Act 4
[IV. 1]
CLEANDER, EUSTACHIO.
Cle. How is it possible that my mother has been so unaware, to leave it up to chance the fate of something that affects the honor of our house?
Eust. It is as I told you.
Cle. I am truly unlucky; I am miserable. You see, I found someone who kept me in check to the point that without my knowledge, the marriage was arranged and everything went according to the old man's desire! Oh, Fortune, you are indeed a woman, and yet you have been a friend to the young; this time you have been a friend to the old! How dare you ordain that a delicate face be marred by a foul mouth, delicate flesh be touched by trembling hands, wrinkled and odorous limbs? Because it will not be Pirro, but Nicomaco (so I believe) who will possess her. You could not have done me a greater injustice, having taken away both my beloved and my fortune in one stroke; for if this love endures, Nicomaco will leave more of his possessions to Pirro than to me. It feels like a thousand years until I see my mother, so I can lament and vent to her about this situation.
Eust. Take comfort, Cleander, for it seemed to me that she went home smiling, so I am certain that the old man does not have this ripe pear, as he thinks. But here they come, both he and Pirro, and they seem quite cheerful.
Cle. Go inside, Eustachio; I want to stay aside and listen if they discuss anything concerning me.
Eust. I will go.
[IV. 2]
NICOMACO, PIRRO, CLEANDER.
Ni. Oh, how well it went! Have you seen how melancholy the group looks, how desperate Sofronia is? All these things increase my joy, but I will be even happier when I hold Clizia in my arms, when I touch her, kiss her, and embrace her. Oh, sweet night, will I ever reach you? And this obligation I have with you, I am prepared to fulfill it twofold.
Cle. You old fool!
Pir. I believe you, but I don't think you can do anything tonight, nor do I see any opportunity.
Ni. No? Let me tell you how I have planned to handle the situation.
Pir. I'm all ears.
Cle. Listen carefully, Oleander.
Ni. I have instructed Sofronia to call Sostrata, Damone's wife, to help arrange these wedding preparations and prepare the new bride. And I will tell Damone to make sure the woman goes there. Once this is done, and after we have dined, the bride will be taken to Damone's house by this woman and placed in the same room and bed as you. And I will say that I want to stay overnight at Damone's, while Sostrata will come here with Sofronia. You, staying alone in the room, will extinguish the light and move around the room pretending to undress; in the meantime, I will quietly come into the room, undress, and enter beside Clizia. You can quietly stay on the small bed. Before dawn, I will get out of bed, pretending to go to the bathroom, get dressed again, and you will get into the bed.
Cle. Oh, you lazy old man! How happy I am to have heard about your plan! How unfortunate for you that I understand it!
Pir. It seems to me that you have devised this plan well. But you must arm yourself in such a way that you appear young, for I fear that old age will be recognized in the dark.
Cle. I understand what I need to do; I want to go and inform my mother.
Ni. I have thought of everything, and to tell you the truth, I plan to have dinner with Damone, and I have arranged a dinner to my liking. I will first take a dose of a lactifuge called satirione.
Pir. What a bizarre name that is!
Ni. The effects are even more bizarre; because it's a lactifuge that, in that regard, could rejuvenate a man of ninety years, not to mention seventy, like me. After taking this lactifuge, I will have a few substantial dishes for dinner. First, a salad of cooked onions; then a mixture of broad beans and spices.
Pir. What's the purpose of that?
Ni. What's the purpose? These onions, beans, and spices, because they are hot and windy things, would make a Genoese carrack set sail. On top of these, you need a large, half-roasted capon that's still slightly pink.
Pir. Make sure you don't upset your stomach, because you'll have to chew it or swallow it whole; I don't see so many strong teeth in your mouth.
Ni. I have no doubt about that because, although I don't have many teeth, my jaws are as strong as steel.
Pir. I think that once you leave, and I get into bed, I will be able to do without touching her, as I have a feeling I will find that poor girl shattered.
Ni. It is enough that I will have done your duty and that of a companion.
Pir. I thank God for giving me a wife made in such a way that I don't have to exert effort to impregnate her or provide for her expenses.
Ni. Go home, hasten the wedding preparations, and I will speak with Damone, who I see coming out of his house.
Pir. I will do so.
[IV. 3]
NICOMACO, DAMONE.
Ni. The time has come, Damone, for you to show me your love. You must clear the house, and neither your wife nor anyone else should remain, for I want to handle this matter as I have already told you.
Da. I am ready to do anything as long as it pleases you.
Ni. I have told my wife to call Sostrata, your wife, to come and help arrange the wedding. Make sure she goes immediately when she calls her, and let the servant go with her.
