Act 2
SCENE ONE
Bragatto and Pantalone.
BRA. Man, I wouldn't be stuck in this gig if they hadn't screwed me over tryna pay for that horse, that I can’t even use because the streets are fuckin’ canals. But damn, I'm so infatuated with that kitchen maid, it's driving me insane. I wish she'd just drop dead for all the attention she gives my boss — I wanna get some action too. She's so freakin' gorgeous, with those two mesmerizing eyes, black as night. And her mouth, oh man! Two little perky breasts like freakin' apples. She's delicate as hell, not a hint of skinniness. Screw this shit, I'm so sick of being pushed aside. [He begins to leave but sees Pantalone.] Oh, there’s the boss, damn it to hell.
PAN. Where the devil has Bragatto gone off to? He left home without waiting to see me.
BRA. I'm here, boss.
PAN. Why in hell did you leave without saying a word? Do you think that's appropriate? Couldn’t you have waited downstairs to tell me where you were going?
BRA. I went to tell ya; but I had like a major heart palpitation, with so much pain in my chest that I couldn't stand straight. Felt like a damn swarm of bees around me, and I couldn't speak out of fear.
PAN. Very well, then. What did you do with my wife?
BRA. Well, what do you expect me to have done? No kidding, I didn't get anywhere.
PAN. My dear Bragatto, why?
BRA. The fuck why? Because she's young, pretty, and lives like an old granny. She complains that you’re like sleeping next to a hibernating bear.
PAN. What does she mean by that?
BRA. What she says. She means that you never show her affection, that you sleep with your back turned to her, that you never give her a damn kiss. You can't treat women like that, man. None of them. Yo, women, man, they're nuts! They're always craving sex, and if they don't get it, they go even more batshit crazy, I swear, shit hits the fan and it's a damn mess. I'm tellin' ya, if I had a wife, she wouldn't get an hour of undisturbed sleep.
PAN. Oh, dear Bragatto! What shall I do? I'm old, I can't satisfy her continuous carnal desires. But when I was younger, I never gave her a reason to complain about me. Oh, may the bloody piss infect whoever damned me to marry her! She didn't want me, but everyone else did because of the money. Accursed miscreants! Yes, yes, they are all just after what they can get! Men should marry at twenty and women at thirty, then they’d quit complaining. Because they'll soon become worn out and then die. But now, with a daughter who's twelve, her mother says she's old. "Get married," she says. “Poor thing, don't waste any time.” Blast it to the depths of the netherworld! Tell me honestly, have you two uttered any further disparaging remarks about my person? I am well aware of her penchant for spewing every conceivable malice toward me.
BRA. Well, what do you want me to have said?
PAN. Tell the truth and don't hold back. We're all alone.
BRA. She said you're so damn old that even when you spit, it makes a scraping noise. And your heartbeat sounds like a freakin' mosquito buzzing. And you fart so damn much that it sounds like you’re playin’ bagpipes and it makes you walk to fuck like a drunk-ass penguin.
PAN. Oh, devil, devil! Look what she's come up with! If she were here, I bet she’d add “His penis is so small you can’t see it, you can’t even feel it with your hand.” She just regurgitates these malicious facts because she thinks with her stomach, like the bloody beast she is!
BRA. And more, man; but it seems like your thoughts are troubled enough.
PAN. What are you trying to hold back?
BRA. Aw, boss, you don’t want to hear it.
PAN. Tell me.
BRA. Well, boss, she says that you got some other problem goin' on down there.
PAN. Are you trying to say "in the buttocks"?
BRA. Yeah, man, some problem with the buttocks.
PAN. You mean "hemorrhoids."
BRA. Yeah, man, looks like you're puttin' on a damn puppet show when you take a shit.
PAN. Oh! The mind governs the stomach, don't you know that? You've seen me defecate before. Come on, let's go inside. I’m going to show you the truth. [Grabs Bragatto by the collar and drags him away.]
BRA. I guess we’re going.
SCENE TWO
Lavinia and Agnesina, her maid.
LAV. [Calling off stage.] Agnesina?
AGN. [Off stage.] Yes, ma’am?
