Act 5
Scene I.
Enter Spittzaferro and Plautino.
Plaut.
I'm not acquainted with him; but I have heard great commendation of his skill: 'Tis somewhere hereabout he lives: Look you where he comes forth.
Enter Harlequin like a Magician, with a great pair of Spectacles on his Nose, a long Prospective-glass, looking at Spittzaferro at a distance.
Harl.
A man of a bold Aspect, fortunate Phisiognomy, sanguine Complexion, strong Constitution, great Appetite, and good Digestion; but by nature timerous and diffident; therefore sleeps not sound.
Plaut.
Exactly you.
Harl.
Aged 53 years, 2 Months, 9 days, 37 hours, three hundred threescore and three minutes and a half.
Spitt.
What says he?
Plaut.
He's telling you how old you are, a new way of counting these learn'd Men have got. See, he's coming towards you.
Spitt.
Signior, I'm your Servant.
Harl.
You are not, I pay you no Wages.
Spitt.
I give you a good-morrow.
Harl.
You give me nothing.
Spitt.
There is some Gold.
Harl.
A good gift is a good-morrow.
Spitt.
I come, Signior, to kiss your hands.
Harl.
There.
Hits him in the Chops first with one hand, and then with the other.
Spitt.
Euh! what's the meaning?
Harl.
And there.—How you have done what you come for?
Plaut.
I perceive he's not a Man of Ceremony.
Harl.
You are a Man of great vulgarity, Signior; you ought to make your Approaches in a more peculiar manner, and not to disgorge such vulgar Phrases in the face of the Learn'd.
'Plaut.
Pray ben't so critical; we are not us'd to treat with persons of your profound Science.
Spitt.
In short, Signior, my Name is—
Harl.
Spittzaferro.
Spitt.
I am come to tell you that I am about—
Harl.
To Marry.
Spitt.
Signior si, and desire to know of you—
Harl.
If you may do't with safety.
Spitt.
Signior si, and if I shall not be—
Harl.
A Cuckold.
Plaut.
He knows all before you tell it him.
Harl.
O, impertinence!—tell a Magician what you come for! Whiz!—whose Art is knowledg it self. Buz! who reads what's written in the Stars. Fitz! who holds intelligence with Spirits. Ptru—ru—ru!—to whose eyes the Book of Fate lies open.—Bro,—thro,—ro,—ro,—rou!
Plaut.
Most learn'd Sir; you have sufficiently inform'd his understanding, as to his conversation; now be pleas'd to satisfy his curiosity, which brought him hither: and by your Magick representations shew him something that may be to his advantage.
Harl.
Basta, basta, Signior, basta. Follow me in.
Ex.
Enter agen in a Room. Harl. with a dark Lanthorn.
Tricola, tracola, whiz! Tricola, tracola, Buz!
Tricola, tracola, Fitz!
Tricola, tracola, Ptru-ru-ru!
Tricola, tracola, Bro-thro-rou!
Tricola, tracola.
Goes about prancing, sings this ridiculously; at last stops.
Tricola, tracola.
Tricola, tracola.
Doodle doodle-doo.
My Conjurations are Pacifick;
A vision of horns appears in shadows, increase to a vast bigness, and vanish.
Your Fortune see in Hierogliphick.
Plaut.
See, Signior Spittzaferro.
Spitt.
This vision's no good omen.
A vision of horns appears, increases and decreases in bigness several times, at last vanish upward.
Harl.
Tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola, &c. Toodle-doodle-doo, &c.
Goes about prancing, as before.
Plaut.
Mind, Sir, mind.
Bird.
Cucko.
A Cucko appears in shadow, cries 3 times, and each time grows bigger, at last, flies up out o’sight.
Plaut.
Heark.
Bird.
Cucko.
Spitt.
Say you so?
Bird.
Cucko.
Flies away.
Spitt.
This Bird gives no good Augury of my Marriage.
Plaut.
I'm affraid 'twill be something unfortunate.
Harl.
Tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola, &c. Toodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doo.
Prances about.
Men appear in shadows with horns on their heads, grow bigger and less several times, several times appear and disappear, at last dance with a great pair of horns in each hand; they offer as it were to Spittzaferro, shaking 'em at him with each hand, shaking their heads, then jump up out o'sight one after another.
Spitt.
Signior Plautino, these were Cuckolds, they shook their heads at me; that's no good sign.
'Plaut.
We'l know what it signifies. Signior, what's the meaning of all this?
To Harl.
Harl.
Tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola; tri—
Plaut.
What are you going to do now?
Harl.
To Conjure up the Devil himself in person, who shall tell you the meaning on't. Tricola, tracola; tricola, tracola, &c.