Da. Everything is arranged, call her as you wish.
Ni. I want to go to the apothecary to take care of something, and I will be back soon. Wait here for my wife to come out and call yours. Here she comes, be ready. Goodbye.
[IV. 4]
SOFRONIA, DAMONE.
Sofr. It's no wonder that my husband insisted that I call Sostrata, Damone's wife! He wanted the house to be empty so he could do as he pleased. Here comes Damone (oh, mirror of this city and pillar of his neighborhood!) arranging his house for such a dishonorable and disgraceful undertaking. But I will handle them in such a way that they will always be ashamed of themselves; and I will now start to play with this one.
Da. I wonder why Sofronia is hesitating and not coming forward to call my wife. But here she comes. God save you, Sofronia.
Sofr. And you, Damone. Where is your wife?
Da. She is at home, ready to come if you call her, because your husband asked me for that favor. Shall I go call her?
Sofr. No, no, let her be. I don't want to bother her; I will call her when the time comes.
Da. Aren't you arranging the wedding?
Sofr. Yes, we are arranging it.
Da. Don't you need someone to help you?
Sofr. There is a crowd of people for now.
Da. What should I do now? I made a huge mistake because of this crazy old man, drooling, toothless, and feeble. He made me offer my wife's help to this woman, who doesn't want it, so she'll think I'm begging for a meal, and I'll be left miserable.
Sofr. I will turn this situation against him. Look how tightly he wraps himself in his cloak! Now it's time to play a little with my old man. There he comes from the market. I swear, if he hasn't bought something to appear vigorous and fragrant.
[IV. 5]
NICOMACO, SOFRONIA.
Ni. I bought the lactifuge and a certain ointment suitable for reviving the crowd. When going to war, one goes with twice the courage. I saw my wife; alas, she must have heard me.
Sofr. Yes, I heard you, to your detriment and shame if I live until tomorrow morning.
Ni. Are things in order? Have you called your neighbor to help you?
Sofr. I called her as you instructed, but your dear friend whispered something in her ear, so she replied that she couldn't come.
Ni. I'm not surprised, because you are a little rough and don't know how to get along with people when you want something from them.
Sofr. Did you expect me to touch her under the chin? I'm not used to being affectionate with other people's husbands. Go, call her yourself since you enjoy chasing after other men's wives, and I will go inside to arrange the rest.
[IV. 6]
DAMONE, NICOMACO.
Da. I came to see if this lover has returned from the market. But here he is at the door. I was just coming to you.
Ni. And I to you, a man of little worth. What did I ask you? What did I request of you? You have served me so well!
Da. What's the matter?
Ni. You sent your wife! You emptied the house of the crowd, which was a delight! As a result, I am ruined and undone because of you.
Da. Go hang yourself, didn't you tell me that my wife would call hers?
Ni. She called her, and she didn't want to come.
Da. Instead, I offered her to come, but she didn't want to, and now you make me the fool, and then you complain about me. May the devil take you, the wedding, and everyone!
Ni. In the end, do you want her to come?
Da. Yes, damn it, and her too, and the maid, and the cat, and everyone else. Go, if you have other things to do; I will go inside, and through the garden, I will make her come right now.
Ni. Now this man is my friend; now things will go well. Alas, alas! What noise do I hear in the house?
[IV. 7]
DORIA, NICOMACO.
Do. I am dead, I am dead! Run, run! Take that knife away from her hand; run away, Sofronia.
Ni. What's the matter, Doria? What's happening?
Do. I am dead.
Ni. Why are you dead?
Do. I am dead, and you are doomed.
Ni. Tell me what you have.
Do. I can't, I am too distressed. I'm sweating, fan me with your cloak.
Ni. Oh, tell me what you have; or I'll break your head.
Do. Oh, my master, you are too cruel!
Ni. Tell me what you have and what the commotion in the house is about.
Do. Pirro gave the ring to Clizia and went to accompany the notary to the back door. You know well that Clizia, moved by some fury, took a dagger, disheveled and furious, shouting: "Where is Nicomaco? Where is Pirro? I want to kill them!" Cleandro, Sofronia, and all of us tried to restrain her but couldn't. She went into a corner of the room and keeps shouting that she wants to kill you both by any means necessary. Out of fear, some fled here and some there. Pirro fled into the kitchen and hid behind the basket of capons. I was sent here to warn you not to enter the house.
Ni. I am the most miserable of all men. Can't someone take the knife from her hand?
Do. Not yet.
Ni. Who is she threatening?
Do. You and Pirro.
