Act 2
Outside Lelio’s villa.
Scene 1: Lelio, Lelia.
They are bundled in hooded capes outdoors in the snow, and speaking lovey-dovey to one another. Lelia invites him indoors, ostensibly to admire the new Christmas decorations, in a conversation full of double-entendres.
Scene 2: Dottore, Scaramuccia.
Dottore and Scaramuccia come outside so they can speak unheard. Dottore scolds Scaramuccia for his earlier failure, and gives advice on how to attract a woman. Scaramuccia says he understands, but always repeats back an exaggerated/misunderstood/poorly applied version of whatever the Dottore has said. Dottore becomes frustrated and declares he will hide nearby and tell Scaramuccia what to say next time.
Scene 3: Lelia, Dottore, Scaramuccia.
Lelia comes out of the villa, still in the cape. Dottore declares this is the chance and he hides from her sight, but near unto Scaramuccia so he can whisper instructions to him. Dottore advises, “Tell her how popular you are with women, and be confident!” Scaramuccia takes it literally and confidently starts to tell Lelia how unpopular he is with women (scaring them away etc.) but that he doesn’t let it bother him because he knows how to pick locks to their houses. Dottore desperately tries to save the situation by whispering to Scaramuccia to claim he boasts these tricks because he’s an escape artist. Scaramuccia, mishearing, announces he’s a rape artist. Dottore whispers, “Say it was just a joke! Say you’re – anything else.” Scaramuccia announces he was kidding and he’s really a (muffin/bumblebee/two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun/other ludicrously inane answer.) At this, Dottore steps forward feigning that he just arrived and is looking for Scaramuccia. He sends Scaramuccia away, whispering that he’ll have to handle this situation himself. Meanwhile, unnoticed by Dottore, Lelia goes back inside the house.
Scene 4: Lelio, Dottore.
Lelio, still caped, silently emerges from another entrance as if seeking Lelia, and goes to the spot where Dottore last saw her, turns his back to Dottore. Dottore doesn’t realize it isn’t still Lelia and approaches, speaking amorous words which grow more lascivious as he perceives no objection. He puts a hand on the figure’s shoulder and both Lelio and Dottore turn and scream. Lelio demands an explanation. Dottore tries to pretend he was singing a song. Lelio questions whether there’s really a song called (Dottore’s most offensive lines.) Dottore invents a song by this name which he sings, and Lelio goes away appeased.
Scene 5: Dottore, Lelia.
Dottore declares he will rethink his plan. Lelia emerges as if looking for Lelio, and Dottore approaches her with false kindness. They chat about the new Christmas ornaments, and Dottore tells Lelia that it’s not Christmas without a big yule log, and she must find one out in the woods in (some obviously dangerous location), to impress Lelio. Lelia questions the wisdom of such a hunt because of the heavy snow and the dangerous roads and the freezing temperatures and the (something silly), but Dottore insists Lelio will like it. Lelia affirms she’s determined that Lelio should have a great Christmas, and she sets out into the snowy woods alone. When she’s gone, Dottore gleefully announces she’ll never survive the night and that he has succeeded in eliminating her. He exits.
Scene 6: Scaramuccia, Columbina, Francesquina.
Scaramuccia comes looking for the Dottore, calling for him while spewing information about the plan to destroy Lelio’s marriage. Unseen by him, Columbina and Francesquina have followed and they intend to enact their vengeance. They play pranks and deceptions to torment and humiliate him, all classic slapstick where it’s funny because Scaramuccia is a jerk who deserves it and he reacts to the abuse in unsympathetic ways. Eventually Scaramuccia has had enough and departs in either fright or anger. The girls go off laughing.