Spitt.
The Devil himself. Euh! Servitore, Signior, tricola, Servitore.
Ex. Spittz. and Plaut.
Harl.
Euh! Euh! Signior.
Plaut.
No, no, Servitore.
Eh! eh! he! tricola, tracola, &c.
Exit.
Enter Spittzaferro and Plautino in the Street.
Plaut.
Signior Spittzaferro, what think you How?
Spitt.
Signior Plautino, I think 'tis better to be a Man than a Beast; and since Heaven has created me one, I'le take care not to be metamorphis'd by a Woman.
Enter Cynthio.
Plaut.
Signior Spittzaferro, here is Signior Alberto your Brother-in-Law; Signior Alberto, this is the worthy person that is to marry your Sister.
Cynt.
Signior I am just now luckily arriv'd; my Father has told me the good news. I'm glad Aurelia has the good fortune to have a man of your Character for her Husband. I shall be proud of such a Brother-in-Law.
Spitt.
Signior I kiss your hands.
Cynt.
Time won't allow farther Ceremony; my Father sent me to tell you, that they want your company. Come Sir, I'le wait on you.
Spitt.
Excuse me Signior Alberto.
Cynt.
No Ceremony, I pray.
Spitt.
No haste, no haste.
Cynth.
The Scrivener is there, the Writings are ready, they want you to set your Hand and Seal to the Jointure you make my Sister.
Spitt.
No question.
Cynt.
Come Sir, let's go.
Spitt.
I have a word to say to you first.
Cynt.
To me?
Spitt.
Signior si.
Cynt.
What I pray?
Plaut.
I'le go before, and tell 'em you are coming.
Ex.
Spitt.
Signior Alberto, 'tis true, I ask'd your Fathers consent to marry Aurelia; he was very inclinable; but upon more deliberate consideration I find, I am a little too far in years for her, and I am convinc'd I shall not be a fit Husband for her.
Cynt.
Excuse me, my Sister thinks very well of you, and I doubt not but she'l be happy in you.
Spitt.
No, she won't; I have sometimes strange melancholy Fits, and whilst they last, I am very extravagant; and I'm sure 'twill be too much for her to bear with me in those humours.
Cynt.
My Sister is of a very good disposition, and as merry, she'l sing and laugh, and play a thousand tricks to divert you; she'l be the fittest Wife alive for you.
Spitt.
Then Signior I have some infirmities of Body too, which will disgust her.
Cynt.
That's nothing Signior, a vertuous Wife is never disgusted with her Husband.
Spitt.
In short Signior, give me leave to tell you, I wou'd not have your Father by any means to let me marry her.
Cynt.
O Signior, my Father was always a punctual man, and do you think upon his death-bed he'l be worse than his word!
Spitt.
Tell him Signior, I dispence with his promise, and I—
Cynt.
For never so much, he has said it, and you shall have her, let what will be the matter.
Spitt.
Ah! what ado's here!
Cynt.
See then Signior Spittzaferro, what a particular esteem and liking my Father has for you; he told the company that the thoughts of this day revived him, and said, if a Duke shou'd now demand my Sister, he shou'd go without her for your sake.
Spitt.
Signior Alberto, I'm extreamly obliged to your Father, for the honour he does me, but I assure you, I am resolv'd not to marry.
Cynt.
Your reason?
Spitt.
The reason is, because marriage is inconvenient for me; Ile imitate my Father and all my Ancestors, who could never be perswaded to marry.
Cynt.
Nay, nay Signior, you have your liberty, no body as I know will force you against your inclinations. But since ’tis so, pray go and acquaint my Father with it your self; I have done my message, and am engaged to go another way. Do ye hear Signior, you need not doubt your release; he's one won't impose her on you. Adieu.
Is going off, and returns.
Exit.
Spitt.
Well, Ile go and put an end to this business, that my mind may be free from fears and my liberty continue sound.
Ex.
Enter Scaramouch and Pancrace.
Scar.
Signior Pancrace, we are abused, disgraced.
Panc.
Couzened and cheated.
Scar.
That Rogue Harlequin.
Panc.
That Rascal Plautino.
Scar.
That Villain Harlequin.
Panc.
That cursed Plautino, and Knave Harlequin, his wicked Accomplice.
Scar.
They shall account for their Rogueries.
Panc.
They shall be made Examples, Signior Scaramouch. Let's join in our Revenge.
Scar.
We'l have recourse to Justice.
Panc.
Get Officers and search 'em out.
Scar.
We'l have 'em strapado’d.
Panc.
And sent to the Galleys.
Scar.
