Act 5

SCENE ONE.

Lavinia, Agnesina, Giovan Farina.

LAV. Agnesina, you know that I have forgiven you for everything you've done, on the condition that I never catch you again. But I would really appreciate some great advice from you, and if you don't want me to tell my husband Mr. Pantalone, or anyone else, then keep what I say to yourself.

AGN. No worries, ma’am, I was never known for my generosity in that. Speak freely about anything you want, dear lady, and don't worry. 

LAV. You know that Mr. Camillo bothers me all day long, and I've never wanted to listen to his words. But to tell you the truth, ever since we spoke, I find myself in a confused state. Frankly, I think I am falling in love with him. On the other hand, I don't want to do one thing more than another, for were it to be discovered, I would be shamed and ruined in the eyes of the world. I don't know what to do, I feel caught between a hammer and an anvil.

AGN. I'll tell you, my dear madam, if it were up to me, I'd say it's high time you bid farewell to that ancient fellow and scurry back into the arms of Mr. Camillo, who truly adores you. He's much better than that useless old man, who sleeps like a log all night. At least Mr. Camillo is handsome and young, and if he were laying there, would be stiff as a pole, if you catch my drift. And since he doesn’t sleep all night, he’s sure to fill the time with something. So, if I were strutting in your shoes, I wouldn't let this chance slip away.

LAV. I don't want to make that mistake again, dear Agnesina.

AGN. Oh the possibilities, dear ma’am! The possibilities! Don't hesitate so much, do as your heart desires, take Mr. Camillo. And if you don’t want him, I’ll take him! Look, here comes his servant right now.

G.FA. [Enters patting his stomach tauntingly.] Aw, yeah. That was some damn fine dinner you were supposed to have had.

AGN. Are you done making us hear about it?

G.FA. You done makin’ me look at your ugly face? Is it true what I heard about you?

AGN. Pray what did you hear, tell me?

G.FA.You want me spreading gossip now?

AGN. Spill it.

G.FA. When you went to the cellar with Bragatto, what the hell did you do there? I know, and your boss is gonna know, and everyone in town, if you don’t give me back my damn basket and the shit that I left behind.

AGN. Why, I’d slap you for telling such lies if it weren’t all true! Oh, dear lady, what am I going to do now? I'll be ashamed in front of the world.

LAV. Come here, Zan Farina. I want you to leave, and I'll have your things and your basket sent to you.

G.FA. I'm happy to leave, but give me my basket and my stuff.

LAV. Agnesina, give him his things.

AGN. [Retrieves the basket of cloth, cords, etc.] Here you go, take them.

G.FA. Now let's settle this shit and put it behind us.

AGN. Scram! You have no shame in the presence of my mistress.

LAV. No, Zan Farina. Shake my hand and that's enough. [They shake hands.]

G.FA. Shooken.

LAV. Well, what about your master?

G.FA. What about him? He’s fuckin’ obsessed, he's more dead than alive because of you.

LAV. Then go, and tell him that I'm happy to do whatever he wants, out of love for him.

G.FA. That’d be the best for you both. Good luck. [Exits.]

AGN. Dear lady, since you've done a good deed, fulfill your promise (and also forgive Bragatto and let him come to the house sometimes.)

LAV. Alright, let's go home for God's sake, and I'm happy to do whatever you want. We shouldn't stay here on the street any longer in case someone starts gawking at us.

SCENE TWO.

Bragatto with a basket, Agnesina.

BRA. Yo, what the fuckin’ shit? It ain't enough that the old lady's got me scared to go inside the house, now I gotta knock at my own damn door for favors. Knock, knock, knock.

AGN. [Answering door.] Who's knocking?

BRA. Nesina, it’s me.

AGN. Oh, it's you, Bragatto. Don’t be afraid to come inside, the lady has forgiven both of us. You can go back to being care-free and not care-full. Say, what’s in the basket?

BRA. Just the shit the boss made me get for dinner. Let's go in.

AGN. Goin’ once, twice, sold.

