ask anything from his mother in a very long time. Matter of fact she called me when she needed a ride to the bus station she was going to see Ben in OK., and to be picked up at the bus station when she got back, as well as called me to pick her up when her car got wrecked!

That was in the summer of 2002! And she even thought I should kick Sheila out like she had kicked Andy out, Sheila was not Andy and I had to do what was best for my child and kicking her out was not in her best interest not at that time! So between her calling me then hanging up on me and my asking for Ben's address in Iraq She had said something to Ben an Andy and now they want nothing to do with me. No matter what I tell them that is the truth they will always believe the lies of their mother!

I was wrong in trying to justify every thing to Ben and Andy and trying to tell them the truth and defend my dad to them as well. That they were wrong on believing that my dad did not want to see them when they were younger.

I know my dad was not the best dad in the world, at least the boys did have to grow up with a dad that beat them, yes my dad did beat us. Let alone some of the other things my dad had done to me. But through God I was able to forgive him.

The boys never had to deal with that.

I was so hurt my all of this that I did not see the truth that God was trying to tell me. That it don't matter what other think or say of you, what matters is that God knows all the truth and he knows who is lying and who is telling the truth and yes we all have to stand before him someday! And pehaps there are times when the truth is better left unsaid. I really messed things up because I let my anger get the better of me.

I have nothing to hid from God for he knows my heart and knows how badly this has affected me. By just trying to get the truth out. And yes at one point that I did mention below I did use this site to hurt Ben for leaving my dad out of his wedding. God knew my heart and let me know it.

I am not taking that out, because it part of the life's lesson. We all have said and things we are ashamed of. This is what I had done, my brothers made it clear to me they believe their mom over me.

It is all out in the open now, I will finish the lesson that God has taught me as to what happens when we get off tracked with him. This is a very painful lesson for me.

Now that it is Aug 2008 my aunt called me to tell Ben was getting married and it was in that paper and they left out my dad's name! That hurt me so much I was crying. I called my brother-in-law and asked him if dad had read the paper yet, he told me not yet, I then told him what Ben did, So Chuck pulled it out of the paper before he could see it. If my dad had seen that! It would have killed him! There was no point in telling him Ben was getting married.

I called Chris and she was praying that Ben would go see my dad before he died! I found his bride to be on myspace and she had added me. I messaged her and asked her if she could talk to Ben and see if he would go see his dad.

Then I found out that same day, that the week before Ben and Eileen did go see my dad! I was so happy to hear that. I did message her back and told her I did not know they had gone to seen my dad. I did ask her to talk to Ben and I would love to them over for dinner and I have a wedding gift for them.

Even though I knew I would never be invited to the wedding that didn't matter to me. I just wanted to see my brother! I really wanted to him to have this gift as well. Something that can be passed on in the family. It is 8 piece dinner set of fine china something I have been holding on to. I wanted so badly to give it to Ben and his bride to be.

I have not heard back from them they are getting married Sept 6, 2008 and Ben has a good job in Easton Pa 6 hours away from me. I do know that he does not want anything to do with me, why he won't call me and we can talk this out. That is something I just don't understand at all. I was hurt by them not anwering me back and angry with them as well.

I did message her back and hope she tells Ben what I had to say, I want him to know the truth, it hurts to know my family was invited to the wedding and not my dad and I. I had to message him and tell him how I feel and told him the truth about his mom seeing other men when she was with my dad. And she all she did was lie to dad after they were married. That is something I knowwas another mistake I made. Ben don't care to know the truth. And yet it bothers me to know that he just won't talk to me and ask me what the truth is. Yes the truth hurts, I can remmber that little boy asking me a long time ago why did dad leave mom? I could not tell an 8 year old the truth, now that he is 29 years old I want to tell him now.

Why I told them that is something I can only say is I am human and very hurt by all of this, my guess is I just wanted his mom to know that I did finally did tell him the truth. I just wanted him to hurt just as he has hurt my dad. What happen between them I have no idea but to leave my dad out of the wedding was uncalled for. I know that is something in my heart I should have just left alone and let God worked this out. But I could not leave it alone.

Now I have to face the hard facts that I will probably never make things right with him nor will I ever see him now. I am just tired of all the lies their mom told them and mostly the fact she blamed my brother and I on the divorce all these years! Why my dad never told the boys what happen is he did not want Bonnie taken it out on Ben for telling my dad the truth! I think that is the main reason he never really told Bonnie how he found out as well. Having it thrown up in my face all these years I just could not take it anymore! I do know one time the boys did ask my dad why he divorced their mom? My dad jokely told him because she got to fat! My dad just did not want to tell them the truth either he was still trying to protect Ben.