LAV. [Calling off stage.] Lock the door tightly with the key. We must go and visit my sick godmother. Oh, how I hate leaving the house at this hour! But I haven’t the time to be busy — I’m too busy.
AGN. [Entering.] No need to worry, dear ma’am. It's still daytime; you needn’t fear a thing. Besides, we're not going far from home.
LAV. Did you lock the door tightly with the key?
AGN. Yes, ma’am.
LAV. And did you also lock the back door?
AGN. I locked that one too, ma’am.
LAV. You should have thrown the key in the gutter as well. Because it's such a miserable life in this world, I wouldn't want everything in the house to be stolen.
AGN. Fear not, ma’am. I tossed that key right into the gutter, and to top it off, I locked that up with the same key. So rest easy, we're in safe hands.
LAV. Let's be on our way, then.
SCENE THREE
Camillo alone.
CAM. Alas, the woeful existence of young lovers! In their tender hearts, a ceaseless storm of desolation and despair rages unyielding. No respite graces their weary souls, for they dwell in perpetual torment and anguish. Even amid mirthful gatherings or joyful spectacles, their spirits remain distant, lost in the labyrinth of thoughts, perpetually yearning for their beloved, the harbinger of happiness. Such is my lamentable state, consumed by the incessant ache for Lavinia. Every facet of my being, every breath I take, is but a fervent devotion to her. Lavinia alone possesses the power to quell this tumultuous passion and bring an end to my anguished existence. Oh, how time elongates its thread, each hour stretching into an eternity, as I remain ignorant of Giovan Farina's discourse with her. Why does he tarry so? Doubt festers within my heart, whispering tales of his laziness, conjuring images of him idling away in taverns, oblivious to the urgency of his return. Therefore, it behooves me to venture into the bustling piazza, in pursuit of solace, seeking the presence of my beloved, Lavinia, whose enchanting aura may offer respite from this melancholic labyrinth that engulfs me.
SCENE FOUR
Pantalone and Bragatto.
PAN. What do you say now, dear Bragatto? Did I not adequately demonstrate that I haven’t any maladies or other malformations?
BRA. Yeah, boss, you showed me. And honestly, the lady got it wrong 'bout all your damn ailments. She did say somethin' else, but I ain't sure if I should believe her.
PAN. What did she say, dear Bragatto, my eternal servant? You needn’t fear causing me any offense, because now I want to clarify everything for you.
BRA. Well, she said that when you're all wet, you look like a freakin' scarecrow. And she said you're hunchbacked. Couldn't have found a better description, man.
PAN. But didn't you tell her that it wasn't true?
BRA. I told her I ain't never seen you all wet like that, and maybe the hunchback part is true, but I still don't believe it.
PAN. Well, I want you to see for yourself. Grab this sleeve, pull it. [Bragatto pulls and Pantalone straightens in a contorted agony.] Do I look so disfigured now?
BRA. Holy shit, she got it wrong, man. You as straight as a damn spindle. Turn around, let me check the other side. Yeah, man, you could outrun me if you wanted!
Here, Pantalone falls to the ground.
PAN. Oh no, oh no, does anything look broken? Is it bad?
BRA. Nah, man, you ain't hurt at all. You just tripped, that's all.
PAN. It was those accursed shoes, they jinxed me.
BRA. Holy shit, lady wasted her time to curse you. Trippin' happens to everyone.
PAN. I have curses enough already.
BRA. [Helps him up.] Let's go, man. I'm so damn hungry, I can't take it. And if I feel better after eatin', I'll go talk to the lady and let her know you're fine.
SCENE FIVE
Lavinia and Agnesina.
LAV. Thank goodness, Agnesina, that my godmother is feeling better! I swear to God, I care for her as much as one can imagine, for I have the utmost affection for her.
AGN. I swear, ma’am, I also care for her because she seems like a good person to me.
LAV. Don't talk about goodness, she is truly too good. But tell me, did our hens lay any eggs? I would like to send her at least two fresh ones.
AGN. They did lay eggs, ma’am.
LAV. Let's go inside then. I want you to bring some.
AGN. Whenever you like.