SCENE THREE.

Giovan Farina, Agnesina, Lavinia, and Camillo.

G.FA.This fuckin' idiot. I told my boss that Mistress Slovenia is waitin' for him, and he's all fuckin' ecstatic. But he didn’t need to piss his pants from excitement. Well, I better knock and say he's comin' now. Knock, knock, knock.

AGN. [Answering door.] Who's knocking?

G.FA. Yo, buddy, go tell the lady I need to have a word with her.

AGN. [Calls inside.] Ma’am? Zan Farina is asking for you.

LAV. [Comes to the door.] Zan Farina, what do you want from me?

G.FA. Yo, Mr. Camillo's comin'. Found him in the damn piazza, and when I told him to come here, he said he's comin' right away.

LAV. I hope he’ll be swift.

G.FA. I'm outta here, gotta serve someone else. [Exits.]

LAV. Go swiftly! Agnesina, make sure dinner is prepared, because when Mr. Pantalone comes home, he should find everything to be in order.

AGN. Understood, ma'am. [Exits.]

CAM. [Entering.] If the words spoken by my faithful servant hold true, then I dare to believe that I, in this very moment, can lay claim to the title of the happiest man in existence. Behold, before me stands the very embodiment of my deepest affections — Signora Lavinia herself. Good evening, Your Ladyship, who breathes life into my weary eyes.

LAV. Ah, you are welcome, dear Mr. Camillo. Signor Camillo, I am certain that it may seem strange to you that I have shown you such contradictory behavior, from cruel to immediately surrendering myself to you. But do not be surprised, for I have done this out of respect, not because I don't love you. I assure you, I love you as much as my own life. So, leaving aside the words, I tell you that I am your servant.

CAM. I thank Your Ladyship infinitely, and I will accept you, not as my servant, but as my patroness and lady.

LAV. Well, Mr. Camillo, setting words aside, I hope it will please you to come back to my house around midnight. You will find the door open. Push it and come inside. Wait for me downstairs in the middle area, because I wish to speak to you privately about something important.

CAM. I will gladly do as Your Ladyship commands.

LAV. Very well, and I will go inside to attend to some things. I will wait for you according to the instructions given. Take care.

CAM. Your Ladyship may go, for I will not fail to come. Indeed, due to the great joy I feel, I don't know what to do with myself. I will go to the piazza, for even an hour’s idleness feels like a thousand years.

SCENE FOUR.

Pantalone, Bragatto, G. Farina, Camillo.

PAN. [Preparing to enter the house.] By the blood of my soul, every time I go home, it feels like I’m wandering through the levels of some inferno, waiting to behold that beastly wife of mine in all her horror.

BRA. Aw, shit, my boss is here. Gotta suck up to him. [Aloud.] Yo, good evening, sir.

PAN. Bragatto, my boy. Any news?

BRA. Got some good news for ya.

PAN. Could it be? What good news is this?

BRA. Listen up, I've been talkin' to the old lady about your situation. She wants to make peace with ya, and she's comin' to find you herself to deliver the good news.

PAN. Is it possible?

BRA. That's what I'm tellin' ya.

PAN. Oh, blessed be you! You've done me a greater favor by telling me this than if you had given me a hundred golden coins. Let the heavens resound with praise, for I never fathomed I would live to witness the day when she would relinquish her ceaseless scolding. Oh, the incessant nagging that plagued my existence! Well, I must hurry in, dear Bragatto.

BRA. Yeah, let's go. And I'm tellin' ya, no more tears, 'cause she wants to give you a whole new life. No more cryin' for ya.

PAN. Excellent. I’m glad to hear it. But, first, deliver this letter to my friend, and come back quickly before it gets late. [Gives him a letter.]

BRA. Don't worry, I'll be back in a flash.

PAN. Adieu. [Exits.]

G.FA. [Enters.] If my dumbass boss doesn’t help me catch Bragatto… Oh, what the fuck you doin' here all alone?

BRA. Gotta go deliver a letter to some dude.