A few years ago I accidently sent Bonnie a email, the ones you forward to all your friends. Told me to stop harassing her! I told her I was not harassing her, that email was sent out accidently I did not know I had her email in my address book! I had saved my emails on disk when I redid my computer I had used the old one not the new one I saved I did not see that mistake until after the email went out. I sent out the email as a forward to everyone on my list! She email me back yelling at me telling me what a liar I was! That how she hated liars and I had no business emailing her. That she never was an adulteress and how faithful she was to my dad! That the boys all know she never cheated on my dad and that anything that came out of my mouth was a lie. That is when I told her what Ben told my dad, if she knew this the whole time or not I do not know, she never emailed me back after that. But I am sure that she had her hand in telling the boys not to belive anything I say.

I do know is that she has something to do with Ben and Andy not wanting to see me at all, I am sure she just did not want me telling them the truth. That is the main reason I had to tell Ben. He can be mad at me all he wants.

Every time I try to fix it by message them on myspace I end up making it worst, that is what I did with Andy and I am doing it again with Ben and his wife! All I want is the chance to see my brothers again and have this work out!

They do not care how they have not only hurt me but their dad as well!

With Andy I seen his myspace and seen how he put on there that he is the person he is today since he was homeless when he was two years old! Another lie he was believing and that he was living in a car!

I messaged him to see if he would come over for Thanksgiven a few years back and to see dad. He just let me have it on how dad wanted nothing to do with them when they were younger and how my dad kicked his mom out of the house they were homeless and living in car! That dad was mearly a old man sitting on any park bench a stranger to him.

I told him that was not true, that dad had let them stay there until she found apartment! Then he moved her in there! She did not have a car at all! He told me he remembers waking up in a car. I told him that his mom and my dad went flee marketing and that they slept in the van that is what he remembers!

Yes he did not take all there things over there only because of the last load my dad ask for the house key and she refused to give it to my dad, so my dad with held the last load until she finally gave him the key. Why my dad did not just go change the locks on the doors I have no idea at all. My dad had made a lot of wrong decisions in his life time we all do.

Then he went on to tell me how dad never came to see him or call him that my dad never wanted anything to do with them. I told him that was not true at all that his mom would only allow my dad to see the boys once they started to come to my house! I told him what Ben did do so that so we could see each other. Andy just told me what a nice story but that is not true! He did not even believe the truth at all. That is how blinded they are to the truth!

I had no intention on bringing anything up to him, but he brought it up to me, and from what Andy told me the fact that 75% that came out of my mouths were lies and that they never knew when I was lying or telling the truth! I have never lied to him or Ben nor his mother! I have never had a reason to lie to them! Forgive me Yes I did lie to Andy one time. When Sheila's friend Amy was kicked out of school she was on Probation she was to report back to her P.O. and she did not.

My dad and brother-in-law went down to see Andy in Aug 2003. When Amy came over to my dad told him not tell anyone. My dad knew what a trouble maker she is and knew why she did not want anyone to know. My dad called me and told me, He said he wanted to wait and call Andy and tell him to kick her out and that she is on probation and that she will steal from him as well. My dad wanted to give her a few days to be back in town on her own before he had me call her P.O. But he did not want Andy to know that he has told me.

Well I know her and I knew she would just run somewhere else. She had ran before I found her and brought her in to her P.O. I knew she would do it again.

So yes I called her P.O., gave him Andy's cell phone. When Andy ask me about it I told him no I did not. The reason why I lied to Andy is my dad did not want Andy or Amy to know who turned her in. Even though my dad was going to wait a few days, after he told Andy about kicking her out. I just did not want to sit on it! I did not want Andy to know that my dad was the one to tell me.

I wanted her back in jail. If I am going to let all the skeletons out of the closet then I better let this one out as well. That is the only thing I ever lied to Andy on and I have never ever lied to Ben at all on anything!

If Bonnie had lied to my dad as well as to me, of course she will lie to her boys to cover herself. She lied to them when they were little telling them their dad didn't want them let alone not want to see them! That was far from the truth! My dad missed the boys and every time he called she would tell them they were not there or they were sleeping!

She told them she never cheated on my dad! That is lie, Ben is the one to tell my dad to look out the window and see that man by the mailbox? That is mommy's boyfriend! He was only six years old and had no clue to what he was doing, he was just being honest and wanted his dad to see mommy's boyfriend!