Cherto, Seguro.
Panc.
Then we'l take a course in order to my Son, whom I will yet have to marry your Daughter Andramo.
Scar.
Patientia Signior Pancracio, I have receiv'd Letters.
Panc.
What from Lauretto, which inform you that your Daughter and mine resolve to be Nuns.
Scar.
Yes.
Panc.
I have Letters to that effect too, but I'l not consent to't.
Scar.
Your Son being engaged I am content.
Panc.
Signior Scaramouch, I will yet recover all.
Scar.
Matters are gone too far, he loves another.
Panc.
I'l make him love agen.
Scar.
Affection cannot be forced.
Panc.
He shall marry her.
Scar.
My Daughter shall continue there.
Suspend your Resolutions till we know more of the concern, we'l search 'em out, and have them face to face.
Scar.
My Son.
Panc.
And mine.
Scar.
And Harlequin.
Panc.
And Plautino.
Scar.
And that Gipsie Baggage shall have no cause to laugh.
Panc.
Let's about it.
Scar.
Instantly.
Panc.
I now presently, along! Signior Scaramouch.
Enter Spitzaferro.
Spitz.
I found Signior Beronimo more reasonable than I expected; but I believe he thought my refusal an affront, and might slight it out of Pride, but I took him at his word; and now, stand disengag'd Signior, Ieronimo Servitore, Signiora Aurelia, I kiss your hands,—so 'tis well.
Enter Octavio.
Oct.
Signior Spitzaferro, I'm your humble Servant.
Spit.
Signior I am yours.
Oct.
My Friend Signior Alberto tells me, you are not a man o'your word.
Spit.
'Tis confest; but 'tis not without much regret, and—
Oct.
O Signior, no harm at all.
Spit.
I am very much troubled, and wish with all my heart,—
Oct.
No harm done.
Spit.
I should have been very glad that—
Oct.
It matters not Signior, rest contented. Signior be pleased to make choice of one of these two Swords, and take which you like best.
Spit.
One o'these Swords.
Oct.
Yes, which you please.
Spit.
To what intent?
Oct.
After your refusing to marry a Lady, to which you had given your word, I doubt not but you'l take in good part the Complement I come to make you.
Spit.
What's that?
Oct.
There's a little Billet which Signior Alberto desir'd the favour of me to deliver into your hands.
(Spit. reads)
Signior Spitzaferro, I consider that your refusal to marry my Sister, is an affront to our Family, I demand the satisfaction of a Gentleman; make choice of your Weapon, and appoint the place and time.
Your Friend and Servant, Alberto.
Spit.
Friend and Servant! What a Complement is there to such a Message?
Oct.
Other men would make a noise and a buslle, and grow enrag'd against you; but Signior Alberto is a civil person, and one that does things very obligingly, he sends courteously to you, to tell you, that if you please you two will civilly cut one anothers throats.
Spit.
A fine Complement, a very civil person indeed.
Oct.
Come Signior, chuse your Sword I pray.
Spit.
I kiss your hands Signior, I have ne're a throat to cut; What a Civility's there?
Oct.
It must be so if you please.
Spit.
Signior no matter for Complements among Friends, Servitore.
Is going off, Octavio pulls him back.
Oct.
Signior, if you please you must not depart yet; come take which you like best, I'm a little in haste, or I'd allow you more time to make your choice.
Spit.
I have nothing to say to the business.
Oct.
You are not pleas'd then to fight him.
Spit.
No, not at all.
Oct.
You don't think good to kill one another.
Spit.
Signior no.
Oct.
'Tis against your inclination?
Spit.
Signior si.
Oct.
You have made a resolution to the contrary.
Spit.
And please you.
Oct.
At least Signior Spitzaferro you'l have no reason to complain, you see I observe method, and do things in order; you go from your word, the party injur'd sends you a Challenge, I bring it, you refuse to fight, I beat you for not accepting the message, that follows of consequence, all this is in course, and I know you are too worthy a person not to approve of proceedings which are so orderly and exact.
Spit.
What a sort of man's this?
Oct.
Come Signior, chuse your weapon without more ado.
Spit.
Yet agen!
Oct.
Signior, I force no body, but you must take it; nor does Signior Alberto compel you to any thing, but you must sight him, if you please.
Spit.
I shall do neither.
Oct.
No?
Spit.
Signior, no.
Oct.
With your permission then.
Beats him.
Spit.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Oct.
Signior, I have all the reluctancy imaginable to treat you so contrary to all my inclinations; but with your good liking, if you please, I can't forbear till you do me the favour to grant what I request of you.
Spit.
I kiss your hands Signior, give me which you please.