G.FA. Well, get the fuck outta here and go back quick 'cause it's gettin' late. If my boss finds you here, he'll flip his shit. Just saw him in the piazza, and I don't know what the hell he’ll do. Look, there he is, for real. [Bragatto exits.]

CAM. [Enters.] Giovan Farina, how did you leave the piazza without saying a word to me, when I told you not to leave?

G.FA. Well, listen up, man. I had to take a piss, and when I turned around, you were gone.

CAM. Well, let us set aside the trivialities of mere words for a moment. Tell me, do you know what time it is?

G.FA. Almost midnight.

CAM. Perfect. It is best that I proceed forthwith and attend to the matters that beckon me. In the meantime, I beseech you to wait for me at home, for I shall return with utmost haste. 

G.FA. Don't take too long, man. I'm fuckin' starving.

CAM. Fear not, my faithful companion, for I shall return to your side with speed. Particularly, as you are well aware, I am compelled to attend to that pressing matter, which holds great significance in my heart and desires. Rest assured, I shall not tarry, as the passion that burns within me demands swift action and resolution. [Exits into Pantalone’s house.]

G.FA. What a fuckin' idiot my boss is. Half the time he doesn't know what the fuck he's doin'. And I got so much shit to worry about, especially eatin'. Oh, here comes Bragatto. Damn, you're back fast.

BRA. [Entering.] Shut up, man. I delivered the letter to the dude, but I forgot to bring back the response. I'm scared my boss is gonna chew me out.

G.FA. You dumbass, how could you forget the response?

BRA. What the fuck you callin' me a dumbass, dumbass? Maybe if I smack your head again, you won't forget shit.

G.FA. How you gonna smack an ass on the head?

BRA. You wanna find out, dumbass? [Hits him.]

G.FA. Aw! You fuckin' killed me! I won't let you get away with this.

BRA. Settle it right now, if you think you can handle it. [Camillo enters, with clothes askew and lipstick kisses all over his face.]

CAM. Indeed, I can consider myself the luckiest man in the world because I have achieved my goal and obtained from Signora Lavinia what I desired. I regret not being able to stay with her longer, but I have an urgent matter to attend to, which is as important as my own life. And fearing that her husband might overhear us, it was necessary that I depart her side too, too soon.

G.FA. [To Bragatto.] Oh, if I don't fuckin’ pay you back for this…

CAM. Who is that? Giovan Farina, is that you? What's wrong? Why are you cursing?

[Bragatto runs away.]

G.FA. It's that dumbass servant of Mr. Pantalone. He hit me.

CAM. Why did he do that?

G.FA. Forget it for now, I'll tell you later.

CAM. If you don't want to tell me, do as you wish, dear Giovan Farina. I am sorry for your pain.

G.FA. But, man, I need a huge favor from you.

CAM. Tell me what you want me to do, and I will gladly do it, for I am indebted to you for what you have done for me with Signora Lavinia.

G.FA. Yo, I need you to make an outcry right now so Bragatto doesn't come back bothering me. You better catch his ass real fast 'cause I'm freaking terrified he's gonna off me.

CAM. How could I possibly raise any outcry? This is a public holiday, and moreover, the hour grows late, rendering any such endeavor futile. It would be imprudent to engage in such activities at this time, as the circumstances are not conducive to such endeavors.

G.FA. Ah, damn it! I knew I forgot somethin'. Then I need to dress up as the Crier, and I’ll do it myself. If I don't, I'm fuckin' screwed 'cause he'll beat me up and kill me.

CAM. But where will you find the clothes for this?

G.FA. I'll figure it out myself. I got a friend who can hook me up, even if they're a bit tight. Don't worry 'bout it.

CAM. Do as you please, for I shall make my way home, as there are pressing matters that demand my attention. I trust you to fulfill your own obligations, but do keep in mind the passing of time, for the night grows darker and the hour grows late. Remember to return to our abode promptly, as the night's embrace envelops us further.