Ni. Oh, what a misfortune this is! Please, my daughter, I beg you to return to the house and with kind words try to calm her down and make her put down the dagger. I promise I'll buy you a pair of slippers and a handkerchief. Please, my love, go.
Do. I will go, but don't come into the house unless I call you.
Ni. Oh, misery, oh, my unhappiness! So many things are going wrong to make this night, which I expected to be so happy, miserable! Has she put down the knife? Can I come?
Do. Not yet, don't come.
Ni. Oh God, what will happen next? Can I come?
Do. You can come, but don't enter the room where she is. Make sure she doesn't see you. Go to the kitchen with Pirro.
Ni. I will.
[IV. 8]
DORIA (alone).
In how many ways we deceive this old man! What a spectacle it is to see the troubles of this house! The old man and Pirro are afraid in the kitchen; in the dining room, there are those who are preparing dinner; and in the bedroom, there are the women, Cleandro, and the rest of the family. They have stripped our servant Siro and dressed Clizia in his clothes, and they want Siro to go to bed as Clizia's husband. And to prevent the old man and Pirro from discovering this trick, they have confined them to the kitchen under the pretext that Clizia is upset. What a good laugh! What a beautiful deception! But here comes Nicomaco and Pirro outside.
[IV. 9]
NICOMACO, DORIA, PIRRO.
Ni. What are you doing there, Doria? Is Clizia calmed down?
Do. Yes, sir, she has promised Sofronia to do as you wish. It is true that Sofronia thinks it's best for you and Pirro not to come before her, so as not to reignite her anger. After she goes to bed, if Pirro can't make her forget, it's his loss.
Ni. Sofronia gives us good advice, and we will follow it. Now go back to the house, and since everything is cooked, make sure they start dinner. Pirro and I will have dinner at Damone's house, and once they have eaten, make sure they bring her out. Hurry, Doria, for God's sake, it's already three o'clock, and it's not good to spend the whole night in these affairs.
Do. You're right; I'll go.
Ni. Pirro, you stay here; I'll go have a drink with Damone. Don't go into the house, so that Clizia doesn't get angry again. And if anything happens, come and tell me.
Pir. Go ahead, I'll do as you command. Since my master wants me to be without a wife and without dinner, I'm fine with it. I don't think as many things will happen in a year as have happened today, and I'm afraid more things will happen since I've heard certain giggles around the house that I don't like. But look, I see a torch coming out; the procession must be coming out; the bride must be coming. I want to run to the old man. Nicomaco, or Damone, come from below, from below; the bride is coming.
[IV. 10]
NICOMACO, DAMONE, SOFRONIA, SOSTRATA, SIRO dressed as a woman, crying.
Ni. Here we are. Go, Pirro, into the house, because I think it's best if she doesn't see you. You, Damone, go ahead and talk to these women. Here they all come out.
Sofr. Oh, poor girl, she's crying! Look, she doesn't even lift the handkerchief from her eyes.
Sostr. She'll laugh in the morning; that's how young girls do. Good evening to you, Nicomaco and Damone.
Da. You are welcome. Go upstairs, you women, put the girl to bed, and come back down. Meanwhile, Pirro will also be ready.
Sostr. Let's go in God's name.
[IV. 11]
NICOMACO, DAMONE.
Ni. She's very melancholy. But did you see how tall she is? She should be helped with heels.
Da. She seems taller to me too than she usually is. Oh, Nicomaco, you are fortunate indeed! Things have gone as you desired. Take care of yourself, or else you won't be able to come back.
Ni. Don't worry, I'll do my duty. After I had something to eat, I feel as strong as a sword. But here come the women returning.
[IV. 12]
NICOMACO, SOSTRATA, SOFRONIA, DAMONE.
Ni. Have you put her to bed?
Sostr. Yes, we have.
Da. Good. We'll take care of the rest. You, Sostrata, go with Sofronia to sleep, and Nicomaco will stay here with me.
Sofr. Let's go, they seem to think it's been a thousand years since we left.
Da. The same to you. Be careful not to hurt yourselves.
Sostr. You also be careful, as you have the weapons. We are unarmed.
Da. Let's go inside.
Sofr. And so will we. Go ahead, Nicomaco, you'll find a match for yourself; because your woman will be like the shrine of Santa Maria in Pruneta.
Song.
So sweet is deception
When finally desired and cherished;
It relieves others of sorrow,
And makes every bitter taste sweet.
Oh, high and rare remedy,
You show the right path to wandering souls;
You, with your great power,
In making others happy, Love enriches;
You alone conquer with your holy counsel
Stones, poisons, and enchantments.