Oct.
No Signior, which you please, So, is it not best to do things thus freely and courteously. I'm very glad to find you so inclinable, for you are a very civil person, and one for whom I have a particular respect; I was extream sorry to see you wou'd force me against my Nature. Well Signior, I'l go and acquaint Signior Alberto, that you will please to do him the obligation to meet him at six to morrow morning upon the Mole, with your Sword in your hand, like a gallant person. So Signior Spitzaferro I kiss your hands; Your most humble Servant.
Spitt. takes a Sword.
Ex.
Spitt.
Eh! What a sort of Ceremony, what kind of Complements are these? What an obliging, disobliging person was this? Euh—Malleditto.
Exit.
Enter Cynthio, Aurelia, Zerbinetta, Officers.
Aur.
Take courage, you see me in the same ill circumstances, and expos'd to the like misfortunes.
Zerb.
You know your birth, and who you are; you have Relations that will reconcile all. But I'm in a condition that that will not appease the anger of a Father, to whom Merit signifies little, and who regards nothing but Wealth.
Enter Pancrace and Scaramouch.
Panc.
O are you caught at last, are your intrigues discover'd? Will you now at last consent to quit your fine choice.
Cynt.
O Signior, I humbly beg of you, no more to think of separating me from this fair person; I'm hers by a thousand Vows, and by holy Contract she's mine.
Aur.
She's a person of such virtue and merit, that when you know her better, you'l have the greatest esteem for her imaginable.
Panc.
Esteem one that has seduced my Son from his obedience.
Enter Plautino.
Plaut.
In the hands of Justice!
Panc.
No, I have no esteem for a Vagabond, one of a Race unknown.
Plaut.
Signior Pancracio. regret not that your Son loves a person unknown, one without a portion, and whose quality you are ignorant of; the person from whom he purchas'd her declar'd, passing through a little Village not far from this City, call'd Pitrola, in a time when several Houses were on fire, they found her brought forth into the street, then but an Infant, lying in a Cradle, and left unattended, in the time of this distraction they stole her away.
Scar.
What said you?
Plaut.
They believ'd it not the Daughter of a Peasant, but a Nurse-Child, having several rich Medals about her Neck, of which they left this one as the most remarkable.
Shews a Gold Medal.
Scar.
Let me see't.
Plaut.
By publishing this Story, she may come to the knowledg of her Parents; and this may serve for a circumstance to consirm 'em she is their Daughter.
Scar.
O, fortunate discovery! happy confirmation!
Plaut.
What say you, Signior Scaramouch?
Scar.
'Tis my Daughter whom I lost in the same manner as you speak of.
Panc.
Your Daughter, Signior Scaramouch?
Scar.
Yes, I own her.
Zerb.
O happy Zerbinetta!
Scar.
No, no, your name is Olivia.
My Sister! unexpected joy.
Scar.
Signior Pancracio, you have now no longer reason to repent your Son's actions.
Plaut.
Nor you, Signior Scaramouch, have no reason to be angry with your Son, for his love to the fair Aurelia.
Scar.
My Son love one that's contracted to another.
Plaut.
Signior Spittzaferro, by the consent of parties, has quitted his pretensions, and I have acquainted Signior Ieronimo with Signior Octavio's love to his Daughter, and he now approves well of it, and resolves nothing shall be wanting in him to gain your approbation of the match.
Scar.
Signior Plautino, I am content.
Aur.
Blest agreement!
Oct.
Lucky hour!
Cynt.
Fortunate Plautino!
Zerb.
Happy conclusion!
Plaut.
This good news, I hope makes my Peace with all.
Panc.
Servitore, Signior Plautino.
Scar.
I forgive all but Harlequin; that's a Rogue shan't escape punishment.
Plaut.
I'l step into Signior Ieronimo, and tell him the good news.
Exit.
Enter Spittzaferro.
Spitt.
O! Signior, Servitore; I received your invitation, and take it for a very great favour, that you think me worthy of the honour of your Sword.
Panc.
How's this?
Spitt.
But, Signior Alberto, let me tell you, that at present I am not in a condition to fight; I will satisfy you in what-ever else shall be requisite.
Panc.
Aberto! what means he?
Spitt.
Imagin then that you see me in the Field with my Sword in my hand, sighting against you. Imagin likewise that you have laid me on the ground; publish it thro'out the City, I'l acknowledg it; for the present I do consess my self o'recome. And without any sighting at all, I ask my life of you.
Cynt.
You have it.
Spitt.
Not that I am affraid to fight, but that it will not be discretion in me at this time.
Cynt.
As you please.
Spitt.