G.FA. Go with fuckin' God, man. If you can't scare the shit outta Bragatto, at least tell him off for me. Well, I gotta go get those clothes.

SCENE FIVE.

Pantalone and Bragatto.

PAN. Where in the world could that wretched Bragatto have vanished to? He never abides by the agreed-upon return time, that slippery serpent. May the devil claim him upon his tardy arrival! [Bragatto enters with a letter.] Oh, there he is. Bragatto, where have you been for so long?

BRA. Well, you see, I forgot to bring back the response to the letter. But when I was almost home, it hit me, and I had to go back to get it. [Gives it to Pantalone.]

PAN. Can’t you move with more moxie, by jingo? It's late, and I want to go to bed. I'm dying of sleepiness.

BRA. Alright, alright, and I did what you asked regarding the lady-boss.

PAN. Good, good. We've already spoken and come to an agreement. Come inside, and I'll tell you everything.

BRA. Sure.

SCENE SIX.

Giovan Farina dressed as the Town Crier enters and makes a scene.

G.FA. Hear ye! Hear ye! Let it be known that Bragatto, servant of Mr. Pantalone di Grandi, should not cause trouble, annoyance, or inconvenience to Zan Farina, a respectable and gallant man, servant of Mr. Camillo Ruberteschi. He should not talk shit about him, give him dirty looks, lay a finger on him, or call him any names like a pig, a pimp, a dumbass, or tell him to go fuck himself, or to fuck his mom, or use any other offensive words against him. Failure to comply will result in a fine of twenty-five ducats, three years in prison, and ten years in the galleys. Evviva San Marco, bitches!

SCENE SEVEN.

Bragatto, Agnesina, and G. Farina.

BRA. Unh! Agnesina, have you heard about the shitstorm caused by Zan Farina?

AGN. I've heard a few sprinkles.

BRA. Listen, that asshole was down in the cellar, trying to steal some wine, trying to get wasted. And when I caught him, I was ready to beat his sorry ass with a broomstick — but I held back. Holy shit, I'm so damn sick of Zan Farina. Hell with that guy. If you're down to join me, let's get the fuck outta here and head to the countryside. I can't stand being around him anymore. I don't want him throwing me in jail or the fuckin’ galleys.

AGN. Don't worry, why do you want to leave?

BRA. 'Cause I don't want his ass to lock me up, I'm telling you. I'm so scared, I'm trembling like a leaf. Look, I'm shaking right now.

G.FA. [Appearing in Crier outfit.] Oh, quit your whining. You're about to see what I'll do to you.

AGN. My sweet, darling, wonderful Zan Farina — tell me, what are you planning to do?

G.Far. I'll make you suffer. You’ve given me so many goddamn headaches, haven't you?

AGN. Well, I promise that if we make peace, I'll give you a plate of macaroni the first chance I get.

G.FA. As long as you give me macaroni, I'll leave the headaches behind, no problem.

AGN. And…?

G.FA. I’ll make peace with Bragatto.

BRA. So you won't give me shit anymore?

G.FA. That's right, no more shit from me.

BRA. Then let’s shake on it. [They shake hands.]

G.FA. Shooken. [G. Farina removes the Crier costume, his other clothes underneath.]

AGN. I have to go in, the boss-lady is waiting for me. Bragatto, don't stay too long; it's getting late. [Exits.]

BRA. Go ahead, I'm coming too. Zan Farina, now that we're cool, you wanna be my campare and walk the bride down the aisle at my wedding?

G.FA. I'm down for that. But at this hour?

BRA. Quit fucking around, it's the middle of the goddamn night.

G.FA. Sure, I’ll campare. But I better grab some food first; I'm starving. Take care.

BRA. Bye, campare, I’ll see you soon. Fuckin’ hell, I used to be scared shitless he'd throw my ass in jail. But now, I'm not scared anymore 'cause we're buddies. I'm heading home, and you should too. It's late. Don't wait until it's pitch-black and everyone's asleep. Take care of yourselves.

THE END.