My dad saw it with his own eyes as well as my aunt that lived across the street! I don't ever to expect to see my brothers again. But they choose to believe the lies and not have anything to do with me. I love my brothers very much and hurts me to hear them say that dad never wanted anything to do with them another lie there mom told them.

Instead of getting to know their dad they would rather believe in the lies as well as not to forgive my dad at all. That hurts. My dad learned to play Nintendo so he could have something in common with the boys. It was all about who could beat dad! They had a blast doing that. Or my dad going to watch Andy on the skateboard.

Yet they don't want to remember the good times. They just want to remember the bad and not to forgive me and to believe the lies of their mom. They have missed out on so much over the last few years with their dad that they will never get back! Life is just too short to be mad at one for any reason! I am willing to forgive but they are not.

I found out the hard way. When I do things on my own and not having God it at all, it falls apart! Taken things to God in prayer he mends them. Just as he did when Ben went to my dad on his own that I had taken in prayer and God answered that! I made a mistake by message Eileen at all. All I can do now is just leave them alone and let God do what he has to do.

To understand why I am so hurt by all this is it took God to bring those boys to me. So I am now going to spill it all out in the open. The darkness will be brought out into the light. I am sure some family members will by upset over this, but the truth needs to be told. I am will not hid this at all. I have no reason to make this up or lie about this at all. This is my life and this is what had happen in my life which affected me so badly that it is part of the lessons on what happen when I do pray and when you don't pray and get detoured off tracked away from God. A lesson I am still learning today!

My Dad married Bonnie in 1977 the year I graduate. At first it was ok, until she took control of everything, Sonja and I we were no longer allowed to cook in her kitchen, we were not allowed to help her clean she wanted to do it all. If we tried to help her. like one day I started to vacuum, she grabbed it away from me and yelling at me that it was her job to do! Then she would tell my dad we did nothing to help her!

I bought her 1976 sports car. All was good at the time, she then told me she was not going to give me the spare key the reason, If she needed the car during the day she could use it with out waking me up. I worked second and third shift at Perkins. I told her that would be fine.

Then one night I was getting off of work at 11pm and my older sister Sonja was just coming in. Sonja asked me if I could get the battery out of her car and take it home a put it on the charger for it. I said I would and I ask the cook if he could do that for me, take out her battery a put it in my car so I gave him the car keys with my house keys on it as well.

When I went to leave I realized the cook had taken off and took my keys with him! I had no way home, Sonja's car her battery was dead due to the alternator draining the battery! So the manger went to give me a ride home so I could get my spare key off of Bonnie. When I got home I ringed the door bell and got Bonnie out of bed, and she refused to give me the key! Claiming she did not have it! She was lying to me again! Then she slammed the door shut on me and locked me out!

I told the manger take me back to Perkins I will bus tables what ever for nothing. So I did do that. Then around 5 in the morning a couple of police offers came in. I asked them if they had seen the cook who had my keys, they did not. But what they did do was find someone with jumper cables to jump Sonja's car so I could get home. They then told me not stop at all or slow down or I would be draining the battery. I just had the lights on. I got into town and the car stopped on the bridge.

Again the city police came found someone to jump me, this time they told me not to turn on the lights and not to stop at the red lights. They went ahead of me with their lights and sirens on through the red lights. I made it home. My dad was up when I got in and I told him Bonnie has the extra set of car keys! He told me she did not have them! He was taking her side! He got up to go to work. Then Bonnie came down stairs and threw the keys at me! I left the house went across the street to my aunts house and my uncle took me in to Perkins to get my car!

I got a paper found a room to rent. I then went home and packed all my things and left. I told my dad he married a liar! I show him 2 sets of car keys she had kept the other one and lied to him about it! Now you can see where I was coming from here. I was only 19 years old. She would lie to my dad only to make her look good and me the one that was lying! To make a long story short.

It got worst with her. This time I was staying with my friends parent's I had no car. I sold the car and bought cheaper car. I had to have knee surgery and my other car got wrecked. I called my dad to ask him to deposit some money in the bank for me. I was still paying on a loan I had on the car.

Bonnie told me my dad was not home! That liar! I was across the street and I can see my dad's car there! I went over there and knocked on the door and yet she refused to let me talk to my dad.

I then had a breakdown. My aunt called my doctor's office and I was admitted into the hospital. Later went to live with my aunt and uncle in Ohio. I wanted an s far from her I could get! This happen in April 1979 I was having a very hard time dealing with her and dealing how my mom died and people I had no idea who they were telling me I know your dad he went out hunting and shot your mom!