And that wisdom tells, 'tis better to do it now, than to submit to your mercy after you have kill'd me.
bynt.
Very true.
Spitt.
Yet, upon condition that you will hereafter demand your life of me, when it shall be inconvenient for you to fight, and I shall send you the like courteous invitation.
Scarr.
What means this?
Panc.
Signior Spittzaferro, who do you talk to?
Spitt.
To Signior Alberto.
Panc.
To Cynthio.
Spitt.
Brother to Signiora Aurelia.
Panc.
My Son.
Oct.
'Tis true, Signior Spittzaferro; this Gentleman is not Signior Alberto, but Signior Cynthio; not her Brother, but my Friend, to serve me in my Amour. I was your Rival, and your true Enemy; But now you have quitted your pretensions, and matters are concluded, I'm your Friend hence-forward.
Spitt.
Then it will not concern me hereafter to require him to demand his life of me.
Oct.
You may sleep in peace.
Spitt.
Ah! Bono, Servitore.
Enter Plautino.
Plaut.
Signior Scaramouch, Signior Ieronimo is extremely rejoyc'd at the happy conclusion.
Enter an Officer bringing in Harlequin in his Magicians habit.
Offic.
Come along, come.
Panc.
Oh! is he catch'd? he shall have the Strapada.
Harl.
Signior si, I deserve it for counterfeiting a Bravo, and cheating you of 206 Pistols.
Panc.
Ah! Furbo! Villain!
Harl.
And for not being a Philosopher of your Sect, Signior; for not learning Logick, Morals, Physick and Metaphysicks, Signior si.
Scar.
He shall be sent to the Galleys for seven years.
Harl.
Signior si, for not being a Novice, and learning Patience. Temperance, Sobriety, and not going to a Wench.
Scar.
Signior Pancrace, his sentence shall be for his whole life.
Harl.
Signior si, for telling you your Son went a fishing, and for getting 500 Dollers of you against your will.
Panc.
Signior Scaramouch, he shall be hang'd out right.
Harl.
Signior si, for being a Merchant of Ligorn, and cosening Signior Pancrace and Signior Scaramouch of 800 half Ducats, and for being the Son of old Signior Trivoline.
Scar.
He shall be broken alive upon the Wheel.
Harl.
Signior si, for having the insolence to put a learned Philosopher into a Sack.
Scar.
Bestia!
Harl.
For laying him on with a great Cudgel.
Scar.
Bruto!
Harl.
And beating him till he was all o're black and blue.
Scar.
O che Diavolo! Impertinente!
Panc.
Away with him to a Magistrate, he shall have his reward for all.
Harl.
Signior Officer, I have dropt a Purse of Gold where I stand; take the light and look for't, it belongs to Signior Scaramouch, and Signior Pancrace.
Scar.
Ah! Bono.
Panc.
Look for't, Signior Scaramouch, you and I will hold him in the mean time.
The Officer holds the Torch to Harlequin's feet to look for't, he treads it out.
Scar.
Eh! Bestia!
Harl.
Excusa, Signior, 'twas by chance.
Panc.
Go, light it agen, and look for the Money; we'l hold him.
Scar.
Signior si.
Ex. Officer
Panc.
Eh.
Harlequin slips out of the Gown as they hold him by the Arms, goes behind them, and hits each two or three times o're the head,—they strike at him, and buffet one another.
Scar.
Eh.
Panc.
Bruto!
Scar.
Bestia!
Panc.
Bruto!
Scar.
Bestia.
Harl.
Ha! ha! he!
Ex.
Enter Officer with a light; looks, and sees them holding the Gown and Cap upon't, and no-body in't.
Panc.
Oh! Signior Scaramouch, here's no-body.
Scar.
No-body?
Panc.
The Villain's escap'd.
Scar.
O che Furbo.
Aur. Zerb.
Gone!
Oct. Cynt.
Hah che Cullione!
Panc.
Signior Scaramouch, rest content at present. Now let us go in, have the Musick, eat a good Supper, and make a night on't.
Scar.
Signior si, signior si.
Ex. Panc. and Scar.
Plaut.
You must all joyn to make a reconciliation for Harlequin. He must for all this come in for the leg of a good Capon.
Enter Harlequin. From listning.
Harl.
Signior si, Signior si.
Oct. Cynt.
Come, come, Harlequin's come.
Aur. Zerb.
Aye, come, poor Harlequin.
making legs to every one.
Harl.
Servitore, Signior Octavio; Signior Cynthio, Servitore; Signiora Aurelia, Servitore; Servitore Signiora, & Servitore Tutti quanti.
Exeunt.
FINIS.