I made a life for myself in Cleveland Oh. I had my daughter and moved backed to Pa in March 1984. Now my dad told me to stay away from the house, being he was divorcing Bonnie and he did not want her to blame me for anything. Which she did, she told everyone that my dad divorce her because of my brother and I! That is one big lie! She only has her self to blame for this.

I was living in Cleveland and dealing with my own problems! She could not put the blame on herself. She had to blame someone else for the problems causing divorce.

I had nothing to do with her and my dad divorcing her! Now I did tell my dad all the things Bonnie did to me and my brother after he filed the divorce!

He was waiting for her to find an apartment so she could move out. Once she did get moved out. She refused my dad to see the boys at all! My dad would come over to my place and just sit down and cry, he missed those boys and she refused to let him see them!

Now I don't understand why my dad did not file custody of them to at least see them on the weekends. Nor did I ever ask why he never did that.

Now Bonnie did not even want me to see the boys either, I would be out at the mall she would turn the other way when she would see me or even my sisters as well. I left Pa again and was gone for about 7 months.

This time in Aug 1985 I got an apartment on the southside of town; it was a few blocks from Bonnie. Now where I went to buy my cigarettes was just across the street from her in the alley.

This time I took it to God in prayer and asked him to show me how to forgive her and for her to trust me with the boys. So gradually when I would see her outside I went over to talk with her. She was hard at first. I had learn to keep my mouth shut with her as to what she had done to us before. It was like walking on egg shells with her. But what was important was getting her to trust me with the boys so that my dad could see them and talk with them.

But over time, God would show me when she needed milk or what ever for the boys I would drop it off.

Then one day I came home and there was Ben and Andy sitting on my step outside of my apartment! Here Ben had followed me! From his mom's house over to the few blocks to my place! He then asked me why don't dad call him?

I told him that dad does call him, that his mom told my dad that the boys were not home or they were in bed. I asked him do you want to talk to dad! Yes of course they did! I called my dad and let him talk to the boys. So every Sat morning Ben and Andy would come over to see me and talk with their dad! Ben told me that he had told his mom that he was taking Andy for a walk. He was afraid to tell her about seeing me or talking to his dad! He knew his mom did not want him to see me.

Then in Oct 1986 I had been over at the other house cleaning. I was getting ready to move into in a few weeks. Ben was sitting on the step by himself and he was crying! I asked what was the matter he said I thought you never get back! I want to know why Dad left mom? I asked him what did your mom tell you? He told me that she said it was you and Jimmy's fault that Dad left her! How do you tell a 8 year old boy the truth!

I told him that sometimes adults believe the truth even if it was not the truth. And that you can not tell them they are wrong. I told him Jim and I had nothing to do with dad leaving his mom. Then I told him I was moving and he was crying even harder now. Telling me the he could not walk that far to see me! And he knew he could not tell his mom that he had been coming over here as well!

I told Ben do you believe in prayer? He said yes, I told him to pray that someday we would all be sitting at the dinner table together!

Well a month later God was showing me what I need to take over to Bonnie. So I went over there not knowing what God was going to do! For the first time she invited me in! She was looking for something then telling me that my brother-in-law was on his way over to take her to look for a car. When Chuck got their he asked Bonnie if the boys were going too and she said yes! Then Ben spoke up and ask his mom why can't we stay with Jackie? Bonnie said no! Chuck told Bonnie let the boys go with Jackie my kids go to her place all the time! I don't see how the boys would have any fun sitting in a car while we are looking at cars and it is raining!

The boys went home with me that day! Bonnie called me later on and told me it would be another hour or so before she would come get the boys I told her that was fine and that I had fixed dinner and they could have dinner here so she did not have to fix anything.

When Bonnie came over we sat down at the dinner table and Ben was so excited he looked at me and said can I tell her now! I said yes! He then told Bonnie about seeing me and then told her of the prayer I had prayed and now we were all that dinner table together having dinner! God had answer that little boys prayer!

The boys had stayed with me through the years when their mom was working and on holidays. If she was working I would cook dinner and when she got off work she would have dinner with the boys and I. When Andy was 16 he went off did his own thing. I found out later on why he thought he could live on welfare like me! His mom told him I was lazy and did not want to work and I was on welfare! Yes I was on welfare because I had so many jaw surgeries and I had applied for SSD and I had tried to worked and it only made matters worst for me and my daughter with